Wednesday, 30 September 2015

30th September 2015

Love: Mia has been neglected most of today again. She'll probably move out soon! Poor pussycat! :(
College: I got up at 6am this morning to get to college for 8am - and thereby miss worst of traffic. It's been 4 years since I needed to get up at 6am! But once a week is considerably better than 4 times a week back when I worked in Stockport! Today we had 4 different classes - without a break! (Which we've protested about) So it was another full on day but I enjoyed it again. I'm still having wtf moments but I know this is the right decision really. I also got my student card today so I can set about getting all the discounts now! After the last class, Patricia had the bright idea of staying an extra hour to do some research and avoid the worst of the traffic. It's an excellent idea! And as we never finish before 5pm, I think I'll be doing it every day at college!
Life: when I got home I fed Mia and sorted out my own tea. I then 'relaxed' watching the iPlayer - a disgraceful (imho) documentary on the KKK! - before sorting out my next few days 'learning plan' and decorating my diary (we've been told to make our journals as colourful as possible).
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is staying the extra hour after college because it killed two birds with one stone - it avoided the traffic and gave me an extra hour to try and catch up.

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

29th September 2015

Love: I've seen very little of Mia today. I've probably only spent about 3hrs with her all day! So when I got home this evening she was seeking attention. Poor neglected pussycat! :(
College: today has been non-stop. I started the morning by doing a project for college that involved stuffing a matchbox with as many different items as possible. I managed 91 but the record is over 100! Then I went to college and Patricia has been very kind to me, looking after me all day. :) The first class was a tutorial and it was quite hectic with everyone talking over each other and trying to grasp what was going on. Then we went for lunch before a lesson which explained the fundamentals of drawing. I did this decades ago! So it was really good to do it again and be reminded what I'd forgotten! :) I also bashed together a weave which I now have to do a line and tonal drawing of. Can't say I'm looking forward to that! I don't have fond memories of tonal drawings! Then it was a quick break before graphics lesson with Mark. Mark is a really good teacher (having done PTLLS and still wanting to progress my teaching career, it was really useful to observe his methods of keeping control of a class without sapping its energy). In fact, my personal tutor, Donna, is also a really good tutor but in a completely different way to Mark! I know it's only the first day but already the two tutors I've had today are infinitely better than all the tutors I had at Reading put together! No wonder the college is so highly rated! :)
Life: After college I had to hot foot it over to Knowsley for the Circles launch. It was a manic event and after such a full on day at college, I found it hard to cope with at times. In fact, at one point, I thought to myself "if my lot are as unruly as this, you can forget it!".
One Thing: I loved college today but I'm gonna choose Patricia as making the difference today. It's not easy to start college - especially 2 weeks late! - where you don't know anyone or where you're meant to be at any given time or what you're meant to be doing! So it was really lovely of Patricia to take such good care of me today! It really helped calm my nerves and I managed to avoid having any panic attacks! This is what sistahood is all about! :)

Monday, 28 September 2015

28th September 2015

Love: on the bus today a girl got on that I fancied as soon as I saw her. She wasn't at all what I thought was my type. She was feminine with long brown hair. However, what I spent most of the bus journey pondering was whether it was right/OK to fancy a girl young enough to be my daughter!
Life: of late I've been thinking one of my bestest friends doesn't like me. I've tried to counter this by thinking "you can't please all the people all the time" and "it's her problem if she doesn't like you" but it hasn't really worked. Then today I thought "she's allowed to not like you, you know!" and that did the trick! A lot of life's problems can be solved simply by changing how you think about them! Anyway... the day started after breakfast by popping into CAW to say goodbye to folk and collect my stuff. Then I popped to the dentist to change my appointment so it didn't clash with college. Then I popped to the local craft shop to buy stuff for college but they didn't have any of it, so I caught the bus to Liverpool. Whilst on the bus I had another think about how I'm gonna travel to college. I'd previously done some quick maths and reckoned travelling by car would be the cheapest option. However, whilst on the bus it dawned on me that a term time ticket that offers unlimited travel across the north west was a no brainer! So, once I have my student ID, I'll be getting a student bus pass. Whether I end up selling my car now rests entirely on how desperate for money I get! Anyway... once in Liverpool, I got the stuff I needed for college and came home again. After lunch, I watched This Is England 90 and had more of Saturday's leftovers for my tea before using my day saver bus ticket to travel back into Liverpool for the Leaders Circle at Lush Spa. I don't really consider myself a leader so I felt a bit of a fraud but, it didn't really matter, because I'd come for the Lush goodies and everyone else made me feel more than welcome anyway! So by the end of it I was feeling very blissful and loved up! :)
Career: starting tomorrow, this section shall be retitled 'College'.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is having a rethink about the cost of bus travel. Unlimited bus travel across the north west really is a no brainer! Doh! :)

