Thursday, 13 August 2015

13th August 2015

Love: yesterday I discovered another trigger for my grief - The Faces. This adds to All You Need Is Love and Be My Baby. Love Is All You Need is a trigger because I created a page in my journal called The Love Songs Were Wrong incorporating lyrics of The Beatles's song. Be My Baby was the first song I heard the first morning after the night before I shared with John and so, in many ways, it became 'our song' (even though he infinitely preferred Classical music). And now I find The Faces are a trigger because I was listening to them a lot during our last holiday to Devon to see my parents, which I remember John saying is when he first suspected something serious was up - although I didn't really realise until our holiday in Dundee later that year. It's odd how music can take you back years ago and make it seem like it was only yesterday. Such is the power of music I guess!
Life: Today I had my blood test. It was over in a flash. It's odd to think I used to dread these! Now it's just a matter of course - a sharp pin prick and it's over. Really no big deal at all! In the afternoon I did some art journaling encapsulating yesterday's Circle training and then watched a load of Netflix and washed my pillows. Then, an hour ago, I hunted down my journals to start my autobiography but I flicked open to a page I wrote 16 days after John died. It was quite a shock to see how desperate I felt back then! I'm glad I didn't rule out life though. To think I could've missed out on the last 12 months with Big Love Sista!! Unfortunately, I got distracted by my journal though. So autobiography will have to wait until another day.
Suicidal: Please buy Kate Bornstein's book, Hello Cruel World, from which this thing to do other than committing suicide is taken: "Kill some time instead". Take a nap. Have a rest. Practice mindfulness or meditate. Sunbathe (wear a coat if it's raining). Chill out.