Saturday, 31 October 2015

31st October 2015

Love: today is my brother's birthday. My parents say we're like chalk and cheese and, it's true, I don't think I could live under the same roof as him without us driving each other crazy. He's still my brother though. So happy birthday, Phill!
Life: today was another day at heArt School. Today we were creating faces. However, by lunch break I could feel myself getting tense so I decided to do an abstract canvas just for the excuse to splat some paint on the canvas and release some of the tension! Talking of which, I figure the tension was created by the lovely atmosphere there is at the studio. It's a stark contrast to how I feel at college where I've quickly had to develop a thick skin to help me deal with it. By contrast, I feel safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable when I'm with my Sistas. So I feel the tension was created by me resisting allowing myself to be soft and vulnerable because I know in three days time I cannot be that way! Which, in reflection, is a huge shame. I'd like to see if there was some way to allow myself to be soft and vulnerable at college because that's when I feel empowered and real. After heArt School I went to my friend Sonia's birthday party. Like my brother, she's a Halloween baby too. It was a quiet affair - a home cooked meal with a few of her friends - but pleasant for it. :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is responding to my needs to release my tension. In the past, I didn't really listen to my body or pay attention to my needs. So it's a invaluable gift that Art From The Heart and Big Love Sista/Clare/heArt School has given me these last couple of years that I am now able to do that. :)

Friday, 30 October 2015

30th October 2015

Love: I had a dream last night. It hasn't come true yet.
Life: today the boiler man came to check it's working properly. He was meant to come between 12-4pm but turned up at 5:30pm without even an apology or explanation. Amore has also arrived today. I was meant to pick her up from the station but things went somewhat awry! :(
College: I spent 7 hours drawing logos today.
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today is having Mia for company. She can drive me to distraction sometimes but today she kept me sane!

Thursday, 29 October 2015

29th October 2015

Love: I woke up this morning with the thought that I have too much to live for these days to really consider suicide. That was a lovely way to wake up! :)
Life: today, with the exception of my poetry class, I've not done a bit of college work. It is probably the first day this is the case since I started last month! However, my anxiety is not allowing me to enjoy it. :( True to his word, the 'damp man' dropped off his quote this morning. It's not as pricey as I feared but it's still in the hundreds! :( As mentioned, I had my weekly (I hope!) poetry class today. We did punctuation which was particularly useful to me as punctuation is one of my weaknesses. I also got feedback on last week's poem. I was praised for my choice of verbs and that it would be a poem everyone would enjoy. Considering it was about death - as much of my poetry is these days! - that made me wonder whether it'd been understood correctly! After class, I went via a fancy dress shop in town but when I saw them queueing around the block, I thought "fuck that!" and didn't bother. So I will be a Claire for Halloween. Be very afraid!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today was learning about punctuation. You never know when it might come in useful!

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

28th October 2015

Love: Mia still loves me. All is well with the world. :)
Life: today I met up with Ali who I used to work with at CAW. We've both gone our separate ways now - Ali to work for Golf England and me to do my degree. It was great to meet up - I like Ali a lot! She was one of the best amongst a great team at CAW! She also treated me to a mocha and cake, so that's another reason to like her! :) I also had a chap come around to look at the damp in the coat room and we think we've got to the source of the problem - my shower screen is letting water through and my bath isn't sealed properly, so the water is going through the floor and causing the damp. It's gonna be expensive to fix but, on the plus side, it isn't anything to panic about. This evening I watched a couple of films on Amazon. One of them was Invictus, which is about when South Africa hosted and won the 1995 Rugby World Cup. Obviously, Nelson Mandela is inspirational but not only for standing up to injustice but also for forgiving the injustice that was done to him and leading his country in forgiving the injustice that was done to the majority of its people. It made me reflect on how hard I find it to forgive - especially the injustice that was done to John - but if Mandela could forgive all that, then surely I can forgive too. And, like my grief counsellor said, "hate is a poison we end up taking ourselves".
College: today I did my visual merchandising concepts, finished my A1 drawing, got stuff cut and stuck in my make-up and visual merchandising sketchbooks, and also printed out my poem for tomorrow. It was a very productive day and I feel much nearer to getting on top of things than I did at the start of the week. :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is meeting up with Ali. I look forward to meeting up with her again near Christmas. :)

