Sunday, 28 October 2012

An Honest Ramble

This week I had the privilege of being able to see a speech by Lana Wachowski in which she talks about the reasons why she's come out as trans and her battle to reach that decision.
If you don't know who Lana Wachowski is, she is one of the directors of The Matrix trilogy and also V For Vendetta (two films that I never really 'got' btw). However, whatever her failings are as a director she more than makes up for them in this video of her acceptance of The Human Rights Campaign's Visibility Award.
It is a very moving speech with which I identified on a number of points - the sense of not belonging, the feeling of being a "freak" and others.
Like Lana, I also have stood in front of people and talked about these feelings. I wasn't accepting an award but, like Lana, I felt being silent about it was wrong.
I also, like Lana I think, believe if you feel something to be wrong you should try to do something to put it right. That is one of the reasons why I'm now learning how to be an Equality & Diversity Trainer.
I could've chosen to teach many things - I have a HND in Graphic Design for a start - but felt that, if I'm to make an impact in this world, I'd far rather try to improve something I feel strongly about than something I just happen to be good at.
I'm not either a natural teacher (I'm inclined to be introverted, for example, which is not a helpful quality for a teacher!) nor a natural educator in Equality & Diversity (I have far too many prejudices!) but that is part of the attraction for me - it's challenging and that challenge motivates me.
A recent attempt at Equality & Diversity training was just yesterday when I tried to educate people that they should "be true to yourselves" (which I think Lana covers quite well in her speech also).
Being true to yourself is something I've struggled with all my life and I still don't quite achieve it. I still have a tendancy to "act straight" if I feel being my true self will land me in trouble.
I know it's wrong... I know it causes pain and grief to myself... but I still do it. It's a survival technique I've learned and I can't quite seem to break the habit of a lifetime.
So one thing I hope I'm learning is to have compassion to my failings and also to have compassion to others who don't quite live up to my expectations as well (which in itself is wrong - who am I too judge?? - and, yet, another habit I don't seem to be able to break).
So, anyway, back to yesterday - I flopped. Or did I? Certain people say they enjoyed it and thought it was successful but I, with all my newly acquired learning about teaching, feel I should've done so much better than I did.
But am I being too harsh on myself? It was, after all, the first time I'd done that presentation and nothing ever works out the way you expected or wanted at the first attempt! That is what I'm learning as a student teacher - that teaching is as much a learning process as being a student is.
So, anyway, enough of my ramblings for now. I don't know if there's any point/message to this?? But thanks for reading through to the end anyway.