10th August 2015

Love: That's it. I've given it one last shot and put my cards on the table. I now leave it in the universe's capable hands. If this fails, I truly have to move on.
Life: This afternoon I went for a drive. I went nowhere in particular and no more than 20 miles away from Liverpool but I was still out for almost 5 hours! Largely because it took almost 2 hours to get from the edge of Liverpool back home! I hope the traffic is considerably better than that the next two days I'm in Knowsley! When I got in, I made a quick chicken domburi and have used the leftover rice to make some veg sushi for tomorrow's tea. :)
Career: as I'm Circle training the next two days, today was my only day at work. It was a pleasure as always - I do work with a fabulous bunch of people! :) And I have scheduled the rest of the week's updates to post in my absence.

9th August 2015

Love: today I had to tell an old friend of John's that John had died. I guess this is something I will have to get used to - telling people who pop out from the woodwork news they should've learned 2 years ago! :(
Life: Today has been a very lazy day! I didn't even get out of bed until 9:30am! And I did my best to feel guilty about it, having my mum's voice in my head (why is it always my mum's voice that tells me off!) calling me a "lazy bones" and that I was "wasting the day away"! It's damn odd, telling myself off for resting! Is having a rest really wasting my time?!! Surely one needs to rest once in a while or you'll simply burn out! Anyway, once I had my shower, I had two breakfasts and watched some 'telly'. Then I did some art journaling and watched some more 'telly' before having tea. Then I watched even more 'telly' before heading to bed less than 12 hours after I'd got up!
Career: Today was another day I didn't write my autobiography. It's not going to write itself but, at the moment, I have 'blank page syndrome'. That'll have to change sooner or later - preferably before I die or get Alzheimer's!

8th August 2015

Love: The weather doesn't half make a difference to one's mood! Today has been gloriously sunny! Such a contrast to last weekend! It was a pleasure to get the shades out for a change! I absolutely loved it! :)
Life: Today Big Love Sista were at the Pier Head, Liverpool for the Liverpool Loves festival! We held a circle this morning, promoting what we do and then, this afternoon, we held a choir workshop and absolutely packed out the huge tent we were in! It was awesome to see so many people there! :) In between times, Julie and I did the Transgender Family Support Group. I really enjoyed Julie's company today (not only cos she lent me the money for a pot of carrot chutney from a food stall at the festival!). We were both in really good spirits! It was fabulous! :) It was also fab to meet up with other members of BLS: Clare, Patricia, Helen and Michelle (who I hadn't seen for ages!) and, of course, our choir mistress, Hayli. Such a great day! :)

7th August 2015

Love: This morning I had a revelation: If you'd asked me in the past what my one wish was, I would've responded "to have John back, alive and well". That is no longer the case. I think it is safe to say I have 'moved on'. My one wish now would be the somewhat less original (and less selfish), "to eradicate poverty".
Life: today has been a day of going out as soon as I've got in! I started off with a short bicycle ride which encapsulated a trip to the bicycle shop for my free service (which it didn't really need but, hey, it was free!), a trip to the library to return my books and a trip to the pharmacy to pick up my drugs... except they didn't have them because the repeat prescription had been rejected because they were waiting for my blood test results... my blood test is on Thursday! And it wouldn't be much point fucking doing it if I wasn't on my fucking hormones! So I returned home, got in the car and drove to the surgery to have it out with them! They said the on duty doctor wasn't available and to phone at 4pm. So I came home again before going out again to Birkenhead to have a late lunch and pick up some paint and a large canvas for heArt School later in the month... except the only canvas I could find the right size was reduced because it'd all got damaged! So I came home again and did some weeding... before going out again to have it out with them again at the surgery for 4pm. When I got there they said it had all been processed and the prescription sent to the pharmacy. So I phoned the pharmacy there and then to be sure and, yep, they'd received the prescription. But I have to allow three days for it to be done so I shan't get it until next week now! So I came home... before going out again, once the rush hour traffic had died down, to HobbyCraft at Aintree to get a big canvas. It says something that I'd rather drive all the way out to Aintree rather than pay the car parking prices in Liverpool city centre! Anyway, I got my canvas. So then I came home again, had tea and watched World's End (the Simon Pegg film) on Netflix.
Career: what career?

