Wednesday, 30 December 2015

30th December 2015

Love: I've only been gone a day but I'm missing my Mia already. Thankfully, I have Sonia looking after her for me. Such a weight off my mind knowing she's being kept an eye on. :)
Life: This morning my parents and I went into town to a cafe. They also had a deli part to it and all the cafe fare was homemade. I had a mince pie and tea. It was very nom! :) After that, we wandered around a few shops but only bought a few provisions. It was raining very hard and we got soaked through. So we came home to dry out. This evening we went back into town for a meal at an Indian restaurant. I had Lamb Passanda and homemade blackcurrant ice cream for afters. Again, it was very nom! :)
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today is having Sonia look after Mia for me. It's such a weight off my mind! :)

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

29th December

Love: Poor little Mia is all on her lonesome tonight. I miss her but know that she'll be OK - and probably having a party with all her boyfriends, knowing her! :)
Life: This morning I went to get my glasses. They are varifocal and when I ordered them the lady said people either get on with them or they don't. Well, I'm glad to say I'm one of those who do. I've worn them all day today - even driving down to Devon with them - and not had any problem at all. :) So, yes, I'm now in Devon, staying with my parents until the new year. I had a bit of a dilemma getting the key to my cat sitter, Sonia, though - until I decided to stop being an arse and go and take the key to her! After that, it was a 7 hour drive - most of it not bad except between Manchester and Stoke where the average was 30mph! And, although the M5 is a lot quieter than the M6, you get a lot of middle-lane-hoggers! Most frustrating! So, anyway, I made it here safe and sound and that's the main thing and many thanks to Sonia for helping me out in my time of need. :)
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today is being with my parents. They're all right really - in small doses! :)

Monday, 28 December 2015

28th December 2015

Love: Mia can be a funny old thing! She came up to me this evening but seemed in two minds whether to sit on my lap or not. So I hugged her to me but she wasn't having any of it, ran away and avoided me the rest of the evening! :(
Life: this morning I met Ali and was treated to a mocha and double chocolate gateaux at Patisserie Valerie. Then we had a potter around the shops but being a student seems to have made me a miser as I was turning my nose up to tops as being too expensive at £20! Then we met Ali's partner, Patrick, and went to Hotel Chocolat's cafe where I was treated again! It was my first time in the cafe and I was shocked to discover they do 100% chocolate! According to Ali though it's not very nice. After we went our separate ways, I got a text from Ian saying he was gonna do my front and back gardens for me this afternoon, so I returned home pronto! (And Ian was true to his word :) ) This evening I've watched lots of catch-up telly again and wrote a new poem called Stargazing.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is spending time with Ali. She's a lovely woman and I really enjoy her company - especially when she keeps treating me to cake! :)

Sunday, 27 December 2015

27th December 2015

Love: sometimes Mia doesn't have to do anything - just watching her sleep is enough to make me go all gooey eyed. :)
Life: I've spent most of the day watching catch-up telly, Amazon and Netflix again. Pretty boring really. I even drifted off to sleep this afternoon! I also did the laundry and cooked myself chilli for tea. A rather uneventful day in all.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is having Mia's company. She brings so much joy into my life these days it's easy to forget how hard it was at the beginning of the year when I didn't think I was up to the job of looking after her. Thank fuck I never gave her away like I feared I would have to at the time! I don't think I could manage without her now!

Saturday, 26 December 2015

26th December 2015

Love: Mia's been off her food today. Dunno quite why. Probably getting fed elsewhere again :(
Life: this morning started with being woken up at 4:30am by Mia. There was no way I was getting up at that time! So I shut her in the kitchen. I'm hoping it'll eventually sink in that I really don't appreciate being woken up before 7am - maybe one day! When I got up proper I watched the Doctor Who Christmas special which I thought was pretty lame! But then the Christmas special nearly always is! Mid-morning I went for a wander into Liscard to get some bananas for my breakfasts next week but the fruit shop was shut and Tesco didn't have any bananas at all! When I got home again, I made myself a corned beef and beetroot salad sarnie for my dinner before watching a load more catch-up telly and Netflix. This evening I wasn't feeling very hungry, having stuffed myself on chocs again, so just had ham on toast and my Christmas pudding with clotted cream (I couldn't afford brandy sauce!). I've still some cream left so I shall look forward to having that on a scone tomorrow. :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is living a long way from a river! Watching some of the footage of places flooded out has been pretty hair-raising! I'm almost certain our old house in Hutton will have been flooded out, with that stream right behind it!

Friday, 25 December 2015

25th December 2015

Love: today is the second day running I've felt connected to John. Perhaps that was his Christmas pressie to me?
Life: Mia woke me up at 5am but, it being Christmas, I had charity in my heart so didn't shut her in the kitchen as usual but got up and fed her breakfast. I hope she doesn't expect that every morning! Then I made myself a cup of tea and opened my pressies. I'd told people to donate to good causes but I still had a handsome selection of pressies to open. :) Then I gave Mia her pressies. One was a mouse in a ball - she doesn't normally take to toys, so I was thrilled that she appeared to like this one! Then she realised she couldn't get the mouse out of the ball and lost all interest in it! Try as I might! For my breakfast I made poached egg and black pudding on toast which was lovely! :) I didn't bother with dinner - just stuffed myself on the chocs people had got me! For tea I did my venison with (more) black pudding, sprout, roast spuds, beetroot salad and redcurrant jelly in mulled wine gravy. It was delish! I think it could become my new Christmas tradition! :) For afters I had trifle... followed by Christmas cake and baklava. I have ate very handsomely today! :) Meanwhile, I have watched lots of catch-up telly, Netflix and Amazon. Just a really lovely, chilled, day in all! :)
One Thing: I'm so glad I didn't put any pressure on myself this year to be or do anything! I've made Christmas my own and just had a lovely day in all! This is self-love and it's worked (as it always does)! :)
Addendum: just remembered the funniest thing that happened yesterday: I had Mia on my lap whilst I was scoffing chocolates, when I dropped one and Mia was on it like a shot and, believing chocolate is poisonous to cats, I immediately tried to get it off her but she ran away with it! So I started to panic but she must've tasted the chocolate because she just dropped it. It's reassuring to think that I don't need to worry about her being poisoned - she knows what's good and bad for her. Clever girl! :)

Thursday, 24 December 2015

24th December 2015

Love: it's a beautiful night tonight with the full moon and stars bright in the sky. Seeing that just now made me feel connected to John again - where else would he be, with his fixation on astronomy, but out in space somewhere! It also allowed me to feel his reassurance again to do what I feel to be right; to trust in myself. I guess I have slipped on that score again. No one knows me better than me these days!
Life: this morning I went to get my decapeptyl injection. Such a pain in the arse - especially on Christmas Eve! - but it does help things along. When I got home I got a phonecall to say my glasses are ready already - 3 days after ordering them! - but I couldn't be arsed to go out again, so they'll wait till next week now. This afternoon I painted my paint-it-yourself mug Janette got me for my birthday. It looks so juvenile, it would make Picasso proud! (Artist joke) Then this evening I have watched Amazon. One of the things I watched was Nativity 3: Dude Where's My Donkey? which was positively awful but festive enough to get me in the Christmas spirit.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is giving the house a clean. I can now relax tomorrow in pleasant surroundings instead of my usual filth!