Sunday, 27 September 2015

27th September 2015

Love: I love being creative. Today has been a day of being creative. I have loved today. :)
Life: I started the day watching Doctor Who and it was very good; genuinely edge of the seat stuff at times! :) Then I started my essay for my degree course next week. The title is 'All About Me' and it had to be about ourselves. As I'm sure you're well aware, reading this blog, I hate talking about myself! So I struggled with this essay! No, really I did! :) Then I headed into Liverpool for heArt School. Today's class was 'Big Is Beautiful' and we had to produce an abstract painting. As it turned out I created - or helped create - 4 abstract paintings today! It was a very busy, enjoyable and exhausting day! :) When I got home afterwards, I had some of yesterday's leftovers for my tea and watched some Ted talks.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is watching the Ted talks. The talks were on ending the silence surrounding suicide. They were very rewarding to watch and I say that as someone who has been suicidal numerous times myself. The last of which was a mere 10 days ago and now look at me! I'm about to start a bloody degree for fuck sake! It just proves my mantra that you should never rule out the possibility of things getting better! The closest I've come to suicide, however, was one month after John died. I now kind of look at it as my lost weekend and I remember the barest details about it now but, basically, I kind of had a breakdown, saw absolutely no reason to continue with life; it'd lost all meaning for me, so I got in the car intent on driving to Barton Bridge on the M60 in order to throw myself off it. However, once I started driving, I drove to Harrogate instead. Booked myself into a Premier Inn and then, the next morning, walked up the road to Art From The Heart and had my first ever lesson in art journaling. Art journaling literally saved my life! But not only did it save my life, it helped me turn my life around and helped get me a place on my degree course! It is really quite some journey! But one that I never would've taken had I not changed my mind - for whatever reason! - and thrown myself off Barton Bridge! So, as I say, never rule out the possibility of life getting better.

Saturday, 26 September 2015

26th September 2015

Love: This afternoon/evening I had a back yard party (it's like a garden party but in a back yard!). It was lovely to see people come from all around for it! The love and support they showered on me was particularly touching! I have the best people in my life right now and I'm very thankful for it! :)
Life: I did the food shopping first thing before preparing for the party. Sarah arrived at 2pm with a lovely almond and chocolate cake! We had a good natter before she had to leave at 4pm and just after she left Sandra L arrived, closely followed by Pauline and Sonia - all bearing food! And we sat in the sunshine chatting but as much as I tried to persuade them to show them my awning, they just weren't interested! Lol! Then Clare, Sandra R and Patricia arrived - again all bearing food! (I shouldn't have bothered with the food shopping! I've enough leftovers to last me a fortnight! :) ) - and we all sat out the back having a chat and just enjoying each other's company. :) it was a really lovely evening! :)
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today is the love and support I got from my friends. As someone who's spent the vast majority of my life as a loner, it means a great deal to me to have friends who clearly want the best for me. It's a thing to treasure :)

Friday, 25 September 2015

25th September 2015

Life: so today I went for an interview at Hugh Baird College for an Art & Design Degree. The tutor, Donna, was lovely and seemed impressed with the work I showed her (even saying at one point "you're gonna go far" which was lovely of her! :) ) and offered me a place. So I shall be starting at 11am on Tuesday - starting to put right one of the worst decisions I ever made! I really can't believe this is happening after all this time! I'm flip flopping between thinking "what the FUCK am I doing?!!" and wanting to do a happy dance! :)
Love: I'm really impressed with the support (emotional, material and financial (although I don't qualify for the financial bit)) the college is offering! It really helped calm my nerves this evening reading what they offer! It certainly puts ol' Reading college in the shade! :)
Career: so, having been offered a place at college, I sent an email to CAW informing them I shan't be volunteering there any more. I've really enjoyed being there these past 21 months and couldn't have wished to work with a nicer bunch of people! As such, I hope to go in sometime and say goodbye properly.
One Thing: really not a hard decision today! The one thing I'm choosing is being offered a lifeline to getting my career back on track by starting my degree next week. :)

Thursday, 24 September 2015

24th September 2015

Love: I've had another huge dose of sistahood this evening! I love it! :)
Life: Today was a full day of creativity. After breakfast I sorted out my lesson plan for Tuesday's lesson at Tomorrow's Women. I hope they enjoy it. I think it's pretty clever myself. :) Then I quickly did an abstract art piece for Free Art Friday tomorrow, simultaneously trying out a couple of experiments for Sunday's heArt School. It all well went really well and I love what I've created! :) Then I had an early tea before having a look at where I hope to spend the next few years of my life.
Career: Another step closer. Forewarned is forearmed. 
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing tonight is getting so much support and encouragement from my sistas. I really feel their strength - like I could do anything! - when they have my back! :)