6th August 2015

Love: after not writing anything for ages, this morning I managed to write perhaps one of the best pieces I have ever written. It is always troubling when your muse takes a vacation as you don't know when or even if it will come back! The piece I wrote is called My Vagina Monologue and it was inspired by watching The Vagina Monologues yesterday.
Life: After a year of it sitting in the shed, I finally got my awning attached to my house today! It looks fab and has cleared some space in my shed for my bike. Now all I have to do is take advantage of it! This afternoon I also watched a film by Cirque du Soleil. People have raved about them for years but I'd never seen them. What they do is quite spectacular and very skilful! Having nothing for breakfast in the morning, I did the weekly shop this evening. I know! On a Thursday! How will the world cope?!!
STOP PRESS: I just checked my email and my MP is gonna chase CX GIC up about my cancelled appointment! Yay!! :)

5th August 2015

Love: I love being part of a 'tribe', as Clare calls it, like Big Love Sista. I love the fact that we come together for each other. I love the fact I'm treated no different to anyone else. I will forever be grateful to Jayne for being there for me in those harsh months of 2013 but being part of a tribe gives me hope that, should I ever be down on my luck again, things will be different and I won't feel so lonely and unloved (if you're offended by this, then please bear in mind that you're not me and so don't have my perspective).
Life: Today I've had a fairly easy going afternoon. I finished my book and can't wait to start the next one (If The Buddha Dated), joined Elloa Atkinson's Fearless Challenge group, had my tea and then went to the cinema to watch Ted 2 which has had some pretty dire reviews but I went because I'm a fan of the first Ted movie and the trailer looked pretty decent. I was warned to watch out for "the joke", which I'm presuming was the transphobic joke that made me roll my eyes rather than the barrage of sexist, homophobic and racist jokes throughout the movie. Am I a bad person because racist, homophobic and sexist jokes make me laugh? Or a bad person because, out of all the bad taste humour in it, its the one that hit closest to home that I minded? Maybe I'm just a bad person with a bad sense of humour? Whatever, I found the movie hilarious. And, whilst I'm at it, I may as well confess I've warmed considerably to Frankie Boyle in the past 12 months. I won't defend these things. They're just facts. As is the fact that prejudice is not OK.
Career: A quick and easy morning volunteering today. I'm now off to Monday. I must say I'm liking this new easy going approach to work. It hardly feels like I'm working at all! :)

4th August 2015

Love: I was shocked to discover today that Miss Piggy and Kermit have announced they have split. It seems Kermit has done the dirty and dumped her for someone called Janice. Well, I say Miss Piggy is better off without that selfish frog and have thrown my hat into the ring and suggested Miss Piggy may like to have a relationship with me instead. So far she has yet to respond but I live in hope. I also reflected today on the changes in me since John's death. I don't want this to be taken the wrong way because I still love and miss him but I believe, sexuality aside, I have changed so fundamentally since John died that I don't think a relationship between the two of us would work now. I find myself torn and conflicted by this revelation. I think I am perhaps better just acknowledging it rather than exploring further right now.
Life: This afternoon a man from British Gas came to fix my boiler which had stopped providing central heating for me. He discovered that the company who installed it had wired the thermostat wrong and fixed it for me. So I now have the luxury of heat in my home again. By coincidence, I also was prompted by NPower to provide them with the latest meter readings. In doing so, I looked back at my usage these last few months and it looks like I may well have been doing without heating since June! On the upside, it'll have saved me some money!
Career: Another day volunteering but I had to curtail it to be home for 12pm to await the British Gas man.

