Monday, 31 August 2015

31st August 2015

Love: I think tonight must be date night for Mia. She spent a good 15 minutes cleaning herself - behind her ears, her face, everything! It was quite fascinating to watch! And then she promptly went out! :D
Life: I took Amore to the station this morning. The plan was to then go on to Sefton Park for the Liverpool International Music Festival but, as the first act I wanted to see wasn't until 5:50pm and my finances were pressing me to sort them out, I came home. After lunch I did my finances and saw the full horror. It's just as well the rest of the year should be relatively quiet now - well, apart from the Mermaid retreat, my birthday and Christmas anyway! - because I can't afford to spend money like that any more! After tea I finished off the mini canvas I started at heArt School yesterday. It's called "Seek And You Shall Find" ...And I didn't go to LIMF.
One Thing: I think the one thing that has made today worth living is listening to my body and not going to LIMF. I'd been waiting months to see Rae Morris, Laura Mvula and Echo And The Bunnymen but I was just too tired and instead of pushing myself to go, I realised it was better to rest at home instead of go to a concert I'd be too tired to enjoy, get fed up and come home upset from. I'm glad I'm not giving myself a hard time about this too. It's a sign, I think, I'm realising the importance of rest.

Sunday, 30 August 2015

30th August 2015

Love: I find myself becoming a lot more relaxed about finding myself a partner these days. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be but I like my life enough, I think, that I don't feel any great need to change it. :)
Life: Today was my first lesson at heArt School. Today's class was entitled Viva la Vulva and we were to paint a giant painting of our vulvas. We were invited to be irreverent but, even so, when I saw what today's class was about a few months back it filled me with dread! How was I supposed to paint something I'd never had a relationship with or even knew what one looked like?!! So I did some of the research recommended by Clare (our teacher) and discovered The Vagina Monologues which just blew me away! I was totally inspired and wrote my own Vagina Monologue! So before I turned up at class today, I had the concept of my vagina breaking out of a prison. However, as things turned out, it became a lot more abstract than that. It was great to just go with it and not get too bogged down with what it should be. However, I still have some work to do to ditch my original vision and work with what I have. It'll take time but I'm quite confident that I'll get there. :) Once Amore and I got home, we had tea and watched Open Doors on Netflix. Then I came to bed.
One Thing: The one thing that made today a day worth living was being in the moment with my painting. I think life feels a lot more liberating when you can ditch past and future and just be in the present. :)

Saturday, 29 August 2015

29th August 2015

Love: I was cooked the loveliest salmon this evening by Amore. It was delicious and it was also fab to use my dining table for what it was designed for! :)
Life: today Amore and I had a jolly good wander around Liverpool! We must've done a fair few miles! I was also shown Abakhan - a materials emporium - which I shall definitely be returning to! :) then we wandered over to the library and I showed Amore the Picton reading room and the view from the roof terrace before we wandered over to the docks and had a look at the maritime museum with its exhibits of the Titanic, merchant shipping and gay life. It was fascinating reading that life aboard the ships - in particular the merchant ships - was like a Mecca for gay men. I don't have any memories of my grandad Smith - who was in the merchant navy - but it's quite amusing to think he would've been surrounded by such ott gay life! I do remember my grandma Smith though and I'm certain she wouldn't have approved! Lol! After the museum we hoped to see a folk concert but it was sold out. So we came home to the salmon supper Amore cooked me and watched Lady Jane - about 'Queen' Jane Seymore - on Netflix.
One Thing: In case you hadn't already guessed the one thing that made today a day worth living was my fish supper. It was just such a lovely treat! I thoroughly enjoyed it! :)

Friday, 28 August 2015

28th August 2015

Love: Mia does make me laugh! She is such a joy to be with! :)
Life: Amore has arrived for the latest heArt School class this weekend. Deciding we couldn't afford to eat out each night, we went food shopping. Then, in the afternoon, we had a wander around Birkenhead Park. I wanted to see the elf village as I was impressed with the fairy village at Vale Park but the elf village was already looking rather unloved and wasn't anywhere near as impressive as the fairy village. I was then treated to tea and cookie at the visitor centre in the sunshine (has summer finally arrived? Looking at the forecast for the rest of the weekend, I doubt it!). Then we came home and watched 12 Angry Men, had pizza and watched Mermaids. Rather lovely day in all. :)
One Thing: the one thing that has made today a day worth living is sharing my life with someone. I forget how good it is to do that. Today was a pleasant reminder of what I've been missing.

