Sunday, 31 May 2015

31st May 2015

Love: if this stupid blog/phone worked properly, you'd be seeing a photo of Mia asleep here. It doesn't, so you can't! But she is absolutely adorable and looks so cute when she's curled up asleep! Unfortunately, she seems to be sulking with me again. :(
Life: today I have been up for 12 hours and have decided that's enough for one day. I went to a LGBT writing group earlier that's just being set up. The meeting was really positive so I'm quite hopeful for it. :)
Career: "I surrender"
Cards On The Table: I'm scared. I've quit looking for a job because I haven't the emotional and mental strength to put together an application nor face an interview. So, in accepting that truth, I've decided to not look for a job. As stated, I asked for my purpose on Friday evening. The answer was "you have a spare room and there are people stuck in care/homeless - especially the LGBT - so why not offer your room out/foster?". So that is what I'm currently investigating. The intrinsic problems of this scare me. So I've tried to talk myself out of it but I know what my purpose is and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to realise my purpose. On Friday I also decided to let what will be be at CX GIC (ie not pursue things and let them forget me, if that is what is on the cards). I feel in my heart that surgery will never be right nor wrong for me; that I cannot make a right or a wrong decision about this. So it seems pointless to invest energy/emotion that I don't have in this. So that is what I mean by "I surrender" - I don't just mean it for my career. It seems I have reached a point in my life where I have neither the mental or emotional strength to invest in my life anymore. So the message/choice that seems abundantly clear to me is that I must surrender myself to whatever is going to happen. And that scares me. So I've asked for counselling. But, right now, I need someone to tell me I've not lost my mind; that what I'm doing is sensible. I know no one can predict the future but I sure would like some comfort/love right now too.

Saturday, 30 May 2015

30th May 2015

Love: today I have bought more plants for my garden and planted them in my back yard. I love the fact that I have a whole section I can look at, no matter what happens, and say "I did that". :)
Life: Today I found the courage to tell people that I will not be seeking paid employment if, as is likely, my contract is not renewed in July. This, along with my blog post yesterday, seems to have concerned people. Just to clarify, for a brief time yesterday, I felt that there was nothing more that I WANTED to give to the world and nothing more that I WANTED from the world. I felt that I had enough - much as a monk may feel that they have enough. Then I asked for and was given my purpose. My purpose does not involve paid employment. I already have an income. I do not need to disturb the delicate balance of my mind further by pursuing something I do not need.
Career: see above.

Friday, 29 May 2015

29th May 2015

Love: I love the North Wales scenery and driving along its roads. Snowdonia, in particular, feels like my spiritual home. I am, however, Cornish not Welsh.
Life: I did overtime at work again and got my fringe trimmed on the way home. After I'd fed Mia, I felt restless so went for a drive. By the time I got to Cheshire Oaks, I felt that there was nothing more I wanted from life and nothing more I wanted to give. So I then asked the universe to give me a purpose. As I drove around North Wales, I received my answer. To be honest, it scares me which I feel is probably a good sign that this is the real deal. There are, of course, details to work out and it may yet come to be that I cannot realise my purpose but at least I have one. Not content with one landmark decision for one evening, I also made another one concerning my future health and happiness. That too may not come to pass but at least I know what I want to aim for.
Career: As mentioned, I did overtime today. There is still no indication that funding will be renewed, so the extra money can't hurt at this moment in time.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

27th May 2015

Love: I love being creative. I've been a creative for as long as I can remember. Whether it be drawing, cooking, sewing, painting, writing, songwriting, whatever! I love it! Yesterday I was asked to design a poster for Shape And Situate - a magazine of posters of inspirational women. So this evening I have spent all my time doing it. I'm pretty happy with the result but I don't know whether I'm allowed to share it with you until it's published, so I won't.
Life: today, whilst I was drawing my poster, Ian from work was tidying up my back yard for me. He has totally transformed it for me! I am well chuffed! He did it as a thank you for designing the slide show for his mum's wake. He says he prefers gardening to sitting in the office. So, who knows, maybe I'll persuade him back again sometime. :)
Career: Another day at work - plus Ali found me a fabulous job to apply for in Sefton, so fingers crossed for that.