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

23rd December 2015

Love: I've been lucky tonight. I've had Mia come for cuddles not once but twice! It's lovely to feel loved! :)
Life: today I visited Julie to swap Christmas presents. She also gave me my birthday presents whilst I was there. I felt quite spoilt! :) When I got home I decided to play with my marbling paints I bought a fortnight ago. I didn't realise how hard they'd be to clean off! I've ruined a perfectly good bucket and have had to scrub my hands till they're red! I shall definitely use them with more caution in future! This evening, for reasons I can't quite remember, I watched a few YouTube videoes. One featured James Baldwin and William F Buckley and the other two featured Noam Chomsky. I was very impressed by the intelligence on display - and loathed Buckley! However, it has also become apparent to me that these videos of 20-50 years ago show that the situation we are in today has been a long time in coming - a gradual worsening and tightening of the noose. It confirms what I've known for a long time now - that this is no accident; that the general population is fucked! Any power we believe we have is an illusion. We are not the ones in control and the powers that be are intent on keeping it that way. Democracy is a sham! Do I want to live under such conditions? No, I believe I do not. Do I believe I can do anything about it? No, I fear history proves that we the general population can not - especially with a government such as ours that has no intention of ceding power to us and has us under thumb. So what is the solution? The only solution I see is one I'm too scared to take right now. :(
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing is cuddles with Mia. Not for the first time - not by a long shot! - she's the only reason I'm here typing this.

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

22nd December 2015

Life: I wish I could adequately describe how I feel right now. I feel like life is futile. I question what is the point in making the effort. Even knowing people are significantly worse off than me only gives me temporary respite. Meanwhile... This morning I took the car for a free Winter Check and they found nothing that couldn't wait until the annual service next year. Then I dropped some food off at Wirral Foodbank and got a certificate of thanks for it. After that I went into Liverpool to speak to the people at Vodafone about why my Spotify account wasn't working properly. They sorted out the problem pretty pronto. They're good people there. I also paid in a cheque at the bank. I then went to the World Museum to look at an exhibition on Trans armed forces personnel - only to find it was at the Museum of Liverpool! Doh! My only complaint about the exhibition is that I know one of the people it features is a rather unlikeable person. However, it did have some beautiful photographs. Unfortunately, my journey home afterwards was a bit traumatic as my Arriva bus app had stopped working and deleted my term-time ticket so I feared I was stuck in Liverpool! However, I managed to contact them and they explained the servers had gone down and that the bus driver should allow me to travel for free and that my term-ticket would be reinstated in due course. True to their word, the bus driver did let me travel for free but my term-time ticket hasn't reappeared as yet.
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today is witnessing a child point at the photographs and say "those are transgender people". When I transitioned in 2010, very few adults knew what "transgender" was - now kids know what the word means! That is progress I'm glad to have made a small part in! 

Monday, 21 December 2015

21st December 2015

Love: got depressed about my non-existent love life again tonight. Trouble is I can't really afford time or money for a relationship anyway.
Life: this morning I had a moment of inspiration courtesy of Clare. So I've abandoned my plan to drive all the way to Southport on Christmas Day for a meal out that I can't really afford and bought myself some venison to cook instead. Venison is what John and I would traditionally have on Christmas Day and I've missed it. This will only be my second attempt at cooking it, so I'm quite excited about it. Will it be a disaster or a success? Stay tuned to find out! :) I also went to the Co-Op to spend my annual tokens divvy, with which I bought a bottle of mulled wine and some Thorntons chocolates. :) This morning I also had an eye test at Specsavers and, surprise surprise, my eyesight has got worse and I now need glasses for close and far distances, so I've been persuaded to try verifocals. I hope I get a refund if I don't get on with them! They're costing me £200! Which is yet more proof, as if it were needed, I need to be earning - hopes of living off John's pension are plainly cuckoo! :( This evening I gave Mia her monthly flea treatment. The trouble is she's learned to recognise the smell of the stuff, so she didn't come sit on my lap as usual and I ended up having to distract her with Dreamies whilst I did it! I also watched itv's live production of The Sound Of Music which I really enjoyed - unlike the movie (which I thought was mostly boring!).
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the moment of inspiration from Clare that Christmas is mine to rewrite. I've been really lucky these last 2 years to spend it with Tony and Julie but now I feel I need to be independent and stand on my own two (wonky) feet.

Sunday, 20 December 2015

20th December 2015

Love: I believe it is a truth that all of us hold love within us. However, instead of looking within us to find the love we contain, we look outside of us for things to love. What is even worse are the people who tell us our love is wrong and that love can only be possible if we do it their way. All this is distraction. We should ignore it but rarely do we do that. :(
Life: I have spent much of the day asleep. I think it was 3 months lack of a good night's sleep catching up with me. However, I got myself together to go to St Brides Christmas service. It was my second year of going. It was very good again. I don't consider myself a Christian by any means but, if I'm going to celebrate Christmas, I feel I ought to at least observe the Christianity of it! Anyway, tonight's service had a theme of 'a light in the darkness'. It started with the observation that although we may find light in the darkness, we never find darkness in light which I thought was rather profound! The minister then talked about how our current western society is so full of light - via electricity - the mystery and effect of light in our world has been drowned out, thus we are blinded! However, the bit that resonated with me most strongly was the fear of light - how many of us shrink from the light in fear of where that light will lead. I certainly am one of them. I don't like being in the spotlight - I fear the expectation to shine! I also tend to ignore the light that is my spirituality for fear of being lead astray. As much as I'm wary of Christianity, I was raised a Christian and, like it or not, it is part of my spirituality. However, I am wary of Christianity because it has lead me to hate - most of all to hate myself. Thus I fear it. What does it say about a religion that I fear being corrupted by it?!! And, yet, I can't ignore it. However, tonight I had a tiny revelation - what I'm attracted to is the light/goodness/love. But I don't need to go to church or be part of the Christian faith to feel that. I have felt it just as strongly at Big Love Sista... and, thinking on it, that is what I've missed most these last 3 months since I started college - my dose of spirituality courtesy of BLS. So, recognising this, I recognise I need to make more effort than ever to not deprive myself of it. I need that light in my life so that I don't wander in darkness. And, talking about light, what is it that our government's doing but making life darker for people! It doesn't take much imagination to work out why the powers that be want the general population to dwell in darkness! This government are dangerous and it needs to be removed asap!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is catching up on my sleep. I feel much better for it. :)

Saturday, 19 December 2015

19th December 2015

Love: this evening I have had some friends over for a gathering to celebrate my birthday. It was lovely :) and to think I'd never even had a birthday party until 2010! :)
Life: this morning I opened my birthday cards and then popped to Home Bargains for some cider for Christmas. After that I went to New Brighton on the bus, had some dinner and then went to the panto at the Floral - Sleeping Beauty. It was excellent! Really well put together, brilliantly performed and I've not laughed so loud in ages! :) Then I popped into Morrisons for a birthday cake before coming home for the evening.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is having friends travel from miles around to be with me on my birthday. It really makes me feel appreciated. :)

Friday, 18 December 2015

18th December 2015

Life: I have had a lovely day. This morning I met Patricia in Liverpool to watch Star Wars 7. It was a very enjoyable film but I was most upset when Stump the Ewok died as he was by far my favourite! But then I always did like the work of Jim Henson :) Afterwards we went around to Debenhams to look at Christmas presents for Patricia's family and had a cup of tea. After that, we went to Cass Arts and Primark where I bought a Star Wars tshirt - its traditional to watch the film and then buy the tshirt, right? We then went our separate ways and I went to have a massage with Nina. It was so relaxing, I was falling asleep! And my shoulders feel wonderful! :) I then went to Tokyou for tea before coming home and doing very little.
One Thing: I'm being greedy and choosing the whole day because I've loved today! :) It's felt like my birthday a day early! :)

Thursday, 17 December 2015

17th December 2015

Life: I met up with Kirsteen from work today. We had lunch at the Marino Lounge and I also sampled a couple of glasses of their mulled cider. I'd taken the bus there so didn't have to worry about drinking and driving. It was good to see her and catch up on our news. Unfortunately, she's not been very well and could only manage the hour before she was tired out and had to go home again. But it was good to see her none the less. :) Afterwards, I saw the final instalment of The Hunger Games. It was alright but all the promise it showed in the first movie was well and truly gone. It practically limped to the closing credits! Then I went and got some food for the weekend from Morrisons. It was useful to see how I would cope if I had to do the weekly shop via the bus: I would have to be very disciplined to ensure I didn't buy more than a basket full of food or else it'd be too much to carry home again! This evening I had a scone for tea as I wasn't really hungry after lunch and then sweets at the cinema. Then I watched Transparent and I have to say I'm enjoying the second series a lot more than the first! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is finally making a firm decision about my future. I'm scared but I've decided it's all or nothing now. There's no point sitting on the fence anymore - I have too much to lose.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

16th December 2015

Love: my lovely Mia has been ever so thoughtful and got me a Christmas present - a dead pigeon, which I found in a heap of feathers in my hall! I'm an ungrateful wretch though because I shoved it in a bin bag as quick as I dared! In fact, I couldn't even bare to touch it even with marigolds on!
College: I arrived at college for just after 8am and had submitted my remaining work by just after 10am. After that I helped Jody out before having a quick lunch and going home (to pigeon surprise!). So that's it now - 3 weeks of boredom and loneliness to look forward to. Hurray!
Life: This afternoon I went to the post office to post my last 2 Christmas cards and then the sorting office to pick up two parcels... except one of them was for someone else at a different address! I do love these dyslexic posties they employ these days! They make life interesting! Then I picked up my prescription on the way home. When I got home I promptly went out again to Gordale. Gordale has become part of my Christmas tradition since I moved here. It's the most Christmassy shop I know and I like to go and browse but it's prices are so ridiculously overpriced that's all I ever do is browse! This evening I watched a documentary on Ray Harryhausen. It was good and rather amusing that all these top notch directors known for drowning every inch of screen in cgi were saying stop animation was so much better! Er, like put your money where your mouth is then!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Mia's present. It totally freaked me out but it has certainly elevated today out of the ordinary!

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

15th December 2015

Love: Just a brief cuddle with Mia tonight before she disappeared off out. I keep telling her she doesn't have to live with me if she doesn't want to - she can go live with whoever it is she disappears off to - but she keeps coming back.
College: today I submitted my fashion, graphics, makeup and drawing communication work. However, looking at my other books tonight, I've noticed I've not written my name on all my books. So now I'm wondering whether I wrote my name on all the books I submitted! Rookie mistake! I also lost my temper at college today and every other word became "fuck" at several times in the day. It's a combination of stress, lack of patience and my volcanic temper. Hopefully, I won't be quite as worked up tomorrow. I don't know what was going on with the traffic tonight but there was obviously some problem going through the tunnel, making the buses ridiculously late! So I caught the 433 home and walked the extra distance instead of the 432 which drops me at the end of the road.
Life: tonight I've just tried to chill - having no work to do. I watched 3 itv programs (so low brow!) and then Still Game on Netflix.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is handing my work in. It's one less thing to worry about... except, of course, I will.

Monday, 14 December 2015

14th December 2015

Life: today I had the handyman come to fix the shower screen as it'd started leaking again. It took him all of 30 seconds to do it! And he showed me how to fix it myself if it happens again. He is a really good handyman and I'm so glad Ive found one so thoughtful and helpful. :) After that I wandered into town to pick up a parcel from my parents. I also bought the last of my Christmas presents whilst in town. On getting home I found another delivery card for another parcel to collect! After lunch I did an art journal page in my contextual studies book and wrote out my Christmas cards for college whilst watching The Man In The High Castle on Amazon. This evening I made a soup out of the leftovers from yesterday's roast dinner. It is very nom! :)
One thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is just having a nice relaxing day in which I could potter and do what I wanted. :)

Sunday, 13 December 2015

13th December 2015

Love: as I type, I have Mia on my lap. Sorry to be repetitive but she is the sweetest cat and I love her! :)
Life: I've had a very busy weekend and not much sleep so I'm not going to go into detail but, for a start, I've not had to buy tea at all this weekend but still ate the most gorgeous food! I also had a makeover yesterday and didn't have to pay for that either! I've also done art and a bit more art and claimed the title of artist for myself. But now I'm very tired and going to bed very shortly...
College: not really done much college work this weekend but I've finished off all my sketchbooks this morning. Not quite sure what I'm gonna do Tuesday and Wednesday!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing this weekend is the generosity of my friends. I've been spoilt silly this weekend and much appreciated it! :)

Friday, 11 December 2015

11th December 2015

Love: today I had a soul card reading. It said I was in limbo and should wait for life to show me the way forward. Unfortunately, I had it done by a friend so now my scepticism wonders how genuine it was. Next time I shall have it done by a stranger.
Life/College: what a day! I got into college early to get the voice over done for our video for media. It took a fraction of the time I thought it would and it worked out really well as well! :) Then we had fashion and I didn't get much done because half the lesson was the staff asking us if we needed any support because the general attendance was so low. I don't know who's bright idea it was to have support staff take up 1 hour of our time because of some students' attendance meant they were getting behind on lessons 2 college days before deadline (can you spot the flaw yet?!!) but it wasn't appreciated by me! After that we had makeup and Patricia turned me into a zombie (it took longer than you might think!). After which we went to the library to upload our media video to YouTube and were told off for nattering by some feckwit! I was tempted to give him some lip but I didn't know whether he was student or staff so decided not to risk it. After college, Patricia gave me a lift into town and we went to Mowgli and had some bunny chow for tea before going to BLS studio for our end of semester show. I didn't sell any of my paintings - except for the one I made especially for Christmas which I managed to auction off for £40. :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is... The whole day! Today was just one of those full-on days with epic ups and major downs. So it'd be wrong to separate it out into portions because it just has to be taken as a whole.

Thursday, 10 December 2015

10th December 2015

Love: love isn't just about who your partner is. It's also being lovely and having love in your heart. I'm lucky to know lots of people who fit that description. So my life is not short of love. :)
Life: today I didn't do any college work. I should've done but I didn't have time to fit it in. The morning started with mopping the kitchen floor (long overdue!) and doing the food shopping. Then I sorted out my drugs and Internet subscription (which was a bit of a palava!). This afternoon I went to BLS studio to hang my paintings for tomorrow's art show and bought myself a new coat and rucksack. I hope they last longer than the ones they're replacing! They certainly cost enough! (Sale or no sale!) I also popped into Vodafone to ask what happens when my contract expires next week and walked out with a year extension at less than half the price I was previously paying (which I can terminate after 3 months if I so wish). So I'd say that was a very effective salesman! After that I popped into Aldi on the way home but I was too early to get my ham for Boxing Day as the expiry was for the week before! I forget what I did this evening but it wasn't college work.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is being told how much I should be asking for my paintings! There's serious money in this!... provided someone buys them of course! :)

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

9th December 2015

College: I got to college just after 8am today. It was then that I discovered that my zipper was stuck on my coat. I feared I would be wearing it for the rest of my life for a while but I eventually undid it! However, I guess I'm now gonna have to buy myself a new coat now as well as a rucksack! :( As I'd already done my VM and ID projects, I used the time to rewrite my contextual studies essay. Instead of the 9 hours it took me on Sunday, this one I wrote in 2 hours! And I much prefer it too! So, when it came to the lesson this afternoon, I was able to give my teacher not one but two essays to look over! :) This afternoon ended with me editing our 1 min film. My first attempt arrived at the 90 secs mark, so I've had to trim quite a bit out but I'm happy enough with the final cut. All it needs now is Patricia's approval and her voice over doing. When I got home, I had tea and then worked a bit on my sketchbooks before turning to bed.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Mia coming up to me for a good half hour cuddle. She is a darling! :)

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

8th December 2015

Love: so a while ago I joined Wapa and I've had about half a dozen people expressing an interest. So thoughts that I'm undesirable are patently untrue! However, I don't think this is the right time to be starting a relationship with anyone as I couldn't really afford the time or the expense at the moment.
College: today has been a pretty lazy day at college. I played with paints for an hour, had another go at writing my essay for an hour, and helped Patricia with her logo for an hour - all pretty easy going stuff really! I also had a chat with Shirley who my tutor told me to speak to last week as she supposedly shared my love of collage. It wasn't the case. She claimed to be into digital media and another tutor, Andy, is the guy who's into traditional media. She also showed me some of the current students work and it was lovely but just not me! :( So I've met two of the three tutors on the course now and seen some of the students' work and I can't say I'm a good fit! :( So I'm stumped as to what to do! I feel torn one way and torn another! :( Talking about tearing - my bag has a rip in it! So I'm gonna have to buy a new one now! I can't say I'm impressed because it was an expensive (by my standards) proper rucksack and its barely lasted more than a year! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is doing the abstract painting. I love messing about with paints and being experimental, so it was good fun! :)

Monday, 7 December 2015

7th December 2015

Love: there's nothing more special in my life right now than when Mia comes for a cuddle. She is such a sweet natured little cat! I love her to death! :)
Life: yesterday consisted of writing my 500 word essay for contextual studies and little else - which is why I didn't bother blogging about it! This morning I woke up and had a better idea for my essay! However, I am refusing to rewrite it unless I get clear of all my other projects (which may be a possibility). So I worked on my sketchbooks instead this morning before popping into Liscard to post my Christmas cards... and buy some more! Over the weekend I learned that CAW have moved away to Birkenhead. I have to say I'm a bit heartbroken I can no longer pop into see my friends on my walk into Liscard. I feel a little bit abandoned tbh. ;( This evening I watched 2 movies before heading to bed.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is doing my monthly finances. Doing so, enabled me see my financial situation clearly and plan for my future.

Saturday, 5 December 2015

5th December 2015

Life: I've had a lovely day. :) As I've pretty much done my college work and today was the Intrust Christmas party I decided to do lots of Christmassy stuff today. I got the bus to Liverpool and headed to St Georges Hall for the Winter Craft Fair but I was too early so I went to the library and treated myself to a mocha at their cafe. I then went to the craft fair which was suffering from a lack of signage so I struggled to find my way around. I did eventually find my way to the right bit and had a jolly old gander! :) it was a very impressive selection and I could've spent a fortune if I'd been so inclined! :) After that I wandered into the centre to look at the Christmas markets but was rather disappointed tbh. It was a shadow of itself compared to previous years! :( However, I did treat myself to some Scouse from one of the stalls and very nice it was too! After that I got the train out to Waterloo and wandered up to Caz's Kitchen but they didn't have any Big Love Sista cake as I hoped so I had a cake bomb instead and a cuppa tea. On leaving I bought some mince pies for the Christmas party and wandered over to Waterloo high street where I had another cuppa tea before wandering over to the Christmas party. It was a lovely meet - the Christmas party is always the best meet of the year imho! - but a few of the regulars were much missed. :( After the meeting we went to a Turkish restaurant and had a lovely meal! :) I then got a lift home and proceeded to then do my Christmas cards. :) so I am now rather worn out and ready for bed - provided the wind doesn't keep me up all night again!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the Winter Arts Fair. I found lots of lovely stalls there today and I'm tempted to go back tomorrow - especially as there's meant to be another 50 different stalls there! :)

Friday, 4 December 2015

4th December 2015

Love: this morning, to encourage Mia to come for a cuddle before I left for college, I enticed her with some Dreamies. I arrived home from college to find said Dreamies torn open and entire contents scoffed! Obviously I must've left them on the sofa when I went off to college! And the cheeky thing still wanted tea this evening! :D
College: This morning I took a load of my artwork in to college to try and convince my lecturer to put me forward for the fine art course at Liverpool Hope. She argued the case that I'm better suited to graphics and illustration. So I argued my case - that I wanted to do stuff that allowed me to experiment and express myself and that I love collage. To which she responded by taking me to the graphics studio - with its walls covered with collage! Which was pretty much all I needed to convince me to stay there and do graphics! :) But just to be sure and settle any remaining doubts I'm hoping to meet with the lecturer, Shirley, next week. :) Other pluses include automatic acceptance onto the course at the end of the year, not having to put a portfolio together over Christmas for interview and it being £1000 cheaper than Liverpool Hope. After meeting with my tutor, I then pretty much finished off my final fashion illustration, did my final make-up design (which I intended to just be a final practice before I did it for real next week but it went so well I asked if I could submit it for my final and she accepted! :) ), and then Patricia and I finished off our filming for our media project (which will now need to be edited together next week). It was a very productive day in all! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is having a meeting with my tutor this morning. It kind of feels like what I wished and hoped for is coming true - but not quite as I imagined it! Which is almost even better! :)

Thursday, 3 December 2015

3rd December 2015

Love: no cuddles from Mia today :(
Life/college: the morning started with an email from my MP telling me why she voted to bomb Syria and me replying to it telling her I'll never vote for her again. Then I went and did the food shop. When I got back home I finished off one of my canvases for BLS. After lunch I practiced my final design for my make-up lesson. However, I had to do it in the mirror without my glasses on so it wasn't exactly precise! I still got a feel of the products though and how best to apply them. After that I did some work on my sketchbooks. After tea I sorted out things I might want to include in my portfolio for interview if I transfer to Liverpool Hope next September as I have a meeting with my tutor tomorrow so she can decide if she'll put me forward for it or not. I also looked at my finances and I fear I'm going to have to see if I can unlock myself from my 3 year ISA to be able to afford it! ...or sell my car. :( I ended the evening by watching Jessica Jones and Still Game on Netflix.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is finishing my canvas. It is a concept piece so it was a moment of trepidation to see if the concept works or not and rewarding to see that it did! And the concept is such that it can only get better now! :)

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

2nd December 2015

Love: The evening ended with cuddles with Mia again. How I love that cat! :) In regards to love of the human kind, I was thinking this evening how on earth am I going to find a girlfriend when I have no social life and I don't have any money for a social life and I hate "The Scene"?!! I also don't believe any lesbian is gonna want a Trans woman as their partner... so spinsterhood here I come!
College: today started well but I'm afraid college got a tiny taste (a nibble?) of my volcanic temper by the end of the day. I feel like I should apologise but I'm not sorry, so I'd rather not because that'd make me a liar. On the bright side, my projects are going well and I'm well on the way to having them finished in the next fortnight. :) incidentally, I have my weekly poetry class tomorrow but I have to say right now I'm minded not to go. I'd much rather work on college stuff and getting my portfolio together. I think that with the weekly food shop will be plenty for tomorrow!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is my lecturer praising me for my work. Considering she drives me potty half the time, it was much appreciated! :)

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

1st December 2015

Life: so I wasn't in a good place yesterday but, as I hoped, I was in a better frame of mind today. In other news, my Darth Vader advent calendar produced a reindeer today.
College: the college day started with a presentation from a lecturer at Liverpool Hope about their fine art course and he certainly made an impression because at least 3/4s of us want to go there now! :) Yesterday I also said Graphic Design bored me rigid. That's not true. Parts of it were certainly tedious but not all of it. However, after today's Graphics lesson, I'm not sure I want to do it at Hugh Baird college. My lecturer seems to have a very set opinion of what Graphics is and really struggled to comprehend why I'd want my logo to be a real object (turned digital via the computer) rather than a computer graphic! I mean, it's the 21st century for fuck sake! Broaden your horizons! I really don't fancy spending the next 3 years having to kick against such narrow mindedness!
Love: Mia is definitely taking herself off somewhere for tea these days. She disappeared for several hours this evening and, in these temperatures, there's no way she spent all that time outdoors! The fickle hussy! :)
One Thing: the one thing that has made today worthwhile is the presentation from Liverpool Hope. No pun intended but it has given me hope for the future and put a spring in my step today. :)

Monday, 30 November 2015

30th November 2015

Life: When I blogged the other day that I wasn't depressed anymore, I spoke too soon. I guess that is the nature of depression - it can strike anytime. You can feel like you're past it and then, all of a sudden, you're right back in it again. That is me tonight. Tonight I watched Fantabulosa! - the biopic about Kenneth Williams. He was a privately tragic man and I'm afraid tonight his final words in his diary, "Oh, what's the bloody point!" chimed with me. However, unlike May 2013, tonight I have an answer: I have a whole load of Christmas presents to deliver and a cat who relies on me. That said, tomorrow is December - the month of my birthday - and ever since John died I've dreaded getting older as it makes obvious the fact I'm moving further away (in time) from John. Today I've been particularly haunted by his face on his deathbed. How I would like things to be different!
Love: yes, so, as said, Mia has been my saviour again tonight. How I love her! She's been through enough in her life already without being abandoned again!
College: so it's been decided for me that I'm doing graphics and I was warming to the idea but today I thought that is not what I want to spend my future doing! Graphic design bored me rigid! I want to spend my days doing art! I may not be the world's greatest artist - there may be no career in it for me - but it's what gives me the most satisfaction! That is why I was looking at Contextual Studies - because it gives me the most freedom to be expressive and experimental (unbelievably, a fine art degree pushes you to be mindful of the market... zzzz! Fuck the market! I don't want to be a slave to popular opinion!) But CS is also an academic subject and I'm not an academic! So I think what's the fucking point! What freedom to be expressive and experimental is a degree going to give me?!! Just what is the fucking point! But I'll be at college tomorrow on time and dutiful like a good little girl no doubt. Fucking coward that I am!
One Thing: The one thing that has made today worthwhile is having Mia to keep me going until tomorrow when, hopefully, I'll be in a better place.

Sunday, 29 November 2015

29th November 2015

Life: today has been another wild and windy day. After having my shower, breakfast and watching Doctor Who, I intended to start on my college work but I found my eyes wouldn't focus so I had to sit with them closed for a while until they were OK again. It was a scary moment - my ambitions revolve around me being able to see. What would I do if I couldn't?!! I've since put it down to tiredness, though, as Ive sensed it coming on again when Ive been staring at the computer/iPad/iPhone screen a lot. Today I also had delivery of the stuff I ordered yesterday - one of the advantages of being with Amazon Prime is you get next day delivery even on a Sunday! I also worked on two of my canvases. Neither is really going as hoped but that's part of the creative process - you have to surrender control and let the art be what it will be.
College: today I finished off my essay for contextual studies, sorted out as much of my make-up sketchbook as I could, and started on my fashion illustration. This evening I was worrying about finances again but then asked myself what I would do if I wasn't scared of spending all that money and the answer was obvious - I would plough on and do things properly. So, I guess, that is what I really desire to do and I think I owe it to myself to do what I desire.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is being creative - for both college and myself. I live to be creative. Being creative is like breathing for me and I suffocate when I deny my creativity.

Saturday, 28 November 2015

28th November 2015

At the moment my life doesn't involve much more than college. In that regard, it's got boring. So I'd rather talk about stuff that does interest me...
Love: I'm not even really looking anymore. I think I'm a hopeless case. Who wants to be with a Trans widow with disabilities anyway? And no ones even remotely called me sexy since John died. And I'm not sure I want or can afford a relationship whilst I'm at college anyway. Just as well I have Mia then. She gives me all the cuddles I need! :)
Life: this weekend Big Love My Brother was launched. Even though it's a wild, wer and windy day I still couldn't help being envious. My life used to be exciting like that once too and now I've given it all up for college in hopes of a degree that I can't really afford. It makes me wonder whether I'm doing the right thing but I also can see that I'm not as depressed or suicidal as I once was. My mind has other things to think about. Of course, my anxiety plagues me - not giving me a moment to relax - but the upside of that is that it drives me on to achieve. So that's another bonus - I now have something to achieve: getting a degree.
One Thing: the one thing I'm most proud of in my life is not killing myself. I've been tempted many times but have always found a way past it. May that continue.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

26th November 2015

Love: The evening ended with cuddles with Mia. What do I need a girlfriend for when I have a cat?!!
College/Life: I started the Morning with doing some work on my sketchbooks. Then I went to college to finish off (I hope!) my window box and print some stuff off and email myself some other stuff. Then I came home, did the shopping, had tea and have worked on my sketchbooks again until 9pm. I ended the evening with aforementioned cat cuddles whilst watching Jessica Jones on Netflix.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is taking the day off from taking the day off to do college work. I feel much less daunted by it all now!

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

25th November 2015

Love: these days there's nothing more lovely than Mia snuggling up with me. Her sweet nature has saved my life in so many ways and on so many days. I love her to death! :)
College: I was dreading today but, as usual, my teacher surprised me and my fears proved unfounded. Contextual Studies also proved fruitful in that I almost got my 300 word essay done. It just needs a few tweaks and then it can be submitted. After college, Patricia and I went to HobbyCraft for art materials and I then went to HomeBargains and PetsAtHome for bitsandbobs. Despite this detour, I still got home earlier than I usually do on a Wednesday! After a quick tea of couscous and falafel, I then cracked on with working on my sketchbooks but called it a night at 10pm with still loads to do! So I'm going into college tomorrow - and skipping poetry class - to do them... Or at least as much as I can!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the one hour just before bed when I relaxed to watch Fargo and cuddle Mia. I'm glad I'm making the effort - even on a hectic day like today - to have some  'me time'. I'm worth it. :)

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

24th November 2015

Love: is weird.
Life: I am who I am. I feel what I feel. Any expectations otherwise are unrealistic.
College: so it was back to college today after my 4 day weekend. When our tutor told us we only have 3 weeks left to finish all our projects, I felt like crying or walking. I did neither. I was also told that I was a graphic designer. So sod all the dilemma over the weekend over what to do for my course. I'm doing graphic design.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Patricia being back in college. I missed her last week. :(

Monday, 23 November 2015

23rd November 2015

Love: this evening Mia was curled up next to me on the couch and she looked as sweet as anything. When I got Mia last year I got her as a companion. I never imagined how much I would adore her and find something like her sleeping on the couch next to me would melt my heart like it does. :)
Life: I took Amore to the station first thing. I've enjoyed her company this weekend. She'd make an ideal lodger if she ever wanted to move to Merseyside! :) This afternoon I started on wrapping my Christmas presents. I figured, with the amount of homework I usually get at college, I should use whatever quiet moments I can to sort out Christmas stuff. Ian came to look at what needs doing to the garden. The conclusion was that he's gonna come again next week and spend a couple of hours tidying it up for the winter. Considering how much time my previous gardener spent on my garden and what she charged, I really get my money's worth with Ian! :) This evening I watched Gravity. I was never bothered to see it at the cinema - despite the rave reviews it got - but I must say it was rather good. I especially loved the soundtrack by Steven Price - I'm gonna listen to that on Spotify after I've finished this. :)
College: today I worked on my Media stuff and got quite a bit done of it. I've really enjoyed how relaxed this weekend has been - it's a shame it can't be like that every weekend!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is sorting out my Christmas presents. It was a weight off my mind! :)

Sunday, 22 November 2015

22nd November 2015

Love: tonight I'm loving the fact that, despite my body issues, I found the confidence to pose for life drawing. It may not ever happen again but I'm glad it happened tonight and I can be an old fogey and think "ar, I remember when I was younger...". :)
Life: today, other than heArt School, I have had a lazy day... well, until I went into town in search of Christmas bags and lining paper! There were just far too many people getting in my way and I was getting more and more wound up about it! I don't think I will be venturing into town at the weekend again this year unless I really really have to! Afterwards, I met up with Hillary and Amore for tea at Bakchich before we all went to heArt School for our life drawing class which was pretty amazing! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is finding the confidence to put my body confidence issues to the back of my mind for a bit and pose for life drawing. The memory of that and the whole class will be with me for a very long time! :)

Saturday, 21 November 2015

21st November 2015

Love: yesterday I had to give Mia her monthly flea treatment. She didn't half give me a filthy look afterwards! But we're friends again today and that's the main thing :)
Life: Tonight I'm wanting to press reset on my life. I would love to be able to do it all over again as the person I am now. Because I would love to do Art History (aka Contextual Studies) as my degree but I fear it is a futile dream because it's an academic course with applicants needing good A-Levels whereas I failed all my A-Levels (including Art)! Or, I imagine, at least come from an academic background and I don't have one of them either! Not to mention how much it costs - which would be the same problem for my second choice, Fine Art! Hugh Baird does neither course so, if I wanted to stay there, I would be choosing Graphic Design or Make-Up (3rd and 4th choices) as they're my two favourite lessons of the degrees Hugh Baird offers. Plus there's the fact that ACAS needs all applications in by middle of January so there really is no time to waste! And if I did go elsewhere, I would need an interview and what sort of portfolio would I be able to show them for Fine Art or Art History?!! As I say, it just makes me wish I could press the reset button! :( Anyway... today I popped into town to get some stuff for college. It was lovely to see the Christmas Market in town. Not that I'd buy any of their overpriced tatt but it does make things seem festive! :) I also bought the Christmas cake, pudding and some baklava for Christmas today. I got it for the grand total of £6.54 too! :)
College: after missing yesterday at college because of a cold, I was glad to find that no new major project has been set for the weekend. So it's just been a case of catching up. So I'm now feeling closer to surfacing again - for how long who knows! - and feel I can take this weekend relatively easy. :)
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing is having a relatively relaxed weekend. :)

Thursday, 19 November 2015

19th November 2015

Life: Amore arrived today for the weekend. It's good to have the company - especially when they clean the kitchen for me! :) This afternoon I went to my usual poetry class. I wasn't impressed today - she turned up 15 mins late, didn't get the class going until 30 mins after it should've started, then spent another 15 mins promoting a poetry evening she's doing next week! Today's lesson was also not much cop - she presented some war poems but what we were supposed to learn from them I have no idea! This is after all meant to be a creative writing course in poetry not a poetry appreciation class! If it happens again, I will complain and seek a refund! After class, I went to Cass Arts as I needed a few bits for college and they were having a 20% off day. Then with my newly purchased A1 sketch pad under my arm - and how I wished I had longer arms! - I popped into the library to return my books and order a new one as they didn't have it in. I then had to find where they've moved the bus stop to get home. Once I got home I went straight out again to do the food shopping! Then I came home, had tea, and settled down to watch Paddington on Amazon.
College: as I type I don't envisage going into college tomorrow as I have a stinking cold! I'm thoroughly pissed off about this as the whole reason I got my flu jab was so I wouldn't get ill and miss college! I really don't want to get behind! I stress enough as it is! :( This morning, I worked on my sketch pads to get them up to date... As much use to me as that may be now! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Amore cleaning my kitchen. It was probably a health hazard before and it was lovely to come home and find it all cleaned for me! :)

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

18th November 2015

Love: When I entered the kitchen this morning I discovered Mia had opened the kitchen cupboard, torn apart the packet of Dreamies and scoffed them all! I'm willing to forgive it this once but she better not make a habit of it!
College: I never seem to get on top of things at college. As soon as I complete one part, I discover there's a shit load more to do and a shit load I should've done but haven't! It's depressing the hell out of me! :( However, there was some good news in my contextual studies lesson as my teacher loves my work! :) I meant to email her tonight to see if it's one of the subjects I can specialise in because the homework she sets is the only homework I enjoy doing! (Even though her teaching is thoroughly confusing!) When I got home after college and had my tea, I started to get more stuff into my sketchbooks and by 9:30pm I decided I'd done enough for one night! How I'm gonna cope at BA (Hons) level I have no idea! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is ending the night with cuddles with Mia. It's just the tonic after a day at college! :)

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

17th November 2015

Love: as I type I have Mia sat on my lap grooming herself. It's lovely that she feels that comfortable to do that. I'm really glad she's her normal self again after being a bit groggy yesterday as the anaesthetic was wearing off - not to mention the stress of going to the vet in itself!
Life: this morning I popped to Pets At Home to get some Dentastix for Mia but, contrary to what the vet said, they don't sell them. Instead I bought some granules you sprinkle on their food to counter the build up of plaque. The sales assistant said it was their most popular seller so I'm hoping it works. After college I popped into Big Love Sista studio for Hayli's baby shower. It was a lovely occasion and I'm glad I made time out of my hectic schedule for it because Hayli is lovely and I wouldn't be the confident, outgoing, person I am today without her encouragement. :)
College: today had its good bits: getting my weekend project accepted for my portfolio, a presentation on the fine art degree at UCLAN (it looks really good but it is competitive to get on it plus it is in Preston!)... and it's bad bits: more drama from the "high maintenance" student! I try to keep out of it but I do wonder what goes through some people's heads! When I got home I spent more time designing the logo for my brand design. We're meant to have three logos for next week - so much for 1hr homework per subject per week! It's beyond ridiculous now! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Hayli's baby shower. I'm really glad I made the effort to be part of it! I have a number of people who have made a huge positive difference to my life and Hayli is definitely one of them! :)

Monday, 16 November 2015

16th November 2015

Love: having Mia at the vets all day brought home to me how much I'm used to having her around. Goodness only knows what I'll do when the time comes that she's not! Hopefully, that won't happen for ten years or so!
Life: other than Mia and my college work, the only other thing I've done today is watch Netflix. I was glad to discover they have the first five series of Still Game on there, so I can catch up on episodes I missed. :)
College: with Mia at the vets, I was able to crack on with my college work. I spent all day painting my fashion illustrations. Then this evening I printed out stuff I need for my contextual studies lesson, my poems for Thursday and finished off my picture of sweets.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is having Mia home safe and sound. She means the world to me! <3

Sunday, 15 November 2015

15th November 2015

Love: I'm in the dog house! I accidentally shut Mia in the shed! Silly cat must've snuck in behind me when I wasn't looking! :(
Life: The workman came back yesterday morning to fix my shower screen he fitted. He found that there was a manufacturer error with it and replaced it for me. It now works perfectly! He also rang this morning to check I was still happy with it. I've had a number of workmen working on my house now and he's the first to impress me with the after-service. Usually I never hear from them again once I've paid them! Yesterday I also went to the Southport rock night with Jayne. She treated me to tea and the rock night ticket, which was lovely of her! :) it was a good night too - despite the crap sound system! And they even put a bit of effort into Midnight Madness after the previous few felt like they were just going through the motions. :) they also had a minutes silence for the victims in Paris. I bet not many discos would stop for a minutes silence! Today I have been finishing off my A1 picture of sweets. It's a huge collage but I'm really not happy with the end result. I showed it to Nikki though and she was very impressed with it, so maybe I'm just being overcritical. However, there wasn't such good news from Patricia - she's in hospital with pyelonephritis! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Nikki saying she liked my picture. I was really despondent with what I'd done but Nikki has given me some hope I haven't just wasted my weekend!

Friday, 13 November 2015

13th November 2015.

Love: yay! I ended this evening with really lovely cuddles with Mia! So delightful! :)
Life: this evening I picked up my Progynova prescription from the pharmacy and some gaffa and sellotape from B&Q. I then watched BBC iPlayer as the weather howled outside. It's so cold in my bedroom that I'm sleeping in 2 layers tonight!
College: today was another friday when we didn't have our makeup lesson. It's annoying because makeup was what I thought I might specialise in next year and I just wanna get on and see how interested I really am in it! :( In fashion we started designing stuff. I quite enjoyed it. I'm interested to know whether we'd be required to actually make stuff if I specialised in it next year - I presume you would but I haven't the first clue how to make clothes! I even struggle to sew on a button without them coming off a week later! We ended the college day with photography and were given a brief rundown on how a camera works. I have no real interest in the subject though and have already ruled it out for next year. Our weekend homework is to do an A1 mixed media picture of sweets. I have a whacky idea for it but am worried it's not really professional. I don't wanna turn up on Tuesday and be told to do it all again! But, on the other hand, I do wanna express myself on this course! So it's a bit of a dolemma!
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today is cuddles with Mia. Her affectionate nature really does make life worth living! :)

Thursday, 12 November 2015

12th November 2015

Love: it occurred to me this evening that John isn't hogging my thoughts as much as he used to. I still miss him of course - and this realisation did come to me whilst I was writing a poem about his death - but I suppose I'm glad of the distraction college is providing from my morbid thoughts.
Life: today I had a lie-in so didn't do the food shopping until this evening. In between times I went to my weekly poetry class.
College: we learned about sonnets today at my weekly poetry class. It was interesting to learn that they come in all shapes and sizes and aren't just something Shakespeare did. The only rule that seems to apply to all of them is that they have to be 14 lines long with the last stanza being 2 of them. That gives an awful lot of leeway with them! Fascinated, I set myself the challenge of writing one, never imagining it'd be as easy as its proved! I wrote 2 and a half sonnets tonight in just a few hours! I guess I'll pick just the strongest to present next week though. Don't want to completely over-swamp her!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is time with Mia. I'm so glad we're on talking terms and she's showing some affection to me again. How long it will last, considering I'm meant to be having another attempt at taking her to the vet on Monday, I can't say but I'll enjoy it whilst it does! :)

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

11th November 2015

Love: Mia and I seem to be on speaking terms again this evening. She was certainly enthusiastic to greet me when I got home from college, hopping over my A1 portfolio! I think it was probably the sardines I gave her for breakfast that did it! :)
College: This morning I arrived at my first class and was promptly instructed to see my tutor! As it turned out, it was because I'd had my design chosen as one of the final ones for the college Christmas card. I'm up against my friend, Patricia, so I don't really mind who wins (and I'm not just saying that because I think her design's better than mine. Honest!) I'd rather have not missed two of my lessons doing the card this morning though! Missing lessons does my anxiety no good whatsoever! :( After lunch we had contextual studies and we have to do more research before next class. I've done 3hrs tonight and feel like I'm only just skimming the surface of what I want! :( We finished the day with media and Patricia came up with some great ideas again! I can't wait to get filming it! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Mia and I being friends again. I don't know what I'd do without her! I hated us falling out! :(

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

10th November 2015

Love: Mia and I still aren't on speaking terms. She just comes to me for food and then keeps to herself. Maybe it will pass, I don't know. All I was trying to do was look after her health but how do you communicate that to a cat? :(
Life: This morning I had myself a lie in. Then I went to Liverpool library, wrote a poem and then went to see The Beatles Story on the docks. I got myself almost £5 off in student discount and the ticket is valid till Thursday so I might take myself to see the 4D experience if I get myself organised in time. The exhibition was pretty good - I particularly liked how they'd reconstructed things from Beatles history (eg the yellow submarine) to form a basis for the exhibits. It was quite imaginative in parts! :) after that, I came home and fed myself and Mia before writing another poem. So that's two to present to my teacher on Thursday now! :)
College: no college today as the tutors were on strike... but my anxiety is saying it was all a mistake and I will get bollocked tomorrow for not going in today! :(
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today was having a lie in. It was lovely! :)

Monday, 9 November 2015

9th November 2015

Life: this morning didn't start great. Mia woke me up at 5am and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. Then, at 8:00am, I was meant to take her to the vet for dental treatment but I just couldn't get her in her carrier! So we both ended up stressed and she was hissing at me and I ended up rescheduling the appointment. For the rest of the day, she's kept her distance. So I'm rather hoping all will be forgotten tomorrow. :( The afternoon was spent watching movies on Netflix and Amazon and tidying up my paperwork, ready for shredding a load of it.
College: I popped into college mid-morning to print off a load of stuff. I then came home again and sorted out my folders and sketchbooks. So I'm now up to date as I can be and can relax tomorrow when the tutors go on strike!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is getting up to date with college work. For the first time in almost two months I feel I can really relax - apart from my continual anxiety - even if it is for only one day!

Sunday, 8 November 2015

8th November 2015

Love: yesterday I joined Wapa. I don't expect to hear anything more from it as I made it deliberately off-putting to weed out time wasters.
Life: Yesterday I met up with Sonia, Pauline, Jayne and Sarah. It was the first time the 'old gang' had met up for ages! I should really have taken a photo - especially as one of my assignments this weekend was to photograph my weekend! Afterwards, I visited the Reality (boring) and Transformation (not much better) exhibitions at the Walker Gallery. The Transformation exhibition was a collection of dresses owned by a transvestite and it did please me to see some of them labelled as "man's dress". :) Today I have done the laundry and watched Amazon whilst doing my homework. I also watched Doctor Who over breakfast. It contained one of the best speeches about war I've ever seen in a drama. Rather poignant for Remembrance Sunday, I thought. Speaking of which, I changed my Facebook avatar to a football today to represent the time the soldiers played football instead of killing each other. I don't expect anyone picked up on that though!
College: this weekend I have leisurely attacked my homework. I'm glad of the extra day off (due to strikes) as its giving me time to really get on top of things whilst also having a little bit of a social life! No doubt we'll be expected to make up time next week though! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing this weekend is meeting up with the 'old gang' yesterday. It was a lovