When I look at the actions of some Christians I often wonder what their God would make of them. Not that I believe God - as popularly defined - exists but, if He did, I imagine He'd have something like this to say...
This is God speaking. Yup, I'm back! And, boy, was Peter right or what! He said I shouldn't go on holiday and, boy, was he right!
But, after several millennia on the job, I really needed the break! I mean, you guys let people retire after 65 years and, yet, you wanted me to work indefinitely! I couldn't even take a toilet break without one of you bleating at me, "God, if I promise to be nice, will you save my granny from Cancer?". Me, the God who made you, reduced to the ranks of a performing monkey! Talk about ingratitude!
Yeah, so anyway, I'm back! And what do I find? A load of douche bags claiming to speak on my behalf! I'm sorry, but just when did you form the impression I was mute and needed someone to speak for me?!!
I'm the God that made Noah build an arc and killed your enemy's first born for Pete's sake! I'm the one who set fire to a bush and begat a son with a virgin just so you could hear my voice! And what? You think I'd use some old git in a funny hat to speak for me? I might just as well've used Zippo's Circus!
And, speaking of The Pope, he has a nerve! I know he rang my phone number, so he must've heard the answer message telling him I'd get back to him. And, OK, maybe I lost track of the time and a fortnight's holiday turned into a couple of thousand years but, trust me, a couple thousand years is a mere blink of the eye when you've been around as long as I have! But that gives him no right to take matters into his own hands! He's meant to be my representative not my replacement!!
And that doesn't give the rest of you an excuse either! For Pete's sake, I left you an operation manual to refer to whilst I was away! Surely you could've compared that against what The Pope and the Archbishops and all the rest of them were saying and worked out two and two were making five!
So, yeah, OK, maybe some of The Bible's not as good as it could've been but it was done in a hurry and I know I shouldn't have let the YTS apprentice do a bit either but I was in a generous mood. How was I supposed to know that'd be the bit you'd concentrate most on! I thought you'd concentrate on all the good bits! You know, "Love thy neighbour", and all that! Not "Lie ye not with another man as with a woman" and all the rest of that mumbo jumbo! Most of it doesn't even make sense!
And, whilst I'm at it, I am thoroughly pissed off with you all ruining all my hard work! You seem to have forgotten that I am your creator!
Every single thing you see before you is mine! So how dare you destroy it! I made you the custodians of Earth for a reason! But you, you're like a zoo keeper who not only kills all his animals but all his work mates too!
And why? Cos you think you're special! Do you know what special means? It means "valuable"! And just how "valuable" do you think someone who's intent on destroying everything I worked so hard to create is to me! You're not "valuable"! You're scum! You're not even fit to wipe the arse of Satan!
So, right now, I see a great big mess to sort out! A great big mess that YOU created! And I'm wondering whether it wouldn't just be a good idea to get rid of the cause of that mess!
So trust me, humans, your cards are well and truly marked! So you'd better play ball or you'll be getting more than your P45 in the post!