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

26th May

Love: I love teaching art at Tomorrow's Women, Birkenhead. Unfortunately, not having the energy to do more, I teach just once a month but it's fabulous! The students today were extra awesome too! One woman in particular took my breath away with her bravery and original vision/imagination! It was a delight to see! :)
Life: After work and teaching, I went to Big Love Sista Choir after a week's break. It was great to be back amongst my amazing, loving, friends and singing. After warm-ups we did a new song which was kind of an African chant and then another new song, Bread And Roses, which apparently is an old Marxist song and was so empowering! It really did make you want to march for revolution! And we finished on Make You Feel My Love and Higher And Higher. It was fabulous! :) Today is also my mum's 21st birthday. She's now half my age! I think it's a genetic thing passed down through the generations where the children are older than the mother. My Granny Smith (yes, I really did have one!) was only 13 when she died!
Career: I returned to work today after the bank holiday. It was great to be back. I know I keep saying it but I have the best job working with the loveliest bunch of people! I will really miss it if funding isn't renewed in July. :(

Monday, 25 May 2015

25th May 2015

Love: I love where I live. Although the decision to move here was made in some haste to escape painful memories in Preston, I totally chose the right area! Everything is either a short walk away or a few minutes on the bus or train or car. Liverpool spoils us for attractions and things to do and, on the whole, the Wirral is just lovely. But best of all are the people. They really get a load of stick but I've never felt more welcome or met a bunch of warm hearted people anywhere else! They put me to shame, they really do!
Life: today I was invited over to the Griffins for a buffet and viewing of the "three queens" as they sailed down the Mersey to Liverpool. To be truthful, I went for the walk and the buffet (Tony always spoils us with his culinary skills! :) ) as I'm not bothered about the boats and don't really understand why an estimated 1.3 million people have turned out to see them but, as it turned out, although all that still stands, I did enjoy seeing them. It was a really pleasant day. :)
Career: Twas a bank holiday today. Back to work tomorrow. :)

Sunday, 24 May 2015

24th May 2015

Love: Isn't Eurovision one of the most stupidest but wonderful things ever! Even when I knew who won and where the UK came, I still enjoyed watching it on iPlayer today (I missed it yesterday as I was at Sound City)! Despite only really liking one song (Poland) as well! It just goes to show I guess that it's the spectacle I enjoy rather than the songs!
Life: today I went to Southport in search of some interesting footwear and was heartily disappointed. Even Pavers, who are usually so reliable, only had shoes suitable for pensioners! I came home via Liverpool waterfront and drove past the Queen Mary 2 ship (there's a big fuss here about "the three queens" being together at the same time timorrow) and my jaw literally dropped! It's huge!! However, I still don't really understand what all the fuss is about. Once you've seen that they're huge - which takes like a second! - what more is there to say about them? It's not like they're gonna let us clamber on board for a look around!
Career: I don't work Sundays.
Time: yesterday, I had the realisation that a mere 15 years ago, I had no clue who John was as I hadn't met him yet. I don't know if I can convey how devastating this thought is! I'm not sure I really understand why it upsets me so. I just know that it does.

23rd May 2015

Love: today I opened up a bit and concluded once again that a lot of my problems with others come from the fact I don't love myself enough. I don't know how I get to that point of loving myself enough that I have better relationships with people but I can certainly redouble my efforts to find out.
Life: Today I went to Circle at Gather The Women but I'm afraid rules 1-10 of Circle is you don't talk about it, so that's all I can say about it... except I always find it helpful and today was no exception (see above... Oops!). I also went to Sound City again and really enjoyed it again. I saw three groups tonight. One group I don't know the name of but I'm not that bothered anyway! I also saw Unknown Mortal Orchestra who were very good but I would like to have seen a bit more of them as they only played for half an hour (but such is the nature of festivals I guess) but best of all were The Flaming Lips who were every bit as good as I hoped they'd be! And I'd been waiting 16 years to see them (since getting into them in 1999) so I was anticipating much! And Wayne (the singer) really struck me what a sweet guy he is - especially when he stopped the concert and told us to be peaceful so a paramedic could tend to someone in the crowd! Oh, and there were also puppets on display tonight which was magical in itself! :)
Career: I don't work weekends but, regardless, I dont know what's happening with my career. I'll just have to trust that the universe isn't going to abandon me now I've taken my first steps in entering into it properly.