Thursday, 27 August 2015

27th August 2015

Love: once upon a time there was a man who was gentle, kind and loving who encouraged and inspired me and every night I would fall asleep by his side and I would feel safe and everything was OK in my world and, even if it wasn't, it soon would be with his help. Now he's gone and I no longer have that luxury. ;(
Life: Today I have started making my Christmas presents, watched a load of iPlayer and Netflix, cuddled and played with Mia, and art journaled. Not bad for a day's work I say! :)
One Thing: if you took everything else away today, the one thing that made life worth living today was watching To Kill A Mockingbird again. It was a film I watched at school because we studied the book for our GCSEs. Surprisingly, I'd never bothered to watch it since! It's a classic movie for a good reason! Even now, 50 years later (80 since the period it's set in) the content still rings true. It's shameful really how little we've moved on since that time! We all need to be doing a whole lot better!

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

26th August 2015

Love: Today I have been loving the noises Mia makes: The loudness of her purr when I'm stroking her, the call and response we can keep going for minutes on end, and, just before I came to bed, the joyful meow she made as I put some Dreamies out for her. She's an amazing creature and I love her to death! :)
Life: This afternoon I have got up to date with all the BBC programs I wanted to watch on iPlayer, surfed Facebook and listened to Part 1 of Elloa Atkinskon's Wide Open Way Masterclass which I found really powerful and thoroughly recommend.
Career: today I was back at work Facebooking and Tweeting. I also had a look at an apprenticeship opportunity for a media assistant with the Roy Castle Foundation and, once I convinced myself a 42 year old could still be an apprentice, I looked at the application form, got overwhelmed and gave up. :( So I'm still clearly not in a good place on that score.
One Thing: Instead of intruding on the copyright of Kate Bornstein's book, Hello Cruel World, and expecting myself to carry that book with me wherever I go, I'm just gonna say buy her book! ...and change tact slightly and recount the one thing that, if you took everything else away, made the day worth living. Today it's listening to Part 1 of The Wide Open Way Masterclass. It really was powerful! So what about you? What's the one thing that made today worth living for you? It doesn't have to be something lovey dovey - it can be anything! It might even be something along the lines of "if I achieved nothing else today, at least I told that Claire what a stupid bitch she is!". :)

Sunday, 23 August 2015

23rd August 2015

Love: I've had a lovely weekend in North Wales with my friend Leesa and her pets. The dog, Basil, is a large and heavy dog but such a softy! I quite adore him! The cat, on the other hand, wanted to share my bed and wasn't best pleased that I shooed her away. And then I came home to my cat, Mia, who as I type is scratching at my bedroom door wanting to come in! What is it with cats wanting to steal my bed?!! :)
Life: I arrived at Leesa's house at the foothills of Snowdonia on Friday afternoon. As I said I wanted to see the fabulous scenery, we took Basil for a walk along a lake and the view was just stunning - despite the mist and rain! When we got back, Leesa cooked a ham in ginger which was just delicious! Leesa is an amazing cook and I felt quite spoiled! :) On Saturday we took Basil for a quick walk up the hill behind Leesa's house to get the vantage point of the view from the top. Again, the view was just jaw dropping! I've felt like Snowdonia was my spiritual home - despite me being Cornish - for quite some time and this just confirmed it for me! :) Then we went for a drive around Anglesea and visited the place with the really long name, Beaumaris (which has a fabulous ice cream shop :) ) and Red Wharf Bay. Again the views were quite spectacular! :) Then, for tea, Leesa cooked the scrummiest pasta with muscles! As I said, I was quite spoilt this weekend! :) Today, we headed for the beach at Llanfairfechan and Basil quite enjoyed himself running around on the beach before we got soaked by a very brief but heavy shower. We then headed to Penmaenmawr and had dinner at an inn there. I had the roast pork which was just delicious! I really have been spoilt for food this weekend! :) Then it was sadly time for me to head home. But I have thoroughly enjoyed myself this weekend! Thanks to Leesa and Basil and the cat for putting up with me. It was quite magical! :)
Suicidal: My friend Helen died last week. After the weeks of deaths of friends and friends of friends, this was 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. So I found myself talking myself into not committing suicide - a state of affairs I thought I'd been fortunate enough to put behind me. It wasn't so. So tonight's something to do other than commit suicide doesn't come from Kate Bornstein's book, Hello Cruel World, but is a lot more personal - "get drunk". People might tell you getting drunk doesn't solve anything! They're wrong! Getting drunk solved the problem of me staying alive Thursday night! Sure, the underlying problem of not being able to cope with loads of deaths in a short space of time still exists but at least I'm still alive to do so! Getting drunk Thursday night made that possible!