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

27th October 2015

Love: This is the umpteenth time I've been on an art college course but, unlike those times, this time I'm not interested in playing safe and trying to make myself employable. As a result, I'm getting far more out of it and producing work I love (even if I don't love the workload!) and playing safe never got me anywhere anyway!
Life: I treated myself to lunch today at Tokyou noodle bar. I had a huge plate of Tokyou noodles. Needless to say, after that I didn't feel like having much for tea. So just had paneer on muffins with mango pickle. Both meals were nom! :) After tea, I watched Doc Martin and Fargo, and had another look at the damp in my coat room. I had a plumber look at it a month or two ago and he didn't seem overly bothered but I think I need a second opinion! :(
College: I went to college this morning to print off a load of images. Somehow I have got through over 500 print credits in just over a month! I can't see them lasting to June at that rate! I then went up to our tutorial room and met a few others there and found I'd not really done the right thing for my Christmas card concepts. After that I went into town to the bombed out church to indulge myself in some street art and have some lunch. When I got home I sorted out my Christmas card concepts and then, this evening, sorted out my photography folder.
One thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is my little bit of street art. It gave me an insight into what it must be like for street artists to do their thing. It was a pure adrenaline rush! :)

Monday, 26 October 2015

26th October 2015

Love: Yep, Mia again. It's the only love I get these days so I do appreciate it! Cat or not!
Life: this evening I watched a couple of documentaries from the BBC archive. One was on the Ealing comedies and the other was about Dracula. They were both very good. :)
College: today I finished off my A2 drawing of shoes. I'm quite pleased with it but I'm sure my lecturer will tell me I can do better! This evening I also collated some images for various projects which I intend to print off at college (I'd rather use their ink than mine!) tomorrow.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is finishing my drawing. I had quite a sense of accomplishment finishing it as it took so long to do! I was reflecting this evening that college is pushing me to achieve things I wouldn't otherwise. I do need to be pushed out my comfort zone sometimes and college certainly does that!

Sunday, 25 October 2015

25th October 2015

Love: this evening I watched Stan - a drama in which Stan Laurel visits Oliver Hardy who is dying from cancer and has also suffered from strokes. In one bit of the movie, Hardy zones out and it made me remember when John used to do that during the last couple weeks of his life. I have no real words to describe how it affected me - to have a husband who was present in body but not in mind. Words like "upsetting" and "scary" just don't cover it! But remembering it made me cry again this evening.
Life: this morning I watched Doctor Who whilst I had my breakfast and then did the laundry and sprayed weedkiller on my weeds before getting stuck into my college work. This evening, having had my fill of college work for one day, I watched Stan, as I said.
College: I started the morning with doing another page of concepts for graphics. Then I started an A2 drawing of shoes I have to do. It's taking a lot longer than I hoped but by tea time I'd had enough so have left it for today. After tea, I did 5 pages of concept sketches for a Christmas card we have to design. I can't say any of them grab me! I also have to say I'm really disappointed how small a dent I've made this weekend in all the homework I have to do during half-term! Any hopes of having a more relaxed week have bit the dust! And to think this is only the entry level! Goodness only knows what the actual degree level's like!!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is cuddles with Mia again. It makes all the difference in the world to wind down just before bed with a bit of affection!

Saturday, 24 October 2015

24th October 2015

Love: Mia has been very subdued today. I expect it is because of her visit to the vets. As much as she disliked it, I hope she knows I did it because I love her and want her to be well.
Life: this morning I took Mia to the vet for her annual booster jab. Unfortunately, there were two undisciplined dogs in the waiting room and it must've scared Mia half to death because she was much more subdued than usual when the vet got to her. She was also given a check up and she's overweight and has an abscess on one of her teeth. So I'm gonna have to cut back on her rations and Dreamies. She was also sick this afternoon which I put down to her booster jab until I discovered cat fur around the toilet bowl! What is it with cats and drinking dirty water?!! This evening I wrote a poem for next week's class. It's called Amongst Stones. I also watched BBC iPlayer and an old Sherlock Holmes film on Amazon called The Woman In Green. They don't make them like that anymore! Thank goodness! It was basically a mash-up of several of the original stories but without any of the tension whatsoever! It was rubbish!
College: this afternoon I did my homework for graphics. I also wrote a list of all the things I have to do before the end of half-term. It's a long one!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is speaking to the nice Irish gentleman from the fraud office who was very patient with my enquiry and gave me some good advice to protect my money. It was a pleasure to speak to him and be so reassured.