Friday, 22 May 2015

22nd May 2015

Love: despite everything, I love Liverpool Sound City. On paper/internet it really shouldn't work! It's a tiny site with at least half a dozen 'stages' crammed in, on the docks several miles out of town with poor transport services. But it does work because for the simple reason, if you don't like the music that's being played, you can go a few steps onwards and discover a different band who might be more to your liking! I also very much appreciated the provision of seating dotted around. I'm not as youthful as I used to be!
Life: so tonight I went to Sound City and saw about half a dozen bands. Some are big already, some aren't. But, apart from 2 of them, I couldn't tell you what they were called! So a hint here would be to say who you are at every opportunity and to say it clearly so people can decipher what you just said!
The two bands I can put a name to are Swans and Polar States. I was a bit disappointed with Swans, but Polar States impressed me because, despite headlining the Liverpool O2 a week or so ago, they'd been put in a tiny tent that held perhaps 50 people... but played as though they were playing to thousands! It was a really confident set and showed me why people are raving about them. However, my work colleague, Josh, is in the band so don't tell him I'm not a huge fan of the music. I think they're all excellent musicians and will probably hit it huge before the end of the year but the tunes just don't do it for me. My loss, I'm sure! 
Career: today I took a day off work and, with the bank holiday, won't be in until Tuesday now.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

20th May 2015

Love: I love writing and today I've done quite a lot of it. It'll likely appear in my book for Christmas. So do keep an eye out for this essential stocking filler! :)
Life: today was Mia's monthly flea treatment day. I've got the hang of doing it now. Instead of going to her, I wait for her to come to me and sit on my knee. Then, as I'm stroking her, I squirt the stuff on. It's a lot less stressful than chasing her around the house and trying to pin her down! She also seems to have sorted herself out a routine for day and night time that allows me to keep the stray out. She's a real smarty cat and awfully accommodating! :)
Career: today was a full day at work again, doing overtime. I also put my name forward for 2 voluntary positions as I figure, if I'm going to live without a wage in 6 weeks time, then I need to be keeping myself occupied, away from the temptation to spend money I don't have!

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

19th May 2015

Love: At the concert tonight I met this guy called Michael, who must be about 20 years older than me. He was a chatty sort and told me about his passion for doing reviews of the bands he sees. Talking to him, it was clear he didn't have a clue who the bands were! He just liked going to concerts and writing about what he experienced. Last year he said he saw about 300 bands, so he's obviously not short of cash! The thing is though, he's not published a single review he's written! He doesn't even have a website because the internet is alien to him! He just has a passion for writing, so that's what he does! And I think that's awesome! :)
Life: Today, as I said, I went to a concert. It was to see a band called Mew at The Ritz in Manchester. The support were All We Are and they were very good! But Mew were even better! They just absolutely blew me away! It's always good to see how a band compares with their records and Mew absolutely smashed it! No autotune needed for them! :)
Career: Today was just a half day again and there's really nothing more to report than that.

Monday, 18 May 2015

18th May 2015

Love: I love how my book of poetry is shaping up. I've only been writing again since October last year, so it should be a real hum dinger by Christmas! I'm really proud of the quality of work I'm writing! :)
Life: I've been a lot more cheerful today. Unfortunately, Mia is a bit down in the dumps cos she thinks I'm neglecting her. She's right in a way - I'm not paying her the attention she's used to but there's good reasons for that.
Career: I worked overtime today. It's the first full day of work (if you discount the support I've given at CAW's events) for roughly 3 years! I wasn't as tired as I expected to be either so that's good. :)

Sunday, 17 May 2015

17th May 2015

Love: I have some terrific friends! Today I woke up tired and grumpy. So Clare tells me to go and get myself some nature. I ended up going to Sefton Park and really enjoyed sitting there and watching the world go by. Then I persuaded Amanda to join me and we went to Keith's Bar on Lark Lane and drunk mint tea and had a good chat. It was lovely! :)
Life: Merseyrail didn't impress me today. I decided to go to Sefton Park/Lark Lane by train. I bought my ticket and hopped on the train only to be told halfway there that there was a replacement bus service and I had to change at Central for it. So I get off only to find out that the buses were going from Lime Street! So I ask to get back on train to Lime Street but was told I couldn't and would have to walk there! So I thought, "fuck it!", and walked to Sefton Park from Central instead! (2.6 miles according to my phone). It was worth it though cos it was a lovely walk and I had a moment of enlightenment: walking gives me a sense of accomplishment because it sets me a goal to achieve (when I reach my destination). So I thought maybe if I set myself lots of minor goals to achieve maybe I wouldn't feel life was so pointless. Maybe my goal could even be to get through the day to the next day! I used to do something similar after John died and found it useful then. So I know it works!
Career: Nothing happening.

