3rd April 2016

Mia: Mia ate her breakfast today, so she got tea. She also got cuddles and playtime. I spoil that pussycat! :D
Life: it didn't take long this morning to get the blues again. Really, I have nothing to be depressed about - I have a home, food, luxuries and I'm in reasonable health. Sadly, though, it doesn't work like that. Anyway, I did some painting and playing with Mia cheered me up a bit. Then I went to 'Mad Pride' which turned out to be shit! Not that they promised anything they didn't deliver - just that it was in such a tiny venue they might as well have not bothered! There was not more than 100 people in there but you couldn't move! After I left, I saw some of the photos they posted on Facebook. All I'll say about that is that it was very creative photography! This evening I watched Amazon Prime whilst doing some colouring-in.
One Thing: I'm choosing my current painting today. I got quite a bit done on it today and I'm proud of what I've done. It makes me smile. :)

2nd April 2016

Ever since I was young, I've been terrified of confrontations and have thus tended to not voice my opinions if I can possibly help it. Instead, if I do express them, I do it in writing - as I'm doing now. But there are still times when I'm not as honest as id like to be - and the end result is I hate myself for my cowardice.
Today has been a good example of that: I was at a Trans support group meeting, when a certain someone who I've not liked for many a year, started a conversation which basically boiled down to 'the right way to be Trans' which I hate with a passion! Even my good friends felt obliged to justify why they think the way they do - and I hate that as well!
Is it not enough for us to just exist?!! Why can we not just get on with our lives without feeling the need to justify ourselves and criticise others?!! (This applies to humanity as a whole - not just Trans people, of course)
So I was boiling up inside and wanting to scream but, as mentioned, I don't like confrontations so didn't want to cause a scene. So that triggered my fight or flight response and I got up and left (so much for not causing a scene!). I intended to just stand outside and calm down but my friend followed me, asking what was wrong which just made things worse and so I got in my car and drove away!
When I got home, I was sufficiently calm to feel bad about what I'd done. So I texted my friend to apologise and explain and then I arranged to come back and meet for tea. So that's what I did.
However, as we dined, I felt myself getting tired and emotional and was glad to get home.
April is not a good month for me: On the 5th it'll be 3 years since John died and the 7th would've been his 68th birthday.
The last 2 years I have taken myself away on holiday but this year, because of college, I haven't. I did look last week at disappearing this week to Glasgow - my favourite city in the UK - but baulked at the prices. I'm now thinking this was a mistake.
Yes, it is expensive - as much as my monthly income - but this last week or so I've been feeling highly sensitive around people. More so than in previous years, to be honest. Usually my worst months are Feb (when John was first taken into hospice) and August (our anniversary) but this year I breezed through February - and I've yet to get to August, of course.
Maybe, since I dont want to spend all that money going away, I should just stay indoors or something next week!
Anyway...
Mia: Mia has refused to eat her breakfast today but has still pestered me for food all day long! Contrary madam! But I did enjoy playing with her whilst I was painting - painting with one hand, playing with Mia with the other! :)
Life: other than the above, I finished off one painting and started on another today.
One Thing: I'm gonna choose playing with Mia. She's the best thing in my life - no contest! I'd be lost without her!

1st April 2016

Mia: more fun and cuddles with Mia - when she's not sulking I've not fed her that half hour!
Life: this morning I went to Morrisons to do the weekly shop. Except, when I got there, I realised I'd forgot the shopping list! So I returned home and then caught the bus to Birkenhead, had a wander over to the central library, didn't find what I wanted, caught bus to Liverpool, bought birthday presents, and caught the bus to Morrisons. Except I went to the Floral to buy theatre tickets, had tunch at the Seahorse and then did the shopping at Morrisons! Except I was a little tipsy on one pint of cider - I'm such a lightweight! - which meant a few items went in that weren't supposed to but at least I was too pissed to care! This evening I have listened to music whilst colouring-in and playing Angry Birds - who played an April Fool on me the rotten b...irds!
One Thing: having unlimited travel on my student bus pass certainly made for an interesting day! :)