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

23rd September 2015

Love: it's hard to imagine that Mia really didn't know how to play when I first got her last November. She's come on in leaps and bounds (quite literally!) since then! Daft too that her favourite thing is to chase a bit of string! All that money spent on cat toys and it's a piece of string she likes best! :)
Life: today was smoking cessation training to help me with my job (more on that later) but afterwards I came home and watched 3 hours of Doc Martin(!) and a film on Netflix. Rather uneventful day really!
Career: I hated today's training! I was bored stupid by it! And the trainer didn't help things either constantly chatting about past experiences - she turned a couple of hours material into an all dayer! Deeply irritating! But, anyway, I more or less concluded my decision last night but today I finalised it: I'm done at CAW! I love the people there and I loved working there but my interest just isn't there any more! So I've set my heart on something else and I don't entirely mind how long it takes but that's what I'll be doing no matter what! I hope to have concrete news on exactly what that is soon. Until then, watch this space...
One Thing: the one thing I'm picking today is playing with Mia. Today was a trying day so it was a pleasure to come home and spend time having fun with Mia. It's such a delight to see how much she's progressed in her contentedness too! :)

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

22nd September 2015

Love: Being part of Big Love Sista for the past 18 months has been one of the highlights of my life. I've done and achieved so much with them and I know they're never too far away if I need support. They are incredibly precious to me! I can't thank Tony enough for introducing me to them! :)
Life: After work I had a choir organisation meeting to go to, a circle planning meeting to go to plus choir practice. To be honest, I really wanted to stay home and curl up in a ball in bed but I thought "it's with Clare. I don't have to wear a mask with Clare". I knew I could turn up feeling shit and I wouldn't have to pretend otherwise. She wouldn't try to fix me or try the impossible task of making everything better. She'd just accept me as I was. So I went and it was the right decision. Things have picked up considerably this afternoon/evening. A large part of that is also due to Patricia and Shirley giving me hope that my life can still be turned around. I'm not saying anything more about that just yet in case I jinx it but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. :)
Career: Who knows! The balls are up in the air and they have yet to land!
One Thing: the one thing I'm picking today is the conversation I had with Patricia and Shirley. Things may yet not turn out as hoped but I know, even if it doesn't, it will only be a pause and not the end to the dream. :)

Monday, 21 September 2015

21st September 2015

Love: As I was walking home from work, I caught myself badmouthing myself. It brought me back to an exercise we did at the Big Love Sista boudoir but instead of following the exercise, I had another thought: "I hate myself". I also recognised that I've been running from that thought for a long time - and it's probably contributed to my exhaustion - but, actually, I believe I need to face it and start to rebuild myself from a place of truth and the truth is I hate myself. (And I would add "and I want to die" if it wasn't such a damn cliche!).
Life: this afternoon I popped into B&Q for patio furniture and plants. All the patio furniture had gone (people will have to sit on the ground at the weekend) but I did buy a load more bedding plants (and planted them when I got home). Then I carried onto Tesco and did the weekly food shop (great thing about being part-time volunteer - you can shop whenever you want to and avoid the crowds!) and booked myself in for this year's flu jab on Thursday. After bringing that lot home, I did tea and I don't honestly know what I've done rest of evening!
Career: back to work today. I'm not sure how long I shall maintain this. I feel like I'm wasting my talents. It's making me consider going and getting the degree I never got in 1999!
One Thing: the one thing I'm going to choose today is planting the plants this afternoon. It was exhausting work (I am so out of shape!) but really satisfying! I can't wait to see them grow in spring time! :)

Sunday, 20 September 2015

20th September 2015

Love: Today was flea treatment day for Mia. As usual she looked like I'd done the most evil thing to her and shunned me the rest of the night. It makes me feel very lonely when she shuns me. :( I'm sure it'll all be forgotten by the morning though when she wants feeding again.
Life: Over breakfast I watched Doctor Who (its back). It made me gasp in awe and wonder several times. It was quite a cut up from the usual opening episodes! :) Then I Henry'd and Mia scarpered as usual (not a good day for her in all - today was grooming day as well!). After lunch I tried a test piece for my art lesson at the end of the month. Although the results were good, I decided it wasn't involving enough for a 2 hour lesson so I'm going to do mosaics instead. The rest of the day was watching Netflix.
One Thing: Oddly enough, I think I'm going to pick Henrying the house. It's much nicer living in a clean house than one with cat hair and mud throughout it! It helps for a peaceful mind. :)