Saturday, 16 May 2015

16th May 2015

Love: Reading this month's edition of Diva about a Trans woman's experience of dating was depressing. As well as Trans I also have the double whammy of being a widow and then you add on my legs and feet... is there any point at all really?? It's all very well telling me to love myself but the point is I want someone else to love me too! I don't want to live the rest of my life alone! If I knew that's what my future has in store for me, I'd end it now! ;(
Life: I feel like life is trying to defeat me at the moment. As well as everything else I have to endure, today I have had to endure trying and failing to buy train tickets for Brighton because of a fucked up website, someone being immature and trying to make me feel guilty for having an opinion plus some drunken prick on Bold Street tried to snog me whilst I was waiting for Pauline! Fortunately, there are upsides such as seeing Lau in concert tonight, who were every bit as good as I hoped they'd be, plus coming home to cuddles with Mia.
Career: Nothing happening.

Friday, 15 May 2015

15th May 2015

Love: I had a wake up call today when I moaned that I'd been 'single' for 2 years when people reminded me that they'd been single for a whole lot longer.
Life: today has been ups and downs. I enjoyed the Navajo awards for the most part and there were some parts of LightNight that I enjoyed. But I am not the sort of person who finds it easy to go with the flow so I also got rather grumpy. I also saw a really bad play which my friends seemed to find really entertaining. All I can say to them now is think how you would feel if you had my lived experience and had watched that play. Would you find much to laugh about?
Career: I had the day off today.

Thursday, 14 May 2015

14th May 2015

Love: I love Liverpool. I often say, "if I ever get bored of Liverpool then shoot me!". Today was another example of its brilliance! I went into town for a beat poetry event which was pretty damned fine in itself but they'd also put some duck statues out in preparation for LightNight tomorrow - an evening in Liverpool where practically every art venue (and some non-art venues) are gonna be showcasing their latest productions for free! I ask you, how awesome is that?!!
Life: as mentioned I went to a beat poetry event this evening. I went with Amanda, who is about half my age but so wise and totally awesome! She's one of many Liverpool women I have made friends with who just bring so much sunshine into my life! I consider myself blessed to have so many awesome friends!
Career: after work today, I joined a bunch of my work mates for a walk around Liscard Central Park. It was awesome! I can't believe I've lived so close to it all this time and never explored it until today! The best bit was when we passed some ducks by the pond and there were some baby chicks there! It was really heart melting stuff! :)

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

13th May 2015

Love: I love how people are responding to the general election result/the absolute callousness of David Cameron and chums. We've all had a good moan and a cry but now we're organising and suggesting ideas how to resist the Tory onslaught. Watch this space! :)
Life: Today I reflected on the NHS as I went to collect my hormone prescription from the Pharmacy. In the past I've moaned about how much my medical treatment costs me. Today I reflected that it could soon cost a whole lot more! Why anyone voted for this still baffles me! Do they not know that Capitalism is a failure?? Are we supposed to just carry on with it because we can't think of anything better? Or maybe we should start to arrange alternatives that don't make a sham of democracy and justice!
Career: Today I have written to Wirral Met and Birkenhead 6th Form offering my services for free. I figure if the government don't want the populace to have a good education for free, then a way to counteract that is for teachers to freely offer our services. Looking at the WEA website, I noticed I'm not alone in thinking that. Unfortunately, they're not interested in teaching people Art or Design though. Hence offering my services elsewhere.

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

12th May 2015

Love: I have so much potential locked in my back yard but, sadly, I don't really know the first thing about gardening! So I was really thankful that Ian from work came over today with the aim of helping me unlock some of that potential! I truly have some fabulous friends! :)
Life: when I started going to Big Love Sista Choir I was nervous about what they'd think if they knew I was Trans. Even when I outed myself, I never ever thought I'd end up as a communications assistant for them! But that is what has just happened tonight! I'm so made up to get such an honour! :)
Career: Don't know, do care! So many possibilities but I'd much rather if at least one of them was a definite!