31st March 2016

Mia: Mia has made me laugh today. First there was the "how dare you eat and not give me any food!" look (there was food in her bowl and milk in her dish) and then there was the absolute look of disgust when I shifted her out of my seat on the sofa!
Life: today I have mostly been painting. I finished off one canvas, almost finished another and have started yet another! I also went for a walk for an hour in the sunshine to try and get fit for Berlin in May. Plus watched BBC iPlayer and Netflix. Dunno if I can live this kinda life for the next 40 years but I think I could possibly do it for a while - until the next thing came along.
One Thing: the walk in the sunshine did me good. :)

30th March 2016

Mia: more fun and cuddles with Mia today. Bless her! :)
College: I got to college at 8:30 this morning - half an hour later than normal! And I don't even have to start until 9am! I've done research practically all day - even the one scheduled lesson I had today I ended up doing research! The result is I now have 30+ pages of research for my FMP to cut and stick in my sketchbook over the Easter break - which starts tomorrow.
Life: this evening I have mostly watched BBC iPlayer but anxiety got to me this evening. Whilst depression softens me up by making me all sad, it's anxiety that really moves in for the kill! It's anxiety that tells me the world's about to come to crushing end so I may as well kill myself now! It's anxiety that makes me want to run away and never come back! And it's anxiety that is making me go to bed early tonight so I can go to sleep and stop my anxiety hurting me!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today, for the umpteenth day in a row, is fun and cuddles with Mia. It's been my one true joy today!

29th March 2016

Mia: more playing and cuddles with Mia today. Couldn't be happier! :)
College: I got to college early to print off my research for my FMP - except that it took longer than I expected and then I ran out of print credits so had to buy some more which was a rigmarole in itself! Anyway, I had them in time for my graphics lesson so was able to show my tutor. I was the only one in graphics today so had a one-to-one and had a good conversation about what I wanted to do - and what I could do. There was no drawing lesson today though so that left me at a spare end. After college, I went into Liverpool to get a sketchbook for my FMP and concluded that I wanted to do a designer toy and something about grief. So the next step is to see how I can marry those two up somehow.
Life: I arrived home to find a copy of Asylum magazine on my (non-existent) doormat. It contained cartoons I'd done for it. I had prime position too - inside front cover - and it was in colour! - so the first thing you see when you open the magazine are my cartoons! :) This evening I watched iPlayer whilst playing with Mia. :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is playing with Mia. She brings such joy into my life! :)

28th March 2016

Mia: I have had a ball with Mia today! We played for a good half hour this morning and this evening it was like she couldnt get enough of me! All the love and cuddles she wanted! :)
Life: this morning I did the weekly food shop but forgot my shopping list! :( This afternoon I set-up my easel at long last (I got it at Christmas!) in the spare bedroom, moved all my canvases, paints and brushes in there and did a bit more work on one of my canvases for my promised exhibition. I'm pleased with what I've done on it so far. :) This evening I watched Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes and Hope Floats whilst doing a page in my colouring book. I liked the music in Hope Floats quite a bit! I will have to look for the soundtrack on Spotify. :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is time spent with Mia. She is such a joy to be with! :)