Friday, 23 October 2015

23rd October 2015

Love: I've not really had much time with Mia this week so it was lovely for her to come for a cuddle this evening. It was a lovely way to unwind. :)
Life: today I awoke to the news that my internet provider, TalkTalk, had been hacked. I now fear the worst! Their response has been pretty slow too - I only got the email this evening! It doesn't say much for a company that you hear of a security breach on the news before the company themselves! It makes me want to swap but, sadly, I'm in an 18 month contract with them! :( This evening I also joined Amazon Student Prime so have lots more videos to watch and music to listen to! It's pretty timely because my Vodafone contract expires in December and I can't afford to maintain it any more and will have to go for a cheaper option which probably won't have the same freebies.
College: my favourite lesson today was make-up where we used wax to create fake wounds. I'm enjoying make-up more than I thought - especially the theatrical stuff! Whereas fashion, which I thought'd be more my thing, I haven't really got into yet. It shows the benefit of this course where you get a taster of all sorts and can see what really suits you! Even if it is incredibly hard going! On the downside, the bus home was a disaster tonight because the connecting bus was so late it was only marginally in front of the second one on the same route! I was stood there for 40 minutes waiting for a bus that should come every 20!! Then this evening I did my photo montage inspired by Barbara Kruger for contextual studies. So, baring actually printing it out, I've done all my contextual studies homework for half-term. So that's one less thing to worry about!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is cuddles with Mia. She may be a cat but I have to take my dose of affection where I can these days! And she's a lovely cat too! Even when she's being naughty!

Thursday, 22 October 2015

22nd October 2015

Love: Mia is a sweety! Even when she's being annoying! Even at 5am in the morning!!
Life: this morning I went for my flu jab before doing the shopping. With the way things are going, I feel that Tescos is wanting to become a community centre. However, it also feels that every time I go there, there is less of the things I actually want! After lunch I went into Liverpool to get some more art stuff (Cass Arts are doing very well out of me these days!) and go to my poetry lesson. My anxiety had been getting at me though since I missed last week. Needless to say all that I was dreading would happen, didn't. Instead I found it enjoyable and was glad I went. :)
College: today I have been finishing off my piece for contextual studies. I'm pleased with it but have left it under a pile of books to flatten out as it curled up when I painted it!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is conquering my anxiety to go to poetry class. I feel the more I do that, the more it'll sink in that my anxiety is just an illusion out to stop me being awesome! :D

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

21st October 2015

Love: for the most part, I loved college today. I don't expect it'll last so I'll just appreciate it for today.
College: So it was a 6am start today and I hadn't really slept that well because of the terrible weather through the night and my ankle hurting. So I woke up wanting to go straight back to sleep again and my anxiety was getting at me, so I really wasn't looking forward to college. But I remembered two weeks ago; the last Wednesday I'd felt the same but had actually enjoyed it. So I talked myself into going and, as I said, I enjoyed today. So I think that's a vote of confidence in college (maybe!). When I got home, I put together a collage for my contextual studies lesson in a fortnight (it's half-term next week).
Life: after getting home, I fed myself and Mia and watched Netflix (out of the corner of my eye) whilst doing my collage.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is my lecturer, Angela, who was in a real good mood today and got my morning off to a splendid start which pretty much set me up for the day then! :)

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

20th October 2015

Love: Mia is still the light of my life - especially on college days when she is a real tonic to my moral! <3
College: today was a hard day for me and I have to admit my concentration did not last the full day. It started with tutorial which I used to cut out some images for tomorrow. After lunch it was our drawing lesson and we had to do a still life. My muse wasn't really with me today so I struggled with it. I also got feedback on my A1 drawing and I was praised for it but essentially told it was too woolly and needed to sharpen it up a bit. It may sound naive but it made me realise that a key part of learning isn't just to do well but to have the desire to improve. We were also given a ton of homework for half term next week. After that it was graphics and we did typography and again, as naive as it sounds, I realised its not good enough to know stuff but to demonstrate that I know it. I also stayed an hour afterwards to print off more images for tomorrow and again had a nightmare with the computer! When I got home and fed myself and Mia, I then did more work on my sketch pads.
Life: this evening, I had to do Mia's flea and worming treatments and thank goodness for Dreamies! I'd tried hiding her worming pill in her food before but she sometimes managed to find it and leave it half chewed! Well, tonight I just placed it among some Dreamies in my hand and she wolfed the lot down as usual without even noticing the pill! The flea treatment was the usual game of waiting for her to come sit on my lap and do it then. It takes patience but it works.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is doing this blog, actually, because I came to bed depressed and doing the blog has allowed me to unload and get a few of those worries out of my head where they do the most damage!