Monday, 11 May 2015

11th May 2015

Love: Today I've been working on my Paint Draw Print Like The Masters activity book. I love it. It gives me things to do and new ideas to try. It's great! Today I also did a painting of Mia in it. It's not bad, even if I do say so myself!
Life: Despairing after the election, I'm glad I managed to find an information sharing group on Facebook which will hopefully give my emotions a productive output. I also hung my two paintings in my bedroom, after months of prevarication.
Career: Today was a simple day of uploading articles to the website and creating the finders bulletin. I like things simple! :)

Sunday, 10 May 2015

10th May 2015

Love: Thank goodness for Mia.
Life: today I have been cuddling Mia and taken things slow. Then I went to LGBTQ Circle and depression hit me again. Nothing lasts but I wish some things lasted longer than they do. :(
Career: I don't work Sundays.

Saturday, 9 May 2015

9th May 2015

Love: I allowed Mia a little time in bed with me this morning. Basically because I was too tired to shoo her away and I do miss cuddling up to her. I think we both enjoyed it.
Life: I met up with Jayne and Sarah today as I can't make it to Jayne's birthday party next weekend. We did a little bit of shopping on Bold Street and then had tea at Kasbah. The girls had Tagine de Fez and I had Couscous Royale. Then the girls had pancakes to follow, whilst I had baklava. It was a very enjoyable meal.
Career: I don't work at weekends and I want that to continue.

8th May 2015

Love: I love this country, I love my friends, I love my family, I love the possibility of life. That is why I voted against - and encouraged all I knew to vote against - a Tory government. I failed in my goal and we now have a Tory majority government. But I also still have my friends, my family, and continue to be amazed - sometimes shocked - by the possibility of life. The only thing I'm uncertain about now is my country. I have no idea what will happen to my country but I hope my worst fears won't come true.
Life: I have never known a day like today. Even when Thatcher won her third term (my earliest memory of politics) I don't remember being surrounded by so much disbelief and sadness. I cannot fathom how England can seriously believe Ed Miliband was a worse prospect as Prime Minister than the man they blame for the recession; how they can vote for the effective euthanasia of so many in this country; how they can vote to hand over even more power to the rich, selfish and greedy and drive themselves into servitude in the process. Who do they seriously think will care for them, if they have so blatant disregard for themselves?!! Do they expect us socialists to do it when they have just voted away our power to do so effectively?!! It is just incomprehensible to me. And I fear we will never recover from such stupid, short-sighted, action as what happened on 7th May 2015.
Career: Last night I got about 3 hours sleep. So today, as well as being upset and in shock, I have been beyond tired! I went into work but, an hour later, I had to go home sick as my brain just could not think and my gut was doing cartwheels. Not a good day.

Thursday, 7 May 2015

7th May 2015

Love: I love writing (e.g. this blog!) and I've decided to pursue this love with a little more determination. So I'm looking at partaking of a Creative Writing course - probably in September now when the next academic year begins (timing was never my strong point!).
Life: Today is Election Day. My polling booth was conveniently in between my place of work and place of beautiful nails for which I had a 1pm appointment. So I popped in and did my civic duty enroute. I'm not ashamed to say I voted Labour and had my nails painted red in support. Then I went and got myself a tofu rice pot with omelette and hoped I wouldn't be left with egg on my face!
Career: Today, with a little help from Alison Clare, I've found the courage to go with my gut and make a firm decision... In January 2014, I started volunteering at (V)CAW to get me out the house and, in July, I took the job of Communications Assistant because it was a job I wanted, not because I needed the money. Remembering this, I have decided that, should my contract not be renewed in July (there's currently no funding for it), I'm not prepared to work for the sake of it. Instead, I will make the sacrifices required (of the financial kind, sadly, as much I'd like to sacrifice certain people!) to maintain my current position of doing the things that I want to do. I want to do things that mean something, not be a slave to luxury! (See "Love" above).