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

19th August 2015

Love: Only 4 months now until my birthday. That's only 4 months to show how much you love me by buying me something really really expensive! And, trust me, I do judge how much you love me by how much you spent on me! So make it a really really REALLY expensive present won't you!
Life: This afternoon I learned my good friend, Helen, from InTrust has a massive blood clot on her brain and is unlikely to pull through. :( For whatever reason there seems to be a lot of good people - friends, and friends of friends - dying all very close to each other at the moment. It's really wearing me quite thin so this afternoon I art journaled about it. Art journaling has been very helpful to me in giving me a release for emotional stuff I find hard to handle. I really am very lucky to have it in my life. I am also very lucky to have Mia in my life but tonight I think she must be having a night on the town or something! No doubt she'll retun home in the early hours stinking of booze and making a racket! I hate it when she does that! It's very inconsiderate to those of us who don't have to work in the morning!
Career: Today was more of the same. But I enjoy it and that's the main thing. :)
Suicidal: tonight's selection from Kate Bornstein's book, Hello Cruel World, of something to do other than commit suicide is: "Practice, practice, practice". Do stuff until you're good at it. Do stuff you're good at doing until you're better at it. Notice the difference between the way you tackle stuff you're crap at and the stuff you're good at and the stuff you're better at. Try to tackle at least one new thing like you're a pro at it every day until you're a pro at it! Then take it all to the next level - aim for perfection!

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

18th August 2015

Love: Today I have indulged in some self-love. I am a firm believer that, if you can't love yourself, then it's wrong to expect anyone else to.
Life: my self-love involved a massage, choir and two doses of coffee and cake! All of them were fabulous and made me feel GOOOOD!! :) I also got rung by my GIC today and now finally have a date for my next appointment! January!
Career: my first dose of coffee and cake came courtesy of my work colleague. How many jobs treat you to coffee and cake?!! I mean, honestly, how lucky am I?!! Otherwise, work involved tweeting and Facebooking as usual. :)
Suicidal: today's selection from Kate Bornstein's book, Hello Cruel World, of something to do other than committing suicide is: "trash your preference files and reboot". Note your daily habits that you do without really thinking about them. Write a list of your top ten things you think about without really meaning to. Then 'detox' - go cold turkey on all distractions (eg telly, radio, Internet, phone, etc) for 3 days. Form new habits and new things to think about. Become aware of these new habits and thoughts. Then carry on doing the new stuff or 'reinstall' the old stuff as you see fit.