Saturday, 19 September 2015

19th September 2015

Love: When I bought my books on mental wellbeing, I expected me to suddenly become this disciple and single-mindedly aim towards spiritual growth. Predictably, that hasn't happened. But they are on hand to dip into when I'm feeling low. Today I had a look at my Lonely Planet little book of Happy and reconciled that I was making myself miserable by worrying too much about my future. So, instead, I decided to fuck the long term plan and live in the moment. As a result, my afternoon and evening were a lot happier than my morning.
Life: this afternoon I went into Liverpool and went to the Tate to see the Jackson Pollock exhibition. Whilst I was there, I naturally had a look at the other floors of the gallery and I much preferred what I saw today than I did earlier in the summer! I was even inspired to create a piece in my art journal when I got home! Whilst I was down at the docks, I also popped into the Liverpool Museum and went upto the top floor to look at the Wondrous Place exhibit - mostly to see The Beatles exhibits. I was taken aback to see actual clothing that The Beatles had worn! However, what moved me the most was the writers part of the exhibition. I suddenly remembered that I live next door to this fabulous city that produced such fabulous writers like Alan Bleasdale, Jimmy McGovern, Willy Russell (my favourite playwright of all time!) and The Mersey Beat poets! That's some illustrious company to be in! Best of all, it helped me recognise the one thing they had in common - they had something they were passionate about that they wanted to communicate to other people. I think that's where I've been going wrong these past few months - and probably why I've 'dried' - I've lost sight of what my passions are and it's all become a bit muddled in my head. I need to bring it back into focus and work on communicating it to others. Anyway, as I was leaving The Tate, I got a phonecall from Pauline to say she and Sonia were coming into town. So I arranged to meet them at The Walker Gallery and then we had a wander around that. So that was my third bit of culture for the day! However, I'm not really a fan of the art in The Walker so I was quite glad it was only a quick look. We then went to Patisserie Valerie where I used some more of my Love 2 Shop vouchers before we went our separate ways and I came home. Then, this evening, I did my art journal piece and watched two episodes of Question Time back to back as they featured Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell. I can't say either greatly enthused me. It's early days yet but, as much as I appreciate the down-to-earth style, I feel they need to up their game and hold court a lot more effectively.
One Thing: the one thing that made today a day worth living is reading my little book of Happy. It transformed my day and, who knows, maybe much longer! If I spend all my savings in the next couple of years then I'll deal with it then but there's little point in making myself miserable by worrying about it now! If the worst does happen, being miserable now is only prolonging the misery! So it makes sense to, at the very least, be happy now! Besides, I should have a little more confidence in myself and know I'm not going to go mad with my money! I've never been that way inclined with money, so why would I start now?!!

Friday, 18 September 2015

18th September 2015

Love: I love creating my Free Art Friday pieces. I dropped today's off at a local library. I hope someone appreciates it!
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is spending time with Leesa (we went to Knowsley Safari Park). I've known Leesa for about 15 years now and we've been firm friends all that time. She's a voice of common sense and has a really healthy outlook on life. I'll also never forget the time she brought her dog, Basil, to see John at the hospice. It really made John's day that did! It is probably the last time I saw John truly happy! :)
Life: let me tell you a story...
Leesa squealed with delight as the baboons climbed her car.
This was real life in your face entertainment!
Her delight quickly turned to dismay, however, when the baboon hitching a ride on the bonnet started to chew at her windscreen washer.
To discourage it, she tried scaring it by beeping her horn, turning the wipers on, squirting the windscreen washers, shouting at it, swerving and braking suddenly but it was all to no avail. The baboon sat firm.
The baboon was still sat on the bonnet when we arrived at the exit but made a hasty retreat when it spotted the keeper with his wooden stick!
"I wonder what that baboon's motivation was?", Leesa pondered aloud.
"I mean, it was sat nicely on the bonnet and then all of a sudden it started attacking the washer!"
I theorised that perhaps it was just a hooligan and liked vandalising things.
Later, sitting down to our lunch, we discussed the Tories' dismantling of the NHS.
Their motives are clear to see but I'm not sure whether that makes it better or worse??
Maybe, if I email Mr Corbyn, he'll ask Mr Cameron for me.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

16th September 2015

Love: today has been a difficult day so it was lovely that Mia came and cuddled me a few times. The world seems a much nicer place when we're cuddling.
Life: I woke up this morning at 4am with cramp in my leg. This quickly followed with dizziness and nausea and I didn't get back to sleep afterwards. :( After breakfast, I finished off the large canvas I started for Viva la Vulva. It is called 'Breaking Free' and I'm very satisfied with it. :) After lunch, I suddenly got very morbid and just had to get out of the house before I did something stupid to myself! So I did my usual and went for a drive until the feeling had passed. Today I made it to the Westmorland Farm Shop in Cumbria where I had coffee and cake and also bought a lump of vintage cheddar from the farm shop, which I had on crackers for supper when I got home. It was very tasty cheddar! :)
Career: as I wasn't feeling my best, I had today off. However, during my drive I had time for reflection and concluded that I need to get myself a paid for job for my sanity if nothing else!
One Thing: The one thing that has made today a day worth living is going for the 150+ mile drive to Cumbria and back. For a start it stopped me doing something I wouldn't be able to regret afterwards. Plus it also gave me an opportunity to get my head straight and think things through. I wondered whether I needed more grief counselling because I'm not sure I'm handling it that well. But then I thought well, maybe going for a drive is my way of handling it! Just cos it's unconventional doesn't mean it's wrong! I dunno. I'll have to dwell on that a bit more I think. I also considered what had lead to this latest crisis and I reckoned it was because I'm spending so much time in the house. I thought maybe I was OK to spend time at home now - I'm certainly better than I was 2 years ago! And I can relax there a lot easier than before it was redecorated! But maybe only being at work 9 hours a week is too little. I think, for reasons of my sanity, I may need to get a job that takes me away from home for more of the time - plus the money won't hurt, obviously! In addition to all that, I got some very tasty cheese! Plus was able to conclude that I really do need my car still and I'm not yet ready to commit 100% to public transport. So, all in all, my moment of crisis has had a good result. :)