Monday, 19 October 2015

19th October 2015

Love: For me, self-love isn't about ego. It's about looking after myself so I can function better. With the way college is, it's more important to do that than ever! It's one of the best things I've learned from Big Love Sista (who I miss terribly at the moment, not being able to get involved because of college!).
Life: today was meant to be a day off college but I had stuff I wanted to do, so I went in anyway. When I got home again, I fed myself and Mia and watched Netflix.
College: I got to college about 9:30am and went to find out what was going on with my enrolment. It turned out I was due an email. So I left it and went to the library to print off a load of images and had a total nightmare! The college has a rule about bad language so I was lucky really I wasn't spoken to because I was swearing my head off under my breath! (Anyone who's seen me when IT malfunctions will know what I'm talking about!) in the end I went and got the librarian and he started swearing too, so it wasn't just me! In the end I was moved to a different computer and got it sorted but not before I'd used up valuable print credit on wasted paper! After that I looked at my email and found I'd got what I'd been waiting for and enrolled and then paid half my fees. So that's me commited (in a lunatic asylum!) until June next year! After having lunch at the college canteen, I went into Liverpool to research vintage clothes shops for my visual merchandising class and then came home. After tea, I ended the evening doing more work on my sketch pads (almost up to date with them now!).
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is giving myself a break this afternoon. I was tempted to launch straight into more work when I got home but I was firm and said "no. This is me time now". I'm glad I'm taking looking after myself seriously these days. :)

Sunday, 18 October 2015

18th October 2015

Love: Tonight I'm loving me! :)
Life: other than college work I've done the laundry, hoovered, fed myself and Mia and watched BBC iPlayer and Netflix. The film I watched on Netflix was The Angriest Man In Brooklyn, starring Robin Williams, which is not the greatest movie ever made. As everyone must surely know, Robin Williams committed suicide August last year and there's a bit in the movie where his character throws himself off the Brooklyn bridge trying to commit suicide. It reminded me that 2 and a half years ago, I too wanted to throw myself off a bridge and how far I've come since then. I've lived a lot in that time! It's pretty incredible to think how I've transformed myself and my life! I've been tempted many times but I'm the woman who wouldn't quit! I think that's the story of my life - certainly since 2010 - I keep digging deep and pushing forwards. I'm proud of myself! :)
College: so I started this morning by finishing off my tonal drawing. I'm pretty darned chuffed with it! I honestly didn't know I could draw that well! But I've a lot of knowledge to draw on now - from my art teacher back in Poole telling me to draw the insides rather than the outsides, to Clare telling me to stay relaxed and lots more besides, it all helps! :) After the drawing, I scanned some images for my interior design project and then, this evening, I've done some more work on my sketch pads. It's been a busy day! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the tonal drawing. I've come close to quiting my course these last 3 weeks but when I saw that drawing it was all worth it! I'm not saying I'm gonna now be all sweetness and light but I do see the value of me doing this course and it is worth the asking price! :)

Saturday, 17 October 2015

17th October 2015

Love: poor old Mia is feeling neglected again. There's not much I can do about it at the moment except love her as much as I can.
College: at 10am I started on my tonal drawing and by 5pm, I'd done maybe about half of it but was too tired to continue. After tea I started updating my sketchbooks because I'm fed up of scrap bits of paper lying loose in my notebook. I found it quite therapeutic and it was a nice way to end the day.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is time with Mia. I think it's becoming precious to both of us what time we can get together these days. Cuddles are unbeatable as a stress buster too! <3