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

6th May 2015

Love: I love a cat called Mia. She varies between naughty, lofty, clingy, and heart meltingly adorable.
Life: Not getting to sleep until 1:30am this morning, I've been tired today. Being tired tends to make me want to sleep forever and today has been no exception. The afternoon was spent waiting for someone to come fix my roof. At 5pm I went out and looked and it still looked to be unfixed. So I phoned them up and they said someone came this morning and fixed it. I told them it still looked unfixed to me. So they're now sending a surveyor out on Monday to check the work. What's the odds on the work being done and me left with egg on my face!
Career: I'm scared and I don't know if I'm strong enough to face my fears. But I need to work out whether I'm going to try because it's not fair to get people to help me if I'm not.

5th May 2015

Love: Today I had a change of thinking. I feel that it is too much to ask that I somehow get over losing John. I can't pretend I didn't have a 11+ year relationship with the most gorgeous and kind hearted of men, who made me feel so very special. That I haven't been changed by that relationship, how it ended and the effect the last 2 years have had on me. So instead of making myself 'fit for dating' (as I comprehended it to be), I'm going to put the responsibility on my suitor (whoever they may turn out to be) to love me as I am - the whole package. I feel it inside me that I can give my heart wholly to someone else and, surely, that will be all they require? And, should I not be lucky to find love again, then I have to accept that fate. That is the harder of the two options but I feel, with a bit of effort, perhaps I can do that as well.
Life: Today I went to see Rodriguez in concert in Manchester with Amanda. Amanda is one of a small number of people (most of which are in the Big Love Sista Choir) who always brings sunshine into my life. I love the fact our friendship works the more I'm myself and not trying to impress her. :) As for Rodriguez - he is a living legend but so humble with it! It's probably because he didn't get success until a few years ago (he's now 72) and so I imagine appreciates even more all the devotion and affection coming his way after all these years! The concert was excellent! I would very much like to see him again, if I'm lucky. :)
Career: Today's watchword was "anger". I work with the loveliest bunch of people but, for whatever reason, I was angry at work today and did well not to show it (I hope). Dunno what that's all about and hopefully it was just a blip.

Monday, 4 May 2015

May 4th 2015

Today I had a revelation. Of late I've been feeling tired and just want to sleep. I've been feeling exhausted and didn't know why. Recognising some of the symptoms, I reckoned I was fighting something but couldn't really put my finger on it.
Well, watching The C Word (starring Sheridan Smith) gave me my answer - I was fighting the truth.
I've been censoring myself for fear of what reaction it will bring. So my answer is to start blogging daily my thoughts on my life. 
In doing so. I want to avoid the traps I've fallen into previously; of setting myself up as a sage or a hero or brave or any of that other shit that ends up doing my head in!
And I'm also going to try to be honest and not censor myself for fear of hurting anyone's feelings. After all, I am not anyone's nanny and we are all really responsible for our own feelings anyway!
I'm gonna start with three basic headings: Love, Life, Career - but it might be that I add and delete more as and when I see fit. 
I'm also not promising it'll be the most interesting blog you'll ever read. In fact, it might be one of the most boring!
Love: I fall between wanting to be in a relationship with someone, not being over John yet (will I ever be?!!), being confused by the fact that I now find myself fancying women for the first time in my life and not interested in men (I'm told hormones can fuck with your sexuality so I'm putting it down to that), and being scared of being broken hearted again. It's confusing and I get pulled all kinds of ways and it gets me down.
Life: I'm fighting depression again. It happens every May. Dunno why! If it were to happen any month, I'd have thought it'd be April but, no, it seems to be May that does my head in! There has been some joy this weekend, seeing friends, but, overall, I'm just getting through.
Career: Last month I was given official notice that funding has not been secured for my job so, come July, I could very well be unemployed again. So I'm job hunting again and, to be honest, it's a struggle to muster up much enthusiasm for it - despite the threat of imminent redundancy! I'm just so tired of the rug being pulled from under my feet! I feel like karma's really got it in for me - for fuck knows why! - and part of me just wants to give up now.
Addendum: There is a little more to the story of this 'reboot'... Yesterday, as we driving to Yorkshire Sculpture Park, Cath asked about my husband, John, and I responded that he'd died, to which she apologised. I then said "it was two years ago now, its fine" and she called me out on that which, I recognise now, was the beginning of the wake up call that The C Word provided the majority of. Plus credit also has to go to Michelle who responded to my outburst on Facebook this morning with "Preach" and now I am doing.