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

15th September 2015

Love: Mia has inspired two moments of creativity today. This morning I sang "there's a pussycat, somewhere a pussycat" to the tune of Somewhere from West Side Story. Then, after watching her chase a spider around the lounge this evening, the rhyme "incey wincey spider, Mia wants you inside her. So you better watch out or I have no doubt you'll be meeting the four horse riders!" popped into my head! :)
Life: After work I did an abstract canvas for Free Art Friday before having tea. Then I went to choir but, as I have a cold, I didn't last longer than the warm ups! So I had to sit it out tonight but doing so meant I was able to hear it as an audience member might and, even if I do say so, we are fab! :) I can't wait till we take it out into the community! :)
Career: I was downhearted today because, when I rang up to enquire, all three social media jobs I was interested in yesterday had gone! Obviously Indeed need to update their website more often! And I don't thank the universe for dangling that carrot in front of my nose either!
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is being at choir again. I'd missed it these last three weeks and it was fab to be there again, enjoying the sistahood, and, as I said, having to sit out meant I got to hear how fab we sound! :)

Monday, 14 September 2015

14th September 2015

Love: I seem to have got stuck in my 'If The Buddha Dated' book at the bit where I'm supposed to define the kind of person I'm interested in. I'm reluctant to do it, which to me suggests that I'm not really ready to move on and find another partner yet. It's good that I know that now because it wouldn't be fair to start dating when I wasn't really emotionally ready for it.
Life: after work I came home for a quick lunch and watched An Inspector Calls on BBC iPlayer. I was struck by how pertinent this ages old play still is! Things really don't seem to change much! :( Then I headed into Liverpool for the Big Love Sistas briefing via a quick pop into The Works for art stuff for heArt School. Unfortunately, on arriving at the studio for the briefing, I discovered it locked. Looking at the reminder in my phone, I realised the meeting was taking place at KYM in Knowsley!! So, cursing myself, I got back on the train to return home, hop into my car and head out to Knowsley and, to make matters worse, rush hour was just beginning! So I arrived at KYM not in the best frame of mind to be discussing travelling expenses and the like! The moral of the story is 'look where your meant to be going before setting off!'. Fortunately, when I got home, it was a quick tea courtesy of the meat and veg I'd put in the slow cooker this morning and then a couple of documentaries on ballet on the iPlayer (It was John who got me into ballet - he was a big fan of Matthew Bourne in particular) before coming to bed.
Career: this morning Kirsteen was telling me about a website that she got a social media job with. It set a lightbulb off in my head - how many times have I said in this blog that the only thing wrong with my job is that I no longer get paid for it?!! I dunno why but I'd never thought of looking for a job in social media before! Doh! So I had a look on the website Kirsteen mentioned but I couldn't find anything in social media, so I had a quick search on Indeed and found three in particular that I want to apply for - One for an organisation that supports people with disabilities that I really really want to apply for! Unfortunately, I'm too tired to apply for them tonight but I've not been this enthusiastic about job searching for ages! :)
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is getting enthusiastic about job searching again. Job searching is a thankless task - especially in this climate - so without the enthusiasm to do it, it becomes next to impossible (which is why I took 'early retirement' in July). Hopefully, I can make this enthusiasm pay off with a new, paid for, job. :)

Sunday, 13 September 2015

13th September 2015

Love: Mia has been in the mood for lots of cuddles today. I've also learned that when she pads me, it's her way of saying she wants feeding. I'm a strict mummy though and don't bow to her whims. She has dry food out all the time anyway!
Life: This morning started with the laundry and Netflix. This afternoon I art journaled about hope and watched more Netflix. Then I cooked chicken domburi for tea and watched more Netflix. Then I came to bed.
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is art journaling. It allows me to express my feelings and lose myself in the creative process.

Saturday, 12 September 2015

12th September 2015

Love: Love is hope. Hate is fear. Love is life. Hate is death. I live in hope and refuse to die in fear.
Life: Today I deposited my Free Art Friday pieces down at New Brighton seafront. My intention had been to go straight from there to Liverpool but I got caught in a very heavy rainshower, so dashed home to change before catching train to Liverpool. Even so, I still arrived a bit earlier than expected so popped into Mowgli on Bold Street for a quick lunch. I had the 'school tiffin' which was 4 dishes of Indian vegetarian street food. It was delicious as usual - especially the paneer! Then I carried on up the hill to the 'Refugees Welcome Here' demo. Unfortunately, as I had swapped my comfy boots for less comfy boots because of getting wet earlier, it wasn't long before I had to sit down and no sooner had I found somewhere to sit down when they all marched past me into Liverpool city centre! Once I had suitably recovered, I headed down to the docks for the pirate festival which I found highly disappointing. Their idea of pirates had little to do with reality! It was almost as if Disney had taken over! Very disappointing! So I quickly headed into town again, bought a few Christmas pressies (I believe in spreading the cost) and the new Iron Maiden CD - the first CD I've bought in over a year! (It's that good!) before coming home and watching some Netflix and surfing the Internet.
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is seeing The Labour Party elect Jeremy Corbyn as leader. I'm not saying he'll be PM - that's 5 years away yet! - but Labour's return to the left is this country's best chance of opposing the Tories genocidal "austerity" measures and that can only be a good thing in my opinion.

Friday, 11 September 2015

11th September 2015

Love: it's the little things. I was playing with Mia this evening with her fish on a string toy. Several times she caught the fish and rolled over with it. It's just so sweet to see her loving to play - especially when you consider she didn't really understand the concept of play when I first got her last November. She melts my heart! :)
Life: I had a lie in this morning and then a plumber came to check if there's any leaks in my bathroom because I'm concerned about the stains on the ceiling underneath. He said he couldn't see any evidence of leaks and not to worry about it unless water starts to drip through. Then I had Ian from work come to sort my front and back gardens out. He's a much more effective gardener than the woman I had come last year and much cheaper too! I couldn't be happier with his work! :) I had intended to deposit my Free Art Friday piece today but, having to wait in, I had to wait until after my tea and then it'd got dark so I couldn't be bothered. So I shall deposit it tomorrow (just as well you don't have to deposit it on a Friday!).
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is seeing my garden all neat and tidy. As I blogged recently, I was getting quite despairing about it but, actually, it just needed someone who knew what they were doing to sort it out for me! :)

Thursday, 10 September 2015

10th September 2015

Love: I've not seen much of Mia today but we had a quick cuddle for about 10 minutes before I came to bed. Everything is all right with the world when we're cuddling up together. I love her to death! :)
Life: today I made my way over to Knowsley for children and young people safeguarding training. It was a really valuable day and I learned a lot. However, it was uncomfortable to think if I'd been born 30+ years later, my family would almost certainly come under 'early measures' which, regarding I don't think my family wasnt anything unusual, shows how much attitudes have changed in that time. I'm sure there are still those around with old fashioned attitudes who don't believe we've changed for the better but I think they're wrong and I'm pretty certain attitudes haven't changed for no reason! It's a progression towards more enlightened - and hopefully better - parenting. For instance, we can look back at Victorian times and see that it was wrong to send children up chimneys and down coal mines, and not to consider education as important to their development but also recognise that this wasn't bad parenting per se but that they just didn't know any better. I think the same can be said for parenting in my lifetime - we should be able to look back and recognise that's not the best way to bring up children without making it - or taking it - personal; people just didn't know any better - but the important thing is we learn from the past and don't stand in the way of progress. After the training, I came home and fed Mia and then went and did the food shopping. When I got home it was 8pm so I had a supper instead of tea for a change before putting the bin out and then coming to bed.
Career: I'm wondering whether I'm having a mid-life crisis. I have no real idea what I want to do with my life but I do know I want to spend as much of it with people who are passionate about what they do as they inspire me and are a pleasure to be with. I've spent too much of my life 'drifting'; not really investing in my life. Now I need to do what I'm passionate about... and get out of my own way of doing it! If only I knew what I was passionate about!
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is the safeguarding training. I learned loads and it was a very rewarding day. :)

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

9th September 2015

Love: one of the things that troubles me is how little of my life with John I remember. However, this evening I have started writing more of my autobiography and it's surprising how much of it is coming back to me. If I do this autobiography for no other reason, I must do it to remember my days with John!
Life: this afternoon I created another painting. As I said in a previous blog, my previous painting really didn't turn out as I wanted but, reflecting on it as I have since, I realise I learned a considerable amount doing it. I was able to put some of that into practice with today's painting and it turned out pretty much as I intended. :) The rest of the day has been spent watching Netflix and writing my autobiography.
Career: as Dom was in today, Rachel pulled us all together for a briefing on what she intends to do with the health and wellbeing project she's now in charge of. As usual when someone takes over, she has her own ideas of how she wants to do things. I'm quite hopeful for it.
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is having my memories about my time with John come back. It is upsetting that I can't remember our life together, so I am really happy that I've managed to stop prevaricating and apply myself in writing about it. I'm very relieved too. :)

8th September 2015

Love: I arrived home from the concert at half past midnight to find Mia waiting for me out front. That's true love right there! That my cat thinks so highly of me that she waits up for me! :)
Life: Ian popped around at lunchtime to get an update on my yard/garden. He seems to think it'll be a few hours work to do front and back which is fine by me. :) This evening I went to see Future Islands at Manchester with Sonia. They were very good! I most enjoyed it! :)
Career: another Tuesday and much the same as always except I now have Rachel as my boss instead of Ali. I like Rachel - but not as much as Ali - and I think we'll get along very well together. :)
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living was finding Mia waiting for me when I got home. It's lovely to be appreciated - especially by your pets! :)

Monday, 7 September 2015

7th September 2015

Love: I have a nightly routine for Mia - as I go to bed, she dashes into the kitchen. As I don't want any strays in my house over night, I need to shut the kitchen door. So not to shut Mia in the kitchen all night, I have to coax her out of the kitchen. That means bribing her with Dreamies and shutting the door behind her. Every night. She does it deliberately, I'm sure of it! :)
Life: I couldn't believe David Cameron's response to the refugee crisis today - what kind of arsehat thinks the way to solve a crisis caused by war is to wage more war?!! And 20,000 over 5 years?!! That's like saying, "yeah, I know you're in danger of your life right now but, if you're still alive in 5 years, I might help you!". The man could play the tin man, scarecrow AND the lion in the Wizard of Oz as he's no brain, no heart and no courage either! Anyway... today, after work, I popped into town for some food and also had a look in a new alternative clothing store that had opened (which was a total waste of time!) before coming home to lunch, Netflix and assessing the latest fuel and Internet offers (I'm sticking with what I've got). Then I did tea and watched more Netflix and had a look at WEA courses (I'm not bothering).
Career: today was the first day back since Ali leaving and I arrived to find a tube of Smarties, a box of Heroes and a thank you card from her. I was stunned! I don't know what I've done to deserve it but it was a lovely thing for her to do! :)
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is getting the pressies from Ali. It's lovely to feel appreciated even if I don't quite know why! :)

Sunday, 6 September 2015

6th September 2015

Love: I read a bit more of 'If The Buddha Dated' this evening. It's quite illuminating. I'm glad Clare recommended it to me. I'm at the bit where I now have to determine what I want in a partner.
Life: today I did a bit more of my laundry and decided to try some abstract painting on a spare canvas I had. It was one of those things where I should've left it alone as I was most happiest with the first thing I did with it but I then went to add a bit and it went wrong and the more I tried to correct it the worst it got! So I let it dry and painted a flower on it which really didn't come out as well as I intended! So I ended up spending hours messing with this painting which I really wasn't happy with and so vented my frustration on the painting! I'm thinking of entitling it 'an artist's frustrations'! For tea I made mince and mash before settling down to some Netflix and watched an old Michael Caine movie called Flawless which I would call quaint but touching.
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is remembering to treat myself like a friend. I really wasn't happy with my painting today and so I slagged it off. Then, this evening, I thought "I wouldn't say that if a friend had painted it. So why am I saying it about myself?". It's true, we are our own worst critics. But we need to lighten up and become our own best friends instead.

Saturday, 5 September 2015

5th September 2015

Love: It is my experience that love does not die with a person. Love lives for as long as people love. So if any future partners are expecting me not to love John any more, they're going to be disappointed. Similarly, bad mouthing him will not endear me to them or turn me against John. That said, I know there is a yearning in my heart to love another. At the moment that yearning is largely fulfilled by Mia. So, looking at it with a degree of detachment, it's gonna have to be someone pretty special to cram their way into my heart beside John and Mia. I have yet to meet that special person but I have hopes that I will someday soon. :)
Life: today I did a bit more weeding and planted some daffodils in the front. Time will tell how that turns out! In the afternoon I went to InTrust and it was a really good turn out, which was lovely to see. We also had a moment of reflection and celebration for Helen who died the other week. After the meeting I drove over to HobbyCraft at Aintree for a canvas for my next heArt School lesson. Then I came home and had tea, watched Netflix and wrote a poem about 'the first day back at school'.
One Thing: The one thing that has made today a day worth living was meeting up with friends and new folk at the InTrust meeting. As a single woman/widow/Trans person it is too easy to become isolated. So it is good to meet with people - especially if you swap information about what is going on, as happened today.

4th September 2015

Love: When you fall in love, there is a moment when you - consciously or otherwise - decide whether or not you're going to trust the other person and declare your love for them. I was able to do that in 2001 but, for a number of reasons, I wasn't able to in 2014/15. On reflection, as painful as it is, I think I made the right decision.
Life: After breakfast, I deposited some donations for the refugees at a local collecting point and my Free Art Friday piece by a local school and then wandered into town to speak to someone at Lloyds about ISAs. I'd previously emailed the post office about it - as its them I want the ISA with - but they never replied. Now I have my answer, I'm in two minds whether I want to put my money with the post office or look for another bank who can be bothered to answer their emails! After lunch, I did the laundry and some weeding in the back yard. The whole thing is a mess! Weeds are growing everywhere and plants I spent good money on are dying off! I think I'm going to have to think seriously about what I'm going to do about it all! The rest of the day was spent watching Netflix and by 8pm I was in bed and fell asleep watching Monty Python (which is why I'm writing this on Saturday morning).
One Thing: Out of all I did yesterday, I guess the one thing that made it a day worth living was depositing my Free Art Friday piece at the school. I feel it is so because it's something I spent considerable effort into making it, about an issue that I feel strongly about, and to then give it away for free felt kind of noble and the actual act of depositing it was kind of exciting because I was nervous people would see me and demand to know what I was doing! So something quite simple in concept has pressed quite a number of buttons for me! Roll on next Friday! :)

Thursday, 3 September 2015

3rd September 2015

Love: Mia continues to fascinate me. Doesn't matter whether she's sleeping or getting excited because I've put some food out for her, I find her fascinating and totally adorable. I can't believe I'm only 2 months off having had her a year now! Easily one of the best decisions I made was getting her. <3
Life: today I made a mixed media painting for Free Art Friday tomorrow. It took me 6-7 hours which is quite ironic for something I'm gonna give away free tomorrow! I don't think I've ever spent that long on a piece for myself! I've put it in a nice frame so, even if they don't like the painting, they at least get a nice frame! The rest of the day was spent watching iPlayer/Netflix, Facebooking and doing the weekly shop.
Career: although I wasn't at work today, today was Ali's last day at work. I shall miss her. :(
One Thing: The one thing that made today a day worth living was being creative. I think of nothing else when I'm being creative. It's a great way to forget about life at large! :)

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

2nd September 2015

Love: Mia woke me up at 6am for the umpteenth morning running. I'm trying to teach her that doing so doesn't mean she gets fed any sooner, so I just sat on the stairs cuddling her until she got bored and then I went back to bed.
Life: After work I came home, sent Clare a request for money, cuddled Mia, ate food and watched Netflix. Then I went to bed and wrote a poem about depression.
Career: Another day at work. I did a mock-up of an ebulletin we aim to send out. I've received no feedback about it yet.
One Thing: the one thing that made today a day worth living was writing a poem again - even though it is really an anti-poem.

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

1st September 2015

Love: In the last 24 hours I have been dwelling on rejection and recognising how it affects my relationships with people. As a result, I feel my task is to bring my ego to a place of such confidence that it can handle rejection; to a place where it is not even afraid of rejection.
Life: after work, I came home, had lunch and was watching BBC iPlayer when I heard rustling behind me. I turned around to find Mia tearing at a bag of paper and, having already been irritated by her, I lost my temper momentarily and went to hit her but caught myself just in time. I felt awful that I'd lost my temper and was about to take my frustration out on a poor defenceless animal who was doing nothing more than following her nature but I would've felt a whole lot worse if I had of hit her! I often wonder whether I am a suitable owner of a pet and today is a case in point. This evening I went to a party Clare and Sandra held at their house. On the way I stopped off at B&Q and got some advice on rendering my garden wall, ready for painting it. The assistant made it sound simple so I bought a bag of render and a trowel - which are still in the boot of my car, thinking about it! The party at Clare and Sandra's was a lovely affair! And the house was filled with lots of amazing women... and Joleen (private joke)! I really enjoyed it! Then, feeling a bit pooped, I left at 8:30pm and drove home. Once home I managed to coax Mia onto my knee, apologised for losing my temper with her and we had a cuddle. She's such a forgiving creature! I love her to pieces! <3
Career: today was back at work after the Bank Holiday weekend. It was great to be back! I'm so lucky to have a job I enjoy with people I love being with! It's just a shame I no longer get paid for it! :(
One Thing: it's a tough call to choose one thing that has made today a day worth living but I think I'm actually going to plump for buying the bag of render and trowel from B&Q because, in doing so, I'm facing up to a fear that I'm gonna mess this up! Life is too short to be held back by needless fears! There is nearly always a way around them if we can just look at the fear sensibly. So I'm glad I'm doing that and finding a way forward. :)