Friday, 16 October 2015

16th October 2015

Love: tonight I'm loving my tutor because she gave us the best piece of news that has taken considerable weight off my mind! :)
Life: other than college, I've fed me and Mia and watched BBC iPlayer. Now I'm very tired and ready for bed.
College: so this morning I got in an hour early to print off some images. Then I went to our fashion lesson where my mood board was approved and I had fun pulling materials apart and through things. Our tutor also told us that some of our lecturers - one name was mentioned specifically - are giving us far too much homework and that drawing communication was what we need to be focusing on rather than any one specialism. It was such a weight off my mind to hear that because, as I've said this week, the homework we were given for interior design was flipping ridiculous! So my plan is to do as I've been told - focus on drawing communication, do what I can on the other subjects and then, if I get any hassle, I can justify it and know my tutor has my back! Yay! :) The downside is we were set a mammoth piece of homework to do an A1 tonal drawing of clothes on a hanger which is a logistical challenge for a start and it took me 2 hours to do just a 5x5" tonal drawing! So I set that up (the clothes on a hanger) when I got home - which I envisage I will be spending all weekend looking at! After fashion class, we then had make up and we had fun with latex making each other look like zombies! It was a very enjoyable lesson! And we finished the afternoon with photography and had a tutorial on some simple-ish Photoshop techniques. This evening I have also tried to get my photos off my camera again which I've now ended up creating a Flickr account for.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the piece of news I got off my tutor. It really made my day to hear that! :)

Thursday, 15 October 2015

15th October 2015

Love: more affection from Mia today. I was getting it in short bursts today. I must obviously have upset her somehow.
Life: other than college work there was... Doing the grocery shopping and my poetry class today took a burton and, to be honest, I probably won't be starting it again. It's not the most money I've ever wasted but it is a big disappointment that I can't fit time in to do it as I hoped. One of the criteria for doing my degree was that it wouldn't clash with my poetry course. Like much of this degree, things haven't worked out as hoped. :( I'll see how things are shaping up next week and hope I'll be able to defer if it really isn't gonna happen this side of Christmas.
College: I started my college work at 8:45am this morning by travelling out to Bebington Library to view and record its architecture as inspiration for my interior design project. After that, I visited B&Q to pick up paint samples for the same project. Then I came home and, after unpacking the groceries, I started on my mood board for my fashion project. It was taking longer than expected so I ended up cancelling my poetry class (see above). After feeding myself and Mia our tea, I went into Liverpool to pick up some art materials for interior design class. After coming home, I practiced 'the perfect red lip' for make-up class and took photos as evidence. However, when I came to email photos to myself so I could get them on the computer to print out, it wouldn't do it. I've tried a hard reset but no joy. So fuck knows what I do now if I can't get all my photos (for all my classes, not just make-up!) off my phone! :( Update: I had another play and I'm having to do it photo by photo but at least I'm transferring them.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is doing all the work for interior design. It's my least favourite lesson and I have no intention of specialising in it, but doing all that work means there's less to worry about (but I'm only just touching the tip of the iceberg for what that lesson requires this week! It's fucking ridiculous!).

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

14th October 2015

Love: I had a talk with my tutor today. It was very useful. I wouldn't say I loved it but it's the closest I'm gonna get to it today!
Life: After college I came home, fed myself and Mia and, other than college work, that was it.
College: So another day at college and one of my lecturers is doing my head in! They have totally unrealistic expectations of what can be achieved in a week - especially as my tutor said she's the one that should be giving the most homework not this blinking nutbag! - and she talks at a million words a second with ideas going off everywhere, so you never catch everything she says! So, as I said, I had a talk with my lecturer and discovered she expects us to be doing 20 hours of homework a week. With the hours we are at college, that's more than a full time job! And, unlike a job, I have to pay for it! So much for the 3 days a week I was shown on the timetable! However, on the upside, it does confirm I'm doing about the right amount of work BUT I need to be thinking of this as my full-time occupation and start treating it as such! Properly set myself a timetable to start at 9am to do a 8 hour shift on 2 days of my days off, and then a 4 hour shift on one of my remaining 2 days off! I will see how things pan out tomorrow when I get feedback on my poetry class, but that might be falling victim to this rota very soon! Otherwise, I'm only gonna be getting half a day off a week! :( On the upside, I've been told this is only up to Christmas and then things quieten down a bit for the rest of the year. So that's my goal to aim for - to last till Christmas! Also... College/UCLan haven't sorted out my enrolment yet! But, as my tutor says, they'll soon sort it out when I go to pay them next week (otherwise they won't get no money!).
One Thing: So the one thing I'm choosing today is having a chat with my tutor about college. It's clarified things for me and I may not like it or be what I was hoping for but at least I'm in the picture now (no pun intended!).

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

13th October 2015

Love: well, it's been a few weeks but today is the first day I can say I've loved! Here's hoping I have a few more before Christmas!
Life: it's just coming up to 8pm and I'm just going to bed. I am soooo tired!
College: today we went to Tate Liverpool to look at the Jackson Pollock exhibition. I saw it about a month ago but it was good to see it again. I think I appreciated more of it this time too. Having done abstract painting myself now, I know it's not as easy as it looks! I really like the movement and use of colour in his paintings! :) After the Tate we went next door to the Museum of Liverpool to see Glam Up North which also was great! All the work is being auctioned off to raise money for Claire House next month - I don't imagine for a minute I'd be able to afford any of it! But it's a great cause to be raising money for! As there's lots in the museum, it seemed criminal to leave without having a look. So look we did! So that was college today and I managed to get home for 3pm. I was tempted to do more college work when I got home but I was firm with myself and determined that today was going to be a day of rest (if you don't count my Make Up homework of watching Seven). I feel it was the right decision because, as I say, I'm exhausted!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the fact I'm going to bed happy! It's been a while and I deserve it! :)

12th October 2015

Love: more snuggles with Mia this evening. It's the only thing that makes life seem worthwhile sometimes.
Life: it's just gone midnight and I've just got to bed. Other than college work, I had a quick walk into town to pay in a cheque and as it was a sunny day I came back via the park. Then I did some more work on my huge abstract painting. My shed now has splashes of blue paint on it!
College: far from only 3 days a week as I originally thought, college is proving to be 7 days a week! Which is why I'm now thinking of going part time - which will double the time it takes to get my degree! Well, I've no other major plans for the next decade!!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is doing my abstract painting. It may seem odd to have a break from my art degree by doing more art - even if just for one hour! - but it was a real stress buster splashing that paint around!

Saturday, 10 October 2015

10th October 2015

Love: I got my hair done today. I love it! :)
Life: besides getting my hair done, I popped into town to get some stuff for college and watched Thor: The Dark World (forgettable) and Atari: Game Over (still too many unanswered questions!) on Netflix.
College: today I did a watercolour and a moodboard for college. 5 hours in total! Just as well I enjoy being creative! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is getting my hair done. It's an investment in myself that will last for months! What's not good about that?!! :)

Friday, 9 October 2015

9th October 2015

Love: There's nothing like love from a cat! That moment when Mia, fickle as she is, decides she's going to grace your lap and snuggle up is just magical! It really helps unwind after a long day! :)
Life: Not much to report other than college...
College: My anxiety was already working overtime before I even got to college this morning! As I'd not had a Friday lesson before, I was adamant the make-up teacher would hate me and think me a slacker for not having caught-up and practiced what she taught the other students in my absence. As it turned out, she was lovely with an easy going manner! I even found myself having to stop myself from laughing - it tends to mess things up when applying make-up and having it applied to you! Today we were doing the 'perfect red lip' - next week we're creating zombies! :) The first lesson of the day though was fashion. This was the lesson I'd been looking forward to most since I started, having had ideas for fashion items since I was a teenager but no idea how to get those ideas onto the page, let alone something more physical! However, before the ideas come, you are meant to start with research and that was where I was at today. So I'll have to be a bit more patient yet! The last lesson of the day was photography and, as the tutor had messed up booking the cameras out, we ended up having to put a Powerpoint presentation together for a photographer of our choosing. As I only knew one - David Bailey - that's who I did. And I've just printed it out now at 11pm!
One Thing: The thing I'm choosing today is recognising my anxiety and then recognising how unrealistic it was! If I can bear that in mind in future, I'm sure I'll do a lot better!

Thursday, 8 October 2015

8th October 2015

Love: I'm trying to write a poem about John's illness. I have some phrases but that is all. This poem will need crafting.
Life: I started a poetry course at Liverpool University today. The class was full of people much older than me and the tutor, Dr Gladys Mary Cole, must be at least 70! That didn't infringe her teaching though! She delivered an interesting class and I feel I will learn a good deal. Our homework was to write a poem on the theme of Journey, hence my above comment. After the class, I made my way slowly over to the central library for the Writing On The Wall's Mental Health & Me award ceremony. I entered in two categories but didn't even get in the top three of either! However, I have the consolation of knowing the winners were better than me. Maybe next year!
College: today was a day off college. Even so, I did some research and analysis over breakfast. Then, when I got back in this evening, I did some more work on my sketchbooks. I'm hoping I won't get any more homework tomorrow!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is writing poetry again. I've been dry for absolutely ages! And OK it's not coming together just yet but at least I'm writing something! It gives me hope my muse hasn't completely deserted me!

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

7th October 2015

Love: Mia woke me up at 3:30am this morning. I wasn't best pleased. I guess forgiveness is mutual sometimes because, despite this, I fed her Dreamies and Whiskers cat milk today (in addition to her usual food).
College: I caught the bus to and from college today. After yesterday's stress, I actually found myself enjoying today. I have tomorrow off now and I'm back in on Friday. I'm hoping I continue to take each day as it comes.
Life: After being woken up at 3:30am, I didn't manage to get back to sleep. As I was starting college at 9am, I got up at 6am and caught the bus at 7:40am. The journey in was as easy as pie. However, the journey home after college took twice as long because of the 'rush hour'! After I sorted out mine and Mia's tea, I sorted out some pages in my college journals. Before settling down with some Doc Martin on the itv player.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is creating my journal pages. I was in my comfort zone doing that and I found it a nice way to wind down from college.

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

6th October 2015

Love: I'm not sure what I love today. Today is better off chalked off as experience.
College: I'm not good with chaos. I like quiet and gentle. As such, college is proving to be a trial.
Life: I barely saw Mia today before I went to college and I barely saw her when I got home. After college, I went into town and visited Cass Arts who were having a 'student day', giving discounts on their already cheap stuff! Then I went to Big Love Sista for Circle supervision and cried through a lot of it. There is just too much stuff coming at me from all angles at the minute to cope with. Since John died my capability of dealing with stress has decreased dramatically. So with everything I'm doing at the minute, it's proving too much. Something will have to give.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today are the kind words of support that have come my way. From my tutors, Donna and Angela... to my friends, Clare, Patricia and Julie... they've said the right thing at the right time and it's made a big difference. I'm very lucky! xxx

Monday, 5 October 2015

5th October 2015

Love: Sometimes I have to wonder whether I have a problem loving things. Well, no, actually. Yes, I do! It's called anxiety! Time after time I dwell on the worst case scenario and it makes me miserable! It's not a good way to live! :(
Life: today has been another lazy day. Other than sorting out college stuff, all I've done is watch Netflix and play Angry Birds! Oh, and make some soup for college!
College: today I did my tonal drawing which went better than I feared. Then I sorted out my folders/sketchbooks for college. Nice easy bite size chunks that have eroded what seemed like a mountain of work!
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today is time spent with Mia. When I get anxious and sad, like I have today, she provides brightness in my darkness. Even when, like today, she's being naughty! :)

Sunday, 4 October 2015

4th October 2015

Love: there's few things sweeter than having a cuddle with Mia. She's a very forgiving creature too. Today was grooming day, which she hates! But by this evening she was on my lap hugging me. It makes me feel all gooey inside :)
Life: today has been a fairly lazy day. I didn't even go down for breakfast until 9am! The rest of the day has been doing college work, some laundry, watching iPlayer and Netflix, and sorting out my monthly finances. I also made mince with mash in a giant yorkie for tea for the third week running! I'm sure I'll get bored of it soon enough! :)
College: whilst watching Doctor Who I jotted down some more thoughts I had for my Art Studies 'homework'. Then, mid-morning, I did a sketch of my fireplace in my Interior Design sketch pad and this evening I did one of my kitchen. I've done college work every day since I started but at least I've been breaking it down into bite size chunks on my 'days off', which helps! I also bought my bus pass for the college year today. It's £358 but it's still cheaper than driving!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is cuddles with Mia. There's nothing like being loved! :)

