Life: this morning I took myself into Liverpool for a Woman Who Runs With The Wolves workhop (google it if you don't know what it is). Amongst the first things we discussed was the need to be honest and the fear of being honest. Then we delved into the story of Bluebeard which we worked on all day - by far the longest Circle I've ever done! A number of things came up for me but, on returning home, I began to doubt my findings as there appears to be a conflict at the heart of the story. So I really don't know. However... what really was ringing alarm bells for me was, if I was brave enough and honest enough (which I guess I am doing right now as I type), I would quit my design course. I think I've had enough warning signs that it's not meant to be and that its damaging rather than helping me but I keep ignoring all that because "if I just..." and I'm scared of the void I will enter if I do. When I make a change in my life, I usually have a plan of what the next step is. If I quit my design course, I have no such plan. All I know is that I want to be creating but I know if I'm left to my own devices I won't - I need someone to push me | The affirmation I took away at the end of the day was "don't look for approval" because I recognised in myself the need to be lauded but that need is masking the fact I don't appreciate myself. That need keeps leading me down paths that I think will lead me to be being recognised as a success - doing the degree is one such path. What I recognise in my heart is the need to create because I tend to love what I create and I usually love the creation process. Being creative is doing something for myself that I also share with others to fulfill the need to be lauded. So looking at it - as I have this last week, if truth be told - I have loved this month away from college because I've been able to find the balance between the peace I need, the need to be creative, and the spur to be creative (as we were set research to do). So I've been thinking that what I need is to go freelance and forget the degree. However, this scares me because it's a big leap into the dark and the work may just not be there. It would be far safer to get the degree, get the education, develop some kind of recognition of my talents and find work with all those strings to my bow rather than 'going into battle' without them. But I also fear the amount of damage the degree will do to my spirit if I go what I perceive to be the safer way... So I come back to the affirmation "don't look for approval". When I look at the decisions I have made that have made me most proud, they are the ones I made to my heart's desire (and fuck the nay sayers!). And when I look at the mistakes I have made that have brought me low, I can't think of a single one that was not when I was trying to please or impress someone (even if that someone was me) rather than listen to what my heart was crying out for. But often I had to be brought low before I did what my heart desired (after I'd tried everything else!). The sensible thing then would appear to be to do what my heart desires first! But make no mistake, doing a degree was what my heart desired at that time... but, in all honesty, it isn't now. What I want is to develop my talents and find it within myself to push myself to doing that and being creative. Which brings me to another realisation today - which brings me to another reason why I didn't want to work freelance - I don't want the responsibility of looking after myself. I would far rather someone else do that (in work and life!). I'm scared of fucking up! But, as in love, if I don't take care of myself it's unreasonable to expect anyone else to and it will be for nought anyway really because I need to find my independence and learn to look after myself. Again, I know in my heart I don't want to work for someone else and follow their rules. I want to be my own person and follow my own rules. So I guess this is about me growing up - learning how to 'adult' - as well. It's all very scary but, if I truly listen to my heart, I know I won't be satisfied with anything else. So I guess I have to take that leap into the void. And, now that I've got all that out my system, let me also say that I know I will be at college on Tuesday morning hoping I've got it wrong and I really can take the safe option "if I just...".
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is doing this blog. I needed to process my thoughts and now I've done that. I'm a wiser person even though I'm not going to take the solution I know I should. I guess that is self-destructive and that is another aspect of my personality I'm recognising more these days. Self-awareness can only achieve so much. :(