26th March 2016

Mia: Mia has been an absolute sweetie this evening! :) She came up and gave me several cuddles between sleeps. I love her to death! :)
Life: this morning I discovered a whole load of levels of Angry Birds I'd not played before. So breakfast was somewhat delayed as I didn't even get out of bed until 10am! Once I had got out of bed and sorted myself out, I headed into Liverpool for an 'open studio' at Big Love Sista. I started off doing a bit of Art Journaling and showed Hilary how to do it too and then I did a mixed-media canvas. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with the canvas so just experimented and I think most of it ended up on the newspaper protecting the table but I was really happy with what I ended up with. What was interesting though was I was doing a figure - some said it was my aura - but then Sandra spotted that, upside down, it looked like a wolf and I liked that idea much more so that's what I did! However, as I sprayed it with so much water, it didn't dry in time for me to finish it so I took it home and finished it here whilst 'watching' The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood on Amazon. Anyway, backing up a bit, after the session at the studio, I caught the bus home - except it came on to rain so hard I had to take shelter in a doorway. I'd not seen it rain that hard since I was in Montreal in 1997! As Terry Pratchett wrote in one of his books, it was like a sea with holes in!
One Thing: you'll have to forgive me being vague on this one because I don't want to open a can of worms but on my way to the studio I made someone very happy and the look of delight on their face was a joy to behold! And all for 29p! :)

25th March 2016

Mia: Mia was enjoying the sunshine today so I didn't see much of her until I got home this evening; when we had a lovely long cuddle. :)
College: this morning I sorted out my graphics book for current project. So I can put that behind me now and move onto my FMP (final major project).
Life: this afternoon I created another clay sculpture before heading into Liverpool to look at Clare's Indian goodies at the Big Love Sista studio. I found a lovely silk scarf I fell in love with so I just had to purchase it! I think it'll really set off some of my posher outfits! :) I then went and had shrimp pad Thai at a nearby takeaway before returning to the studio for an 'Indian Evening' where Clare and Sandra told us about their adventures in India last Christmas and read us some of their poetry, before hosting an open mike evening where I got up and read some of my poetry and others entertained as well. However, as the other's stuff was so lovely, I began to fret I'd got the tone wrong for one of my poems which is very sweary. I needn't have worried though because so many people came up to me afterwards to say they loved my poem! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing tonight is performing at the open mike. I do love performing - more often than not - and it's a lovely thing to do - when I'm feeling confident - considering how retreated into my shell I was when I first got involved with Big Love Sista. :)

24th March 2016

Life: they say don't meet your idols. Well, I'm totally glad I met one of mine today! :) For some time now I've followed a web comic called Assigned Male, which is created by Sophie Labelle. Well, she is touring Europe 'meeting her audience' and today she was in Manchester. So considering she'd travelled all the way from Quebec (via Europe), I thought it was the least I could do to travel from Merseyside to meet her! :) She was a total delight - very personable with a wicked sense of humour and I found we agreed almost totally on our politics - in short, she is the sort of person I would love to spend time with socialising and getting to know her better. :) Out of the many memorable quotes she came out with, the one that has really struck a chord with me is that, when asked about Trans politics, she said she'd "love to see Trans people holding the microphone more" - meaning she'd love to see Trans people leading the debate rather than just being pawns of people with their own agenda. :) I agree - if this is truly our 'watershed moment' then we need to be the ones dictating the terms of it... Power to the Trans people! :) Afterwards, she was even gracious enough to have a selfie taken with me, sign my comic and give me some free stickers. As I say, she is a total star and so inspirational! :) After the workshop, I met Sonia for tea - which we did in two parts. First, we had bubble tea - mine was lychee with mango bubbles - and then we went to a Vietnamese restaurant where we had some rice pancakes and then a fried tofu baguette. It was all totally delicious! :) talking about being embarrassed though - the Vietnamese restaurant didn't have any change for my £20, so I had to give them Sonia's tenner instead! She's an impoverished student, so it really wasn't fair at all! :( After that, we went our separate ways and I caught the train back to Liverpool and then the bus home. Even though our public transport system isn't perfect, I am a total convert! It is a total pleasure to be taken places and (usually) arrive relaxed, rather than the hassle of driving and minding the other idiots on the road! It makes me more determined to be rid of my car! I just wish I could be 100% certain I don't need it anymore! It's a big commitment to sell it... and I don't like commitments that large! :(
One Thing: it shall probably come as no surprise that I'm choosing meeting Sophie Labelle today. She was everything I hoped for and more! So glad I met her! :)