Saturday, 3 October 2015

3rd October 2015

Love: I spotted my 'If The Buddha Dated' book on the sofa this afternoon, buried under junk (as is my filing system!). It occurred to me that I'm not even considering dating any more. I'm fine with that. I think I have enough on my plate at the moment! :)
Life: I had a lazy start to the day - if you discount Mia clawing her way into my bedroom! I couldn't be bothered chasing her out as usual even though she was making herself a nuisance! She clearly wanted feeding but I'm not going anywhere at 5:30am! By 6:30 I'd had enough though. So I went down and sat on the sofa and we ended up cuddling before I fed her at 7am as per routine. After breakfast, I did the laundry and a bit of college work whilst I waited. Then it was lunch time and, after lunch, I went to InTrust. It was packed! I've not seen that many people there for a long while! It was good to see! :) After the meeting, I came home and put the iPlayer on whilst doing more college work. Then it was time for bed.
College: the first bit of college work was a line drawing. I'd not done one of those since I was about 18! It took me twice as long as anticipated but I'm reasonably happy with the end result. The second bit I did this evening was research for Art Studies (aka art history) on the visual culture of Street Art. The internet doesn't half make a difference to research these days! When I did my HND I would've had to go down to the library and hope they had a book that covered the subject! These days I can just type a phrase into Google or Pinterest from the comfort of my own home at any hour I like and get all the info I need! So much better! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is my parents supporting my decision to go back and get a degree. It means the world to me to have their support! :)

Friday, 2 October 2015

2nd October 2015

Love: I'm not very good at loving myself. It's very rare that I think well of myself. I don't think I'm alone in that.
Life: today was nominally a day off but I still went into college and met up with Patricia. After college, Patricia gave me a lift into Liverpool and I went and bought myself more stuff for college. I also tried to find a satchel for college so I didn't have to constantly transfer stuff between bags but satchels must be out of fashion this year because I found very few and none suitable! Then I got the bus home and promptly went out again to do the food shopping! When I got home I sorted out mine and Mia's tea before watching a film on Netflix whilst making a cover for my visual merchandising sketchbook out of the cat print I bought yesterday.
College: I decided to take the bus to college today for a trial run before committing to buying a term time ticket. It was easy enough - especially with the ticket I downloaded to my phone! - so I shall now have to bite the bullet and buy the term time ticket I guess! It was a 'staff meeting' day at college so there wasn't any lessons but I went to the library to sort out some images for my visual merchandising assignment. Then I tried to sort out my UCLAN enrolment but it transpired that I will have to wait until the middle of next week for that to be sorted. I also wanted to confirm the financial situation of my course but, it being a 'staff meeting' day, there was no one available.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the realisation that my negativity about college is all financial. I have absolutely no qualms about spending the next 4 years at college - even going over stuff I already know! - but I do worry about the financial aspect of it. Is this really worth wiping out my savings for (worst case scenario)? I don't feel happy about that prospect. So the question I haven't answered yet is just how much do I want a 4 year educational experience that, fingers and toes crossed, ends in a degree??

Thursday, 1 October 2015

1st October 2015

Love: Day off college today so more cuddle up time for me and Mia. Except...
Life: I started the day with a trip to the dentist. They actually commended me on looking after my gums! I've never been commended at the dentist before! Then I had a look into Liscard for material with cat print pattern and ended up buying a cushion and an ornament from the Roy Castle shop. Then I popped over the road to get my eyebrows waxed before coming home for lunch. After lunch I checked online to see if my prescription was ready and it said it was. So I wandered upto the pharmacy to collect it only to find it wasn't ready at all because they were still waiting on a delivery and I was instructed to come back at 4pm. I then went upto the surgery to rebook my injection appointment so that it didn't clash with college and the only appointment they had was for this evening. So I explained the situation to them - that the pharmacy was waiting for a delivery - and we made the appointment and I crossed my fingers! Then it was back home and I did some Graphics 'homework' before having tea and going to collect my prescription. The delivery had been made so I then went to the surgery with it for my injection, which was a real pain in the arse! (ha ha ha) Then it was back home and I watched a bit of Netflix whilst doing some research for my Media class. To round off the night I watched an interview with John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten). I've loved him and his snarky personality since I was a kid! However, what stuck in my mind was his comments about anarchy - that he doesn't believe in destroying the establishment without something to replace it. It's also interesting to think how much the Sex Pistols were demonised for their anti-establishment views and now, these days, we've all seen the light and anti-establishment views are the norm. Just goes to show, I think, that you should never believe the media (they are after all part of the establishment!).
College: apart from my 'homework', I've spent a lot of today trying to find out what money I may be entitled to - fuck all by the looks of it! - worrying about the consequences of that, and thinking wtf about college in general! I'm gonna stick with it though. As I reasoned this afternoon, college is as safe a place as any to get things wrong! After all, colleges are all about learning and the funny thing about learning is that you learn far more when you get things wrong than when you get things right!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the moment I completed my research for my Media lesson because it was at that point I moved from "I'll never catch up!" to "I can do this!". :)