3rd August 2015

Love: Mia seems a bit forlorn at the minute. I'm paying her attention, playing with her and being affectionate but she seems more content to sit in her 'cot' (a radiator seat I have placed on the floor) rather than be with me. I hope she's OK.
Life: I can't much recall what I have done today. I know I had a long list of things on my phone to do and it is now clear as I deleted each one as I did them but what was originally on that list I don't much remember... other than I had someone come over to give me a quote for putting my awning up and I did my finances but other than that... ???
Career: back to work today. I enjoy the camaraderie and I still can't quite believe I get to surf Facebook as a job (albeit voluntary). :)

2nd August 2015

Love: The grief hit me again today. I'd just finished helping facilitate the LGBTQI Circle and it just came at me. So I excused myself for a few minutes and went and sat and let it do its thing. I can speculate why it came at just that moment but I'd rather reflect that I handled it very well. I'm learning to surrender and swim with the tide these days. It seems to work better for me.
Life: Today Big Love Sista hosted an afternoon at The Bluecoat for Pride. We had an exhibition of the goddess paintings, held a choir workshop and then finished with the LGBTQI Circle. It was a lot of work but well worth it. Then ten of us went and had a meal together at Kasbah. It was just the perfect way to de-stress after quite a hectic weekend. Also, today was another day I reflected on all that Clare Campbell does for us. It's wonderful to be friends with someone who just seems to have magic pouring out of her! However, as like Tony Griffin, I wonder what will happen when these people have gone? Who will step into their shoes? Because I look around me and I see no contenders, which is highly worrying!
Career: I was told tomorrow was a bank holiday. It's not. So back to work I go.
Judgement: This morning I reflected on judgement. It happened because a friend announced that they were in a polyamorous relationship. This was not news to me, they'd told me before. But I admired their courage in going public with the news. Because to go public with news out of the ordinary like that is to open yourself to judgement. However, that's what pride is - it's opening yourself up to public judgement. It's saying 'this is who I am. Deal with it'. That's also what LGBTQI Pride is - it's saying loud and clear who we are and being defiant to those who would have us live in the closet or worse. However, I'm also a firm believer in questioning the judgement that arises within us. For instance, when my friend came out as polyamorous, it was so tempting to try and ascertain why they would be so. But the far more important question I asked myself was 'why am I not polyamorous? Why would that not work for me?' and through that I recognised my insecurities in being in a relationship with someone I love. I think the right way to live life is to literally keep our judgements to ourselves.
Train: The final thing I want to talk about today is the fact I had to talk myself out of walking in front of the train on the way home. I don't know why it happened, I just had a moment when it seemed the perfectly natural thing to do would be to walk in front of the train. I'm not suicidal and I wasn't even depressed at that moment so I really don't know what was going on in my head. But, obviously, it has shocked me that it could seem perfectly sane to do that and that's what I want to put on record.

1st August 2015

Love: Warning: TMI! I love how my breasts are growing. They're really beginning to look quite full now and might even make an A cup. The growth is so slow and minimal that it hardly looks like they're growing at all but every now and then I'll catch myself in the mirror and be surprised how they're developing. It's really quite thrilling! :)

Life: Today was Liverpool Pride. This year funding was cut and, in the end, I don't think they got any funding at all! (But don't quote me on that!) So it ended up being all re-arranged at the last minute but the upshot was, instead of putting on a load of crap music stars and charging for the privilege of it, they've put on a free weekend of community events in the community! Which imho is infinitely preferable! Last year was a travesty imho and left me seriously deflated! But this year was fantastic - despite the heavy rain showers! I thoroughly enjoyed myself helping promote Big Love Sista! Aside from the funding and weather issues, I hope this year will set a blueprint that they follow every year and we don't go back to the soulless Pride we had last year! 

Anniversary: Today was also the 14th anniversary of John and I becoming a couple. I haven't really thought about it all day and I'm not sure I feel much about it - neither sad or happy - but I am sure I've done the right thing in not trying to celebrate/commemorate it on my own. John is my past and I'm sure he'd want it that way and be thrilled that I'm enjoying the present and looking to the future. Miss him though. :(