Monday, 17 August 2015

17th August 2015

Love: Today is black cat appreciation day. Apparently, black cats are always the ones left behind at shelters. People think this is because of superstition. I think it's also to do with racism. When you're brought up in a culture that dictates that black = bad, it's pretty hard to shake it off - even when it applies to cats! As all those that know her, my cat, Mia, is black and white. So I've only half appreciated her today. The other half will have to wait until white cat appreciation day. When is white cat appreciation day??
Life: After I got home from work, I had the cold left over pizza for my dinner, surfed Facebook and watched some stuff on BBC iPlayer. Then I decided today would be the day I'd start my autobiography. I've decided to do it as a series of essays and the one I wrote today was on labels.
Career: today did not start well. As part of my job, I was due to have smoking cessation training at the health centre just up the road from me. When I got there, though, no one knew the first thing about it and I got rather worked up about being sent to the wrong place. So I sodded it off and went to work instead. When I got to work, however, I discovered an email sent on Friday (I don't work Fridays) 'confirming' it for a completely different place than they stated in the first email! I was/am not best pleased! The rest of my time at work this morning was spent posting on Facebook and Twitter. I like this job and think it could only get better if they paid me for it! :)
Suicidal: Today's suggestion from Kate Bornstein's book, Hello Cruel World, for something to do other than commit suicide is: "Just Say No". Refuse to do the expected - especially when the expected doesn't fit your needs. If someone hits you and expects you to hide away in fear, say "no. I will not hide away in fear". If someone expects you to put them before yourself, say "no. I'm putting myself first because that's what is called self-love". If you can't say no, just say nothing and do as you please. Or maybe get a big strong person to say no for you?? Life's too short to be saying yes to everything and the stress of trying will kill you. So say no to at least 99% of it. That way 99% of your life will be left for doing things that aren't stressful. You know it makes sense!

Sunday, 16 August 2015

16th August 2015

Love: today I showed my house some love by cleaning it. Usually it takes about 30 mins to whip Henry around but today it took 2 hours to vacuum, change the throws, tidy up and clean! I feel much more relaxed now. :)
Life: Other than the cleaning and making a chilli, today has been another lazy day of watching Netflix. I tried reading two of my books but my mind just wasn't in it, so I went back to the Netflix. I also discovered a website that has loads of classic old movies now out of copyright and a load more on YouTube. They don't make movies like those any more! (And some people might think that a good thing!)
Suicidal: today's selection from Kate Bornstein's Hello Cruel World of something to do instead of committing suicide is, "Finish your homework first". Keep on learning. Choose your subject and learn something new about it. Make it interesting! Go to college or join a club/society. Do it online through a distance learning organisation (eg The Open University). Watch telly or a film - but something educational not Eastenders! Go to the library. There's an infinite variety of information out there and, if you're reading this, then you have the Internet - go surf the international information super highway!

Saturday, 15 August 2015

15th August 2015

Love: I love Liverpool. Today a Neo-Nazi 'White Man March' was due to take place in the city centre with the aim of intimidating the city and 'teach it a lesson' for its 'left-leaning ways'. The march was allowed under 'freedom of speech' legislation and so the mayor was powerless to stop it. So the city's population took the matter into their own hands and confronted the Neo-Nazis, forcing them to hide in a lost property office at Lime Street station. Faced with this opposition, they then cancelled their march. I'm so proud of that city the other side of the river tonight! Whilst I stayed away for fear of my safety, hundreds of others rightly told the racists where to go! Credit also has to go to the police who, judging from the video I've seen, had a very hard time of it today policing a lot of very angry people! It's a credit to them that today's events didn't boil over into something much more serious!
Life: today has been quite a lazy day after getting to bed in the early hours after celebrating Pauline's birthday yesterday. Considering she claims to be only 21, she's not aged at all well! Anyway, I've spent most of the day watching Netflix and completing my 'shiney shrine', I started a couple months back. I also watched Birdman for the first time since seeing it at the cinema earlier in the year. It's a really class film - imaginative and daring. I love it to pieces and it's my favourite film next to One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Talking of people/animals that think they're birds, Mia has been on the cuddly side today which I have very much enjoyed but she must've been suffering from waiting up for me last night as she took herself off to bed at 7:30pm!
Suicidal: tonight's suggestion from Kate Bornstein's book, Hello Cruel World, of what to do instead of killing yourself is 'Treat Yourself Like An Honoured Guest'. Be nice to yourself. Make yourself a delicious meal. Make sure you're comfortable and well looked after. Be polite and don't be rude or say unkind things to yourself.

Thursday, 13 August 2015

13th August 2015

Love: yesterday I discovered another trigger for my grief - The Faces. This adds to All You Need Is Love and Be My Baby. Love Is All You Need is a trigger because I created a page in my journal called The Love Songs Were Wrong incorporating lyrics of The Beatles's song. Be My Baby was the first song I heard the first morning after the night before I shared with John and so, in many ways, it became 'our song' (even though he infinitely preferred Classical music). And now I find The Faces are a trigger because I was listening to them a lot during our last holiday to Devon to see my parents, which I remember John saying is when he first suspected something serious was up - although I didn't really realise until our holiday in Dundee later that year. It's odd how music can take you back years ago and make it seem like it was only yesterday. Such is the power of music I guess!
Life: Today I had my blood test. It was over in a flash. It's odd to think I used to dread these! Now it's just a matter of course - a sharp pin prick and it's over. Really no big deal at all! In the afternoon I did some art journaling encapsulating yesterday's Circle training and then watched a load of Netflix and washed my pillows. Then, an hour ago, I hunted down my journals to start my autobiography but I flicked open to a page I wrote 16 days after John died. It was quite a shock to see how desperate I felt back then! I'm glad I didn't rule out life though. To think I could've missed out on the last 12 months with Big Love Sista!! Unfortunately, I got distracted by my journal though. So autobiography will have to wait until another day.
Suicidal: Please buy Kate Bornstein's book, Hello Cruel World, from which this thing to do other than committing suicide is taken: "Kill some time instead". Take a nap. Have a rest. Practice mindfulness or meditate. Sunbathe (wear a coat if it's raining). Chill out.

12th August 2015

Written the day after...
Love: I love being in the countryside. Being one with nature, as it were, always invigorates me. I think my dream job involves working with nature someway... says the person who always preferred to stay indoors as a child!
Life: today was another day of Circle training but today we were outside in some woods next to a lake with Knowsley Safari Park the other side of it. It was a truly magical space and the weather was just gorgeous! Although I dug deep into my emotions and thinking and was pushed outside my comfort zone a couple of times, I loved every minute of it! :)
Career: An opportunity has arisen which may be the start of something quite special. :)
Suicidal: today's selection of something to do instead of committing suicide, from Kate Bornstein's Hello Cruel World, is: "take a deep breath and touch yourself". Breathe. Breathe deep. Notice your breath. Touch your body - anywhere! Notice the sensation. Does it feel different to touch your nose than to touch your toes? Combine touch and breathing. Masturbate. How does life feel when you're having an orgasm?

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

11th August 2015

Love: I am grateful for my Sistas love. It has made the world of difference to me this past year and a bit! Even now, when life is considerably better, I truly appreciate the freely offered and generous amounts of love that comes my way. I wish everybody were able to experience that but, sadly, I know they do not. Perhaps, to address the balance, we could all open our hearts a little bit and offer love freely and generously? Wouldn't that make this world a little less cruel? I think so.
Life: today I have been tired and emotional. Tired because I've been awake since 3:30am and emotional because a lot of good people - friends of friends - seem to be dying at the minute. This world is incredibly cruel and I don't blame people for giving up but I want them more than anything to know that happiness is worth going through hell for! Today I also attended a day of Circle training. I learned loads and I hope I will retain most of it, despite my tiredness! I ended the day with my weekly dose of choir practice. I'm glad I went because it really lifted my mood - if even for just a little while. I love it week after week! :)
Career: I don't know.
Suicide: from here on in, unless Kate Bornstein says otherwise, I'm going to be sharing one of the 101 things Kate says in her book, Hello Cruel World, you should do instead of commuting suicide. Today it's 'Keep Moving'. Move about. Do an activity. Make yourself a moving target. Don't let the grass grow under your feet. Go down the shops and buy Kate's book.

Monday, 10 August 2015

10th August 2015

Love: That's it. I've given it one last shot and put my cards on the table. I now leave it in the universe's capable hands. If this fails, I truly have to move on.
Life: This afternoon I went for a drive. I went nowhere in particular and no more than 20 miles away from Liverpool but I was still out for almost 5 hours! Largely because it took almost 2 hours to get from the edge of Liverpool back home! I hope the traffic is considerably better than that the next two days I'm in Knowsley! When I got in, I made a quick chicken domburi and have used the leftover rice to make some veg sushi for tomorrow's tea. :)
Career: as I'm Circle training the next two days, today was my only day at work. It was a pleasure as always - I do work with a fabulous bunch of people! :) And I have scheduled the rest of the week's updates to post in my absence.

Sunday, 9 August 2015

9th August 2015

Love: today I had to tell an old friend of John's that John had died. I guess this is something I will have to get used to - telling people who pop out from the woodwork news they should've learned 2 years ago! :(
Life: Today has been a very lazy day! I didn't even get out of bed until 9:30am! And I did my best to feel guilty about it, having my mum's voice in my head (why is it always my mum's voice that tells me off!) calling me a "lazy bones" and that I was "wasting the day away"! It's damn odd, telling myself off for resting! Is having a rest really wasting my time?!! Surely one needs to rest once in a while or you'll simply burn out! Anyway, once I had my shower, I had two breakfasts and watched some 'telly'. Then I did some art journaling and watched some more 'telly' before having tea. Then I watched even more 'telly' before heading to bed less than 12 hours after I'd got up!
Career: Today was another day I didn't write my autobiography. It's not going to write itself but, at the moment, I have 'blank page syndrome'. That'll have to change sooner or later - preferably before I die or get Alzheimer's!

Saturday, 8 August 2015

8th August 2015

Love: The weather doesn't half make a difference to one's mood! Today has been gloriously sunny! Such a contrast to last weekend! It was a pleasure to get the shades out for a change! I absolutely loved it! :)
Life: Today Big Love Sista were at the Pier Head, Liverpool for the Liverpool Loves festival! We held a circle this morning, promoting what we do and then, this afternoon, we held a choir workshop and absolutely packed out the huge tent we were in! It was awesome to see so many people there! :) In between times, Julie and I did the Transgender Family Support Group. I really enjoyed Julie's company today (not only cos she lent me the money for a pot of carrot chutney from a food stall at the festival!). We were both in really good spirits! It was fabulous! :) It was also fab to meet up with other members of BLS: Clare, Patricia, Helen and Michelle (who I hadn't seen for ages!) and, of course, our choir mistress, Hayli. Such a great day! :)

Friday, 7 August 2015

7th August 2015

Love: This morning I had a revelation: If you'd asked me in the past what my one wish was, I would've responded "to have John back, alive and well". That is no longer the case. I think it is safe to say I have 'moved on'. My one wish now would be the somewhat less original (and less selfish), "to eradicate poverty".
Life: today has been a day of going out as soon as I've got in! I started off with a short bicycle ride which encapsulated a trip to the bicycle shop for my free service (which it didn't really need but, hey, it was free!), a trip to the library to return my books and a trip to the pharmacy to pick up my drugs... except they didn't have them because the repeat prescription had been rejected because they were waiting for my blood test results... my blood test is on Thursday! And it wouldn't be much point fucking doing it if I wasn't on my fucking hormones! So I returned home, got in the car and drove to the surgery to have it out with them! They said the on duty doctor wasn't available and to phone at 4pm. So I came home again before going out again to Birkenhead to have a late lunch and pick up some paint and a large canvas for heArt School later in the month... except the only canvas I could find the right size was reduced because it'd all got damaged! So I came home again and did some weeding... before going out again to have it out with them again at the surgery for 4pm. When I got there they said it had all been processed and the prescription sent to the pharmacy. So I phoned the pharmacy there and then to be sure and, yep, they'd received the prescription. But I have to allow three days for it to be done so I shan't get it until next week now! So I came home... before going out again, once the rush hour traffic had died down, to HobbyCraft at Aintree to get a big canvas. It says something that I'd rather drive all the way out to Aintree rather than pay the car parking prices in Liverpool city centre! Anyway, I got my canvas. So then I came home again, had tea and watched World's End (the Simon Pegg film) on Netflix.
Career: what career?

Thursday, 6 August 2015

6th August 2015

Love: after not writing anything for ages, this morning I managed to write perhaps one of the best pieces I have ever written. It is always troubling when your muse takes a vacation as you don't know when or even if it will come back! The piece I wrote is called My Vagina Monologue and it was inspired by watching The Vagina Monologues yesterday.
Life: After a year of it sitting in the shed, I finally got my awning attached to my house today! It looks fab and has cleared some space in my shed for my bike. Now all I have to do is take advantage of it! This afternoon I also watched a film by Cirque du Soleil. People have raved about them for years but I'd never seen them. What they do is quite spectacular and very skilful! Having nothing for breakfast in the morning, I did the weekly shop this evening. I know! On a Thursday! How will the world cope?!!
STOP PRESS: I just checked my email and my MP is gonna chase CX GIC up about my cancelled appointment! Yay!! :)

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

5th August 2015

Love: I love being part of a 'tribe', as Clare calls it, like Big Love Sista. I love the fact that we come together for each other. I love the fact I'm treated no different to anyone else. I will forever be grateful to Jayne for being there for me in those harsh months of 2013 but being part of a tribe gives me hope that, should I ever be down on my luck again, things will be different and I won't feel so lonely and unloved (if you're offended by this, then please bear in mind that you're not me and so don't have my perspective).
Life: Today I've had a fairly easy going afternoon. I finished my book and can't wait to start the next one (If The Buddha Dated), joined Elloa Atkinson's Fearless Challenge group, had my tea and then went to the cinema to watch Ted 2 which has had some pretty dire reviews but I went because I'm a fan of the first Ted movie and the trailer looked pretty decent. I was warned to watch out for "the joke", which I'm presuming was the transphobic joke that made me roll my eyes rather than the barrage of sexist, homophobic and racist jokes throughout the movie. Am I a bad person because racist, homophobic and sexist jokes make me laugh? Or a bad person because, out of all the bad taste humour in it, its the one that hit closest to home that I minded? Maybe I'm just a bad person with a bad sense of humour? Whatever, I found the movie hilarious. And, whilst I'm at it, I may as well confess I've warmed considerably to Frankie Boyle in the past 12 months. I won't defend these things. They're just facts. As is the fact that prejudice is not OK.
Career: A quick and easy morning volunteering today. I'm now off to Monday. I must say I'm liking this new easy going approach to work. It hardly feels like I'm working at all! :)

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

4th August 2015

Love: I was shocked to discover today that Miss Piggy and Kermit have announced they have split. It seems Kermit has done the dirty and dumped her for someone called Janice. Well, I say Miss Piggy is better off without that selfish frog and have thrown my hat into the ring and suggested Miss Piggy may like to have a relationship with me instead. So far she has yet to respond but I live in hope. I also reflected today on the changes in me since John's death. I don't want this to be taken the wrong way because I still love and miss him but I believe, sexuality aside, I have changed so fundamentally since John died that I don't think a relationship between the two of us would work now. I find myself torn and conflicted by this revelation. I think I am perhaps better just acknowledging it rather than exploring further right now.
Life: This afternoon a man from British Gas came to fix my boiler which had stopped providing central heating for me. He discovered that the company who installed it had wired the thermostat wrong and fixed it for me. So I now have the luxury of heat in my home again. By coincidence, I also was prompted by NPower to provide them with the latest meter readings. In doing so, I looked back at my usage these last few months and it looks like I may well have been doing without heating since June! On the upside, it'll have saved me some money!
Career: Another day volunteering but I had to curtail it to be home for 12pm to await the British Gas man.

Monday, 3 August 2015

3rd August 2015

Love: Mia seems a bit forlorn at the minute. I'm paying her attention, playing with her and being affectionate but she seems more content to sit in her 'cot' (a radiator seat I have placed on the floor) rather than be with me. I hope she's OK.
Life: I can't much recall what I have done today. I know I had a long list of things on my phone to do and it is now clear as I deleted each one as I did them but what was originally on that list I don't much remember... other than I had someone come over to give me a quote for putting my awning up and I did my finances but other than that... ???
Career: back to work today. I enjoy the camaraderie and I still can't quite believe I get to surf Facebook as a job (albeit voluntary). :)

Sunday, 2 August 2015

2nd August 2015

Love: The grief hit me again today. I'd just finished helping facilitate the LGBTQI Circle and it just came at me. So I excused myself for a few minutes and went and sat and let it do its thing. I can speculate why it came at just that moment but I'd rather reflect that I handled it very well. I'm learning to surrender and swim with the tide these days. It seems to work better for me.
Life: Today Big Love Sista hosted an afternoon at The Bluecoat for Pride. We had an exhibition of the goddess paintings, held a choir workshop and then finished with the LGBTQI Circle. It was a lot of work but well worth it. Then ten of us went and had a meal together at Kasbah. It was just the perfect way to de-stress after quite a hectic weekend. Also, today was another day I reflected on all that Clare Campbell does for us. It's wonderful to be friends with someone who just seems to have magic pouring out of her! However, as like Tony Griffin, I wonder what will happen when these people have gone? Who will step into their shoes? Because I look around me and I see no contenders, which is highly worrying!
Career: I was told tomorrow was a bank holiday. It's not. So back to work I go.
Judgement: This morning I reflected on judgement. It happened because a friend announced that they were in a polyamorous relationship. This was not news to me, they'd told me before. But I admired their courage in going public with the news. Because to go public with news out of the ordinary like that is to open yourself to judgement. However, that's what pride is - it's opening yourself up to public judgement. It's saying 'this is who I am. Deal with it'. That's also what LGBTQI Pride is - it's saying loud and clear who we are and being defiant to those who would have us live in the closet or worse. However, I'm also a firm believer in questioning the judgement that arises within us. For instance, when my friend came out as polyamorous, it was so tempting to try and ascertain why they would be so. But the far more important question I asked myself was 'why am I not polyamorous? Why would that not work for me?' and through that I recognised my insecurities in being in a relationship with someone I love. I think the right way to live life is to literally keep our judgements to ourselves.
Train: The final thing I want to talk about today is the fact I had to talk myself out of walking in front of the train on the way home. I don't know why it happened, I just had a moment when it seemed the perfectly natural thing to do would be to walk in front of the train. I'm not suicidal and I wasn't even depressed at that moment so I really don't know what was going on in my head. But, obviously, it has shocked me that it could seem perfectly sane to do that and that's what I want to put on record.

Saturday, 1 August 2015

1st August 2015

Love: Warning: TMI! I love how my breasts are growing. They're really beginning to look quite full now and might even make an A cup. The growth is so slow and minimal that it hardly looks like they're growing at all but every now and then I'll catch myself in the mirror and be surprised how they're developing. It's really quite thrilling! :)
Life: Today was Liverpool Pride. This year funding was cut and, in the end, I don't think they got any funding at all! (But don't quote me on that!) So it ended up being all re-arranged at the last minute but the upshot was, instead of putting on a load of crap music stars and charging for the privilege of it, they've put on a free weekend of community events in the community! Which imho is infinitely preferable! Last year was a travesty imho and left me seriously deflated! But this year was fantastic - despite the heavy rain showers! I thoroughly enjoyed myself helping promote Big Love Sista! Aside from the funding and weather issues, I hope this year will set a blueprint that they follow every year and we don't go back to the soulless Pride we had last year! 
Anniversary: Today was also the 14th anniversary of John and I becoming a couple. I haven't really thought about it all day and I'm not sure I feel much about it - neither sad or happy - but I am sure I've done the right thing in not trying to celebrate/commemorate it on my own. John is my past and I'm sure he'd want it that way and be thrilled that I'm enjoying the present and looking to the future. Miss him though. :(