Monday, 30 November 2015

30th November 2015

Life: When I blogged the other day that I wasn't depressed anymore, I spoke too soon. I guess that is the nature of depression - it can strike anytime. You can feel like you're past it and then, all of a sudden, you're right back in it again. That is me tonight. Tonight I watched Fantabulosa! - the biopic about Kenneth Williams. He was a privately tragic man and I'm afraid tonight his final words in his diary, "Oh, what's the bloody point!" chimed with me. However, unlike May 2013, tonight I have an answer: I have a whole load of Christmas presents to deliver and a cat who relies on me. That said, tomorrow is December - the month of my birthday - and ever since John died I've dreaded getting older as it makes obvious the fact I'm moving further away (in time) from John. Today I've been particularly haunted by his face on his deathbed. How I would like things to be different!
Love: yes, so, as said, Mia has been my saviour again tonight. How I love her! She's been through enough in her life already without being abandoned again!
College: so it's been decided for me that I'm doing graphics and I was warming to the idea but today I thought that is not what I want to spend my future doing! Graphic design bored me rigid! I want to spend my days doing art! I may not be the world's greatest artist - there may be no career in it for me - but it's what gives me the most satisfaction! That is why I was looking at Contextual Studies - because it gives me the most freedom to be expressive and experimental (unbelievably, a fine art degree pushes you to be mindful of the market... zzzz! Fuck the market! I don't want to be a slave to popular opinion!) But CS is also an academic subject and I'm not an academic! So I think what's the fucking point! What freedom to be expressive and experimental is a degree going to give me?!! Just what is the fucking point! But I'll be at college tomorrow on time and dutiful like a good little girl no doubt. Fucking coward that I am!
One Thing: The one thing that has made today worthwhile is having Mia to keep me going until tomorrow when, hopefully, I'll be in a better place.