Monday, 30 November 2015

30th November 2015

Life: When I blogged the other day that I wasn't depressed anymore, I spoke too soon. I guess that is the nature of depression - it can strike anytime. You can feel like you're past it and then, all of a sudden, you're right back in it again. That is me tonight. Tonight I watched Fantabulosa! - the biopic about Kenneth Williams. He was a privately tragic man and I'm afraid tonight his final words in his diary, "Oh, what's the bloody point!" chimed with me. However, unlike May 2013, tonight I have an answer: I have a whole load of Christmas presents to deliver and a cat who relies on me. That said, tomorrow is December - the month of my birthday - and ever since John died I've dreaded getting older as it makes obvious the fact I'm moving further away (in time) from John. Today I've been particularly haunted by his face on his deathbed. How I would like things to be different!
Love: yes, so, as said, Mia has been my saviour again tonight. How I love her! She's been through enough in her life already without being abandoned again!
College: so it's been decided for me that I'm doing graphics and I was warming to the idea but today I thought that is not what I want to spend my future doing! Graphic design bored me rigid! I want to spend my days doing art! I may not be the world's greatest artist - there may be no career in it for me - but it's what gives me the most satisfaction! That is why I was looking at Contextual Studies - because it gives me the most freedom to be expressive and experimental (unbelievably, a fine art degree pushes you to be mindful of the market... zzzz! Fuck the market! I don't want to be a slave to popular opinion!) But CS is also an academic subject and I'm not an academic! So I think what's the fucking point! What freedom to be expressive and experimental is a degree going to give me?!! Just what is the fucking point! But I'll be at college tomorrow on time and dutiful like a good little girl no doubt. Fucking coward that I am!
One Thing: The one thing that has made today worthwhile is having Mia to keep me going until tomorrow when, hopefully, I'll be in a better place.

Sunday, 29 November 2015

29th November 2015

Life: today has been another wild and windy day. After having my shower, breakfast and watching Doctor Who, I intended to start on my college work but I found my eyes wouldn't focus so I had to sit with them closed for a while until they were OK again. It was a scary moment - my ambitions revolve around me being able to see. What would I do if I couldn't?!! I've since put it down to tiredness, though, as Ive sensed it coming on again when Ive been staring at the computer/iPad/iPhone screen a lot. Today I also had delivery of the stuff I ordered yesterday - one of the advantages of being with Amazon Prime is you get next day delivery even on a Sunday! I also worked on two of my canvases. Neither is really going as hoped but that's part of the creative process - you have to surrender control and let the art be what it will be.
College: today I finished off my essay for contextual studies, sorted out as much of my make-up sketchbook as I could, and started on my fashion illustration. This evening I was worrying about finances again but then asked myself what I would do if I wasn't scared of spending all that money and the answer was obvious - I would plough on and do things properly. So, I guess, that is what I really desire to do and I think I owe it to myself to do what I desire.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is being creative - for both college and myself. I live to be creative. Being creative is like breathing for me and I suffocate when I deny my creativity.

Saturday, 28 November 2015

28th November 2015

At the moment my life doesn't involve much more than college. In that regard, it's got boring. So I'd rather talk about stuff that does interest me...
Love: I'm not even really looking anymore. I think I'm a hopeless case. Who wants to be with a Trans widow with disabilities anyway? And no ones even remotely called me sexy since John died. And I'm not sure I want or can afford a relationship whilst I'm at college anyway. Just as well I have Mia then. She gives me all the cuddles I need! :)
Life: this weekend Big Love My Brother was launched. Even though it's a wild, wer and windy day I still couldn't help being envious. My life used to be exciting like that once too and now I've given it all up for college in hopes of a degree that I can't really afford. It makes me wonder whether I'm doing the right thing but I also can see that I'm not as depressed or suicidal as I once was. My mind has other things to think about. Of course, my anxiety plagues me - not giving me a moment to relax - but the upside of that is that it drives me on to achieve. So that's another bonus - I now have something to achieve: getting a degree.
One Thing: the one thing I'm most proud of in my life is not killing myself. I've been tempted many times but have always found a way past it. May that continue.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

26th November 2015

Love: The evening ended with cuddles with Mia. What do I need a girlfriend for when I have a cat?!!
College/Life: I started the Morning with doing some work on my sketchbooks. Then I went to college to finish off (I hope!) my window box and print some stuff off and email myself some other stuff. Then I came home, did the shopping, had tea and have worked on my sketchbooks again until 9pm. I ended the evening with aforementioned cat cuddles whilst watching Jessica Jones on Netflix.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is taking the day off from taking the day off to do college work. I feel much less daunted by it all now!

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

25th November 2015

Love: these days there's nothing more lovely than Mia snuggling up with me. Her sweet nature has saved my life in so many ways and on so many days. I love her to death! :)
College: I was dreading today but, as usual, my teacher surprised me and my fears proved unfounded. Contextual Studies also proved fruitful in that I almost got my 300 word essay done. It just needs a few tweaks and then it can be submitted. After college, Patricia and I went to HobbyCraft for art materials and I then went to HomeBargains and PetsAtHome for bitsandbobs. Despite this detour, I still got home earlier than I usually do on a Wednesday! After a quick tea of couscous and falafel, I then cracked on with working on my sketchbooks but called it a night at 10pm with still loads to do! So I'm going into college tomorrow - and skipping poetry class - to do them... Or at least as much as I can!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the one hour just before bed when I relaxed to watch Fargo and cuddle Mia. I'm glad I'm making the effort - even on a hectic day like today - to have some  'me time'. I'm worth it. :)

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

24th November 2015

Love: is weird.
Life: I am who I am. I feel what I feel. Any expectations otherwise are unrealistic.
College: so it was back to college today after my 4 day weekend. When our tutor told us we only have 3 weeks left to finish all our projects, I felt like crying or walking. I did neither. I was also told that I was a graphic designer. So sod all the dilemma over the weekend over what to do for my course. I'm doing graphic design.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Patricia being back in college. I missed her last week. :(

Monday, 23 November 2015

23rd November 2015

Love: this evening Mia was curled up next to me on the couch and she looked as sweet as anything. When I got Mia last year I got her as a companion. I never imagined how much I would adore her and find something like her sleeping on the couch next to me would melt my heart like it does. :)
Life: I took Amore to the station first thing. I've enjoyed her company this weekend. She'd make an ideal lodger if she ever wanted to move to Merseyside! :) This afternoon I started on wrapping my Christmas presents. I figured, with the amount of homework I usually get at college, I should use whatever quiet moments I can to sort out Christmas stuff. Ian came to look at what needs doing to the garden. The conclusion was that he's gonna come again next week and spend a couple of hours tidying it up for the winter. Considering how much time my previous gardener spent on my garden and what she charged, I really get my money's worth with Ian! :) This evening I watched Gravity. I was never bothered to see it at the cinema - despite the rave reviews it got - but I must say it was rather good. I especially loved the soundtrack by Steven Price - I'm gonna listen to that on Spotify after I've finished this. :)
College: today I worked on my Media stuff and got quite a bit done of it. I've really enjoyed how relaxed this weekend has been - it's a shame it can't be like that every weekend!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is sorting out my Christmas presents. It was a weight off my mind! :)

Sunday, 22 November 2015

22nd November 2015

Love: tonight I'm loving the fact that, despite my body issues, I found the confidence to pose for life drawing. It may not ever happen again but I'm glad it happened tonight and I can be an old fogey and think "ar, I remember when I was younger...". :)
Life: today, other than heArt School, I have had a lazy day... well, until I went into town in search of Christmas bags and lining paper! There were just far too many people getting in my way and I was getting more and more wound up about it! I don't think I will be venturing into town at the weekend again this year unless I really really have to! Afterwards, I met up with Hillary and Amore for tea at Bakchich before we all went to heArt School for our life drawing class which was pretty amazing! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is finding the confidence to put my body confidence issues to the back of my mind for a bit and pose for life drawing. The memory of that and the whole class will be with me for a very long time! :)

Saturday, 21 November 2015

21st November 2015

Love: yesterday I had to give Mia her monthly flea treatment. She didn't half give me a filthy look afterwards! But we're friends again today and that's the main thing :)
Life: Tonight I'm wanting to press reset on my life. I would love to be able to do it all over again as the person I am now. Because I would love to do Art History (aka Contextual Studies) as my degree but I fear it is a futile dream because it's an academic course with applicants needing good A-Levels whereas I failed all my A-Levels (including Art)! Or, I imagine, at least come from an academic background and I don't have one of them either! Not to mention how much it costs - which would be the same problem for my second choice, Fine Art! Hugh Baird does neither course so, if I wanted to stay there, I would be choosing Graphic Design or Make-Up (3rd and 4th choices) as they're my two favourite lessons of the degrees Hugh Baird offers. Plus there's the fact that ACAS needs all applications in by middle of January so there really is no time to waste! And if I did go elsewhere, I would need an interview and what sort of portfolio would I be able to show them for Fine Art or Art History?!! As I say, it just makes me wish I could press the reset button! :( Anyway... today I popped into town to get some stuff for college. It was lovely to see the Christmas Market in town. Not that I'd buy any of their overpriced tatt but it does make things seem festive! :) I also bought the Christmas cake, pudding and some baklava for Christmas today. I got it for the grand total of £6.54 too! :)
College: after missing yesterday at college because of a cold, I was glad to find that no new major project has been set for the weekend. So it's just been a case of catching up. So I'm now feeling closer to surfacing again - for how long who knows! - and feel I can take this weekend relatively easy. :)
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing is having a relatively relaxed weekend. :)

Thursday, 19 November 2015

19th November 2015

Life: Amore arrived today for the weekend. It's good to have the company - especially when they clean the kitchen for me! :) This afternoon I went to my usual poetry class. I wasn't impressed today - she turned up 15 mins late, didn't get the class going until 30 mins after it should've started, then spent another 15 mins promoting a poetry evening she's doing next week! Today's lesson was also not much cop - she presented some war poems but what we were supposed to learn from them I have no idea! This is after all meant to be a creative writing course in poetry not a poetry appreciation class! If it happens again, I will complain and seek a refund! After class, I went to Cass Arts as I needed a few bits for college and they were having a 20% off day. Then with my newly purchased A1 sketch pad under my arm - and how I wished I had longer arms! - I popped into the library to return my books and order a new one as they didn't have it in. I then had to find where they've moved the bus stop to get home. Once I got home I went straight out again to do the food shopping! Then I came home, had tea, and settled down to watch Paddington on Amazon.
College: as I type I don't envisage going into college tomorrow as I have a stinking cold! I'm thoroughly pissed off about this as the whole reason I got my flu jab was so I wouldn't get ill and miss college! I really don't want to get behind! I stress enough as it is! :( This morning, I worked on my sketch pads to get them up to date... As much use to me as that may be now! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Amore cleaning my kitchen. It was probably a health hazard before and it was lovely to come home and find it all cleaned for me! :)

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

18th November 2015

Love: When I entered the kitchen this morning I discovered Mia had opened the kitchen cupboard, torn apart the packet of Dreamies and scoffed them all! I'm willing to forgive it this once but she better not make a habit of it!
College: I never seem to get on top of things at college. As soon as I complete one part, I discover there's a shit load more to do and a shit load I should've done but haven't! It's depressing the hell out of me! :( However, there was some good news in my contextual studies lesson as my teacher loves my work! :) I meant to email her tonight to see if it's one of the subjects I can specialise in because the homework she sets is the only homework I enjoy doing! (Even though her teaching is thoroughly confusing!) When I got home after college and had my tea, I started to get more stuff into my sketchbooks and by 9:30pm I decided I'd done enough for one night! How I'm gonna cope at BA (Hons) level I have no idea! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is ending the night with cuddles with Mia. It's just the tonic after a day at college! :)

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

17th November 2015

Love: as I type I have Mia sat on my lap grooming herself. It's lovely that she feels that comfortable to do that. I'm really glad she's her normal self again after being a bit groggy yesterday as the anaesthetic was wearing off - not to mention the stress of going to the vet in itself!
Life: this morning I popped to Pets At Home to get some Dentastix for Mia but, contrary to what the vet said, they don't sell them. Instead I bought some granules you sprinkle on their food to counter the build up of plaque. The sales assistant said it was their most popular seller so I'm hoping it works. After college I popped into Big Love Sista studio for Hayli's baby shower. It was a lovely occasion and I'm glad I made time out of my hectic schedule for it because Hayli is lovely and I wouldn't be the confident, outgoing, person I am today without her encouragement. :)
College: today had its good bits: getting my weekend project accepted for my portfolio, a presentation on the fine art degree at UCLAN (it looks really good but it is competitive to get on it plus it is in Preston!)... and it's bad bits: more drama from the "high maintenance" student! I try to keep out of it but I do wonder what goes through some people's heads! When I got home I spent more time designing the logo for my brand design. We're meant to have three logos for next week - so much for 1hr homework per subject per week! It's beyond ridiculous now! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Hayli's baby shower. I'm really glad I made the effort to be part of it! I have a number of people who have made a huge positive difference to my life and Hayli is definitely one of them! :)

Monday, 16 November 2015

16th November 2015

Love: having Mia at the vets all day brought home to me how much I'm used to having her around. Goodness only knows what I'll do when the time comes that she's not! Hopefully, that won't happen for ten years or so!
Life: other than Mia and my college work, the only other thing I've done today is watch Netflix. I was glad to discover they have the first five series of Still Game on there, so I can catch up on episodes I missed. :)
College: with Mia at the vets, I was able to crack on with my college work. I spent all day painting my fashion illustrations. Then this evening I printed out stuff I need for my contextual studies lesson, my poems for Thursday and finished off my picture of sweets.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is having Mia home safe and sound. She means the world to me! <3

Sunday, 15 November 2015

15th November 2015

Love: I'm in the dog house! I accidentally shut Mia in the shed! Silly cat must've snuck in behind me when I wasn't looking! :(
Life: The workman came back yesterday morning to fix my shower screen he fitted. He found that there was a manufacturer error with it and replaced it for me. It now works perfectly! He also rang this morning to check I was still happy with it. I've had a number of workmen working on my house now and he's the first to impress me with the after-service. Usually I never hear from them again once I've paid them! Yesterday I also went to the Southport rock night with Jayne. She treated me to tea and the rock night ticket, which was lovely of her! :) it was a good night too - despite the crap sound system! And they even put a bit of effort into Midnight Madness after the previous few felt like they were just going through the motions. :) they also had a minutes silence for the victims in Paris. I bet not many discos would stop for a minutes silence! Today I have been finishing off my A1 picture of sweets. It's a huge collage but I'm really not happy with the end result. I showed it to Nikki though and she was very impressed with it, so maybe I'm just being overcritical. However, there wasn't such good news from Patricia - she's in hospital with pyelonephritis! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Nikki saying she liked my picture. I was really despondent with what I'd done but Nikki has given me some hope I haven't just wasted my weekend!

Friday, 13 November 2015

13th November 2015.

Love: yay! I ended this evening with really lovely cuddles with Mia! So delightful! :)
Life: this evening I picked up my Progynova prescription from the pharmacy and some gaffa and sellotape from B&Q. I then watched BBC iPlayer as the weather howled outside. It's so cold in my bedroom that I'm sleeping in 2 layers tonight!
College: today was another friday when we didn't have our makeup lesson. It's annoying because makeup was what I thought I might specialise in next year and I just wanna get on and see how interested I really am in it! :( In fashion we started designing stuff. I quite enjoyed it. I'm interested to know whether we'd be required to actually make stuff if I specialised in it next year - I presume you would but I haven't the first clue how to make clothes! I even struggle to sew on a button without them coming off a week later! We ended the college day with photography and were given a brief rundown on how a camera works. I have no real interest in the subject though and have already ruled it out for next year. Our weekend homework is to do an A1 mixed media picture of sweets. I have a whacky idea for it but am worried it's not really professional. I don't wanna turn up on Tuesday and be told to do it all again! But, on the other hand, I do wanna express myself on this course! So it's a bit of a dolemma!
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today is cuddles with Mia. Her affectionate nature really does make life worth living! :)

Thursday, 12 November 2015

12th November 2015

Love: it occurred to me this evening that John isn't hogging my thoughts as much as he used to. I still miss him of course - and this realisation did come to me whilst I was writing a poem about his death - but I suppose I'm glad of the distraction college is providing from my morbid thoughts.
Life: today I had a lie-in so didn't do the food shopping until this evening. In between times I went to my weekly poetry class.
College: we learned about sonnets today at my weekly poetry class. It was interesting to learn that they come in all shapes and sizes and aren't just something Shakespeare did. The only rule that seems to apply to all of them is that they have to be 14 lines long with the last stanza being 2 of them. That gives an awful lot of leeway with them! Fascinated, I set myself the challenge of writing one, never imagining it'd be as easy as its proved! I wrote 2 and a half sonnets tonight in just a few hours! I guess I'll pick just the strongest to present next week though. Don't want to completely over-swamp her!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is time with Mia. I'm so glad we're on talking terms and she's showing some affection to me again. How long it will last, considering I'm meant to be having another attempt at taking her to the vet on Monday, I can't say but I'll enjoy it whilst it does! :)

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

11th November 2015

Love: Mia and I seem to be on speaking terms again this evening. She was certainly enthusiastic to greet me when I got home from college, hopping over my A1 portfolio! I think it was probably the sardines I gave her for breakfast that did it! :)
College: This morning I arrived at my first class and was promptly instructed to see my tutor! As it turned out, it was because I'd had my design chosen as one of the final ones for the college Christmas card. I'm up against my friend, Patricia, so I don't really mind who wins (and I'm not just saying that because I think her design's better than mine. Honest!) I'd rather have not missed two of my lessons doing the card this morning though! Missing lessons does my anxiety no good whatsoever! :( After lunch we had contextual studies and we have to do more research before next class. I've done 3hrs tonight and feel like I'm only just skimming the surface of what I want! :( We finished the day with media and Patricia came up with some great ideas again! I can't wait to get filming it! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Mia and I being friends again. I don't know what I'd do without her! I hated us falling out! :(

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

10th November 2015

Love: Mia and I still aren't on speaking terms. She just comes to me for food and then keeps to herself. Maybe it will pass, I don't know. All I was trying to do was look after her health but how do you communicate that to a cat? :(
Life: This morning I had myself a lie in. Then I went to Liverpool library, wrote a poem and then went to see The Beatles Story on the docks. I got myself almost £5 off in student discount and the ticket is valid till Thursday so I might take myself to see the 4D experience if I get myself organised in time. The exhibition was pretty good - I particularly liked how they'd reconstructed things from Beatles history (eg the yellow submarine) to form a basis for the exhibits. It was quite imaginative in parts! :) after that, I came home and fed myself and Mia before writing another poem. So that's two to present to my teacher on Thursday now! :)
College: no college today as the tutors were on strike... but my anxiety is saying it was all a mistake and I will get bollocked tomorrow for not going in today! :(
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today was having a lie in. It was lovely! :)

Monday, 9 November 2015

9th November 2015

Life: this morning didn't start great. Mia woke me up at 5am and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. Then, at 8:00am, I was meant to take her to the vet for dental treatment but I just couldn't get her in her carrier! So we both ended up stressed and she was hissing at me and I ended up rescheduling the appointment. For the rest of the day, she's kept her distance. So I'm rather hoping all will be forgotten tomorrow. :( The afternoon was spent watching movies on Netflix and Amazon and tidying up my paperwork, ready for shredding a load of it.
College: I popped into college mid-morning to print off a load of stuff. I then came home again and sorted out my folders and sketchbooks. So I'm now up to date as I can be and can relax tomorrow when the tutors go on strike!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is getting up to date with college work. For the first time in almost two months I feel I can really relax - apart from my continual anxiety - even if it is for only one day!

Sunday, 8 November 2015

8th November 2015

Love: yesterday I joined Wapa. I don't expect to hear anything more from it as I made it deliberately off-putting to weed out time wasters.
Life: Yesterday I met up with Sonia, Pauline, Jayne and Sarah. It was the first time the 'old gang' had met up for ages! I should really have taken a photo - especially as one of my assignments this weekend was to photograph my weekend! Afterwards, I visited the Reality (boring) and Transformation (not much better) exhibitions at the Walker Gallery. The Transformation exhibition was a collection of dresses owned by a transvestite and it did please me to see some of them labelled as "man's dress". :) Today I have done the laundry and watched Amazon whilst doing my homework. I also watched Doctor Who over breakfast. It contained one of the best speeches about war I've ever seen in a drama. Rather poignant for Remembrance Sunday, I thought. Speaking of which, I changed my Facebook avatar to a football today to represent the time the soldiers played football instead of killing each other. I don't expect anyone picked up on that though!
College: this weekend I have leisurely attacked my homework. I'm glad of the extra day off (due to strikes) as its giving me time to really get on top of things whilst also having a little bit of a social life! No doubt we'll be expected to make up time next week though! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing this weekend is meeting up with the 'old gang' yesterday. It was a lovely couple of hours! :)

Friday, 6 November 2015

6th November 2015

Love: the morning started with cuddles with Mia. She's such a darling (most of the time!)! I love her to death! :)
Life: this evening I have worked on 4 canvases. I find working on several at once stops you getting bogged down and creating just for the sake of creating! I love them all in their own way - especially the face I started on Saturday! You'd never guess it was a landscape to start with! :)
College: most of today was working on our Christmas card designs because the Dean wanted to see them. We even missed make-up for it which disappointed me personally but no one else seemed bothered. Sometimes you just have to go with the majority decision. The college day ended with photography. I'm working with Patricia on our project and she had an inspired idea for our storyline! I can't wait to get storyboarding it! :) When I got home from college, I did my mood board for the project and also my Fashion homework and brand design homework. I really enjoyed looking at fashion illustration! It really opened my eyes to something I thought was passé. There's a wealth of creativity in it! :)
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today was working on my canvases. It was a lovely way to end the evening! :)

Thursday, 5 November 2015

5th November 2015

Love: my poetry teacher loved my poem I handed her last week. In fact, she said it was better than a published poet we looked at last week! That was really quite something! :)
Life: this morning I took my letter stating I'm a student to the One Stop Shop to get my council tax exemption sorted out. It was an easy process and, even better, they said the council owe me money! :) After that, I did the food shop and came home for a quick lunch before going to poetry class. After that, I came home and have had BBC iPlayer on whilst I did some homework. This evening was fireworks night of course. Fortunately, Mia doesn't seem bothered with all the loud bangs. Which is just as well, because they're still going off even now as I type! I'd ban the public sale of them if I could! I bet A&E as well as pet owners would thoroughly welcome such a move!
College: this evening I tackled my Studies homework. We were to design an item of clothing that had a social theme. I designed a pair of trousers covered in insults. I've called them Reclaim Trousers.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the high praise lavished on my poem. It gives me hope I could one day be a published poet! :)

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

4th November 2015

Love: not much love shown today. Not even Mia came for cuddles. :(
Life: I got home from college to find the upstairs toilet stuck on flush! I presume the workman must've used it and not found how to make it stop! Fuck knows how much water that'll have cost me! :( However, the work he done seems professional enough. So I'm happy enough with that even though he wants to come again tomorrow to finish off. (But, then again,I guess that's a sign of him wanting to do a good job and not just cutting and run!). This evening has also been another where I've not done any homework. I just couldn't be arsed with it tonight! :(
College: Sometimes it seems I take one step forward and two back! So by lunchtime my head was fucked! Then there were several massive barnies in the studies lesson all focusing around the one person! I guess when you have groups of people they're not always gonna get on but in all my days, I've never known anything like it! Not even in the high pressure environment of GMWN - and our boss could really tear strips off people! It was just plain nasty! So the less of that kind of thing that goes on the better imho!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the professionalism of the workman (toilet aside). It's nice to see someone take pride in their work and see that a good job's done. Some people could learn a thing or two from him!

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

3rd November 2015

Love: Lovely to end the evening with cuddles with Mia again. She's a sweet natured creature at heart really. Love her! <3
Life: I decided to grab the opportunity to go to Big Love Sista choir this evening. I probably shan't be able to go again before Christmas so it was all the more special for it. I really miss it! :( I also picked up my canvas I started on Saturday whilst I was there. It's interesting. Having another look at it tonight, I've completely changed my mind what I'm gonna do with it now! :)
College: I woke up this morning dreading returning to college. I had to ask myself why the fuck I'm putting myself through this! I have to say though that college does usually answer that question. It's pushing me to produce work - some of it the best I've ever done! I just don't like being pushed! Anyway, today was a good day cos I had 4 pieces taken off me for my portfolio. :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is getting my work accepted for my portfolio. It was reward for all the hard work I've put into this!

Monday, 2 November 2015

2nd November 2015

Love: it was lovely to catch up with my friend, Julie, today. I've not seen her in ages! Far too long in fact! :(
Life: this morning I went to see Inside Out at the cinema. I'd been wanting to watch it for ages but, being a kids film, I was put off by the prospect of being surrounded by loads of screaming kids! However, I figured today being a school day there probably wouldn't be that many there. Plus, as it was released in the summer, it was on offer at £3. So it seemed the ideal time to see it. It was an awesome film! I really enjoyed it! However, it also made me cry buckets plus gave me a revelation about memories: I have trouble remembering my life with John. This is hindered by them being sad memories which I shove back in hope of happy ones. Well, a part of Inside Out is about happy memories turning to sad. So I had a revelation that has probably happened to me too and, instead of holding back the sad memories, I should just allow them to come whether they're happy or sad! At least that way I hopefully get to remember our life together! After the cinema, I went and caught up with Julie. After that I came home and spent the afternoon painting 3 abstract canvases. Then I fed myself and Mia before wrapping some Christmas pressies because, the way college is, I figure this might be the only opportunity to do so before Christmas! I finished the evening by watching The Immitation Game on Amazon.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is catching up with Julie. I'm glad I have the luxury of friends in my life - I didn't always! - and it's lovely to have ones as lovely as Julie! :)

Sunday, 1 November 2015

1st November 2015

Love: lots of cuddles from Mia today. :)
Life: today I done the laundry, wrote a poem, fed myself and Mia, did my monthly accounts, Henryd and watched iPlayer and Netflix.
College: today I did my ID board.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is sorting out my accounts. After the scare with TalkTalk it was reassuring to see I hadn't had all my money nicked and, discounting college fees, actually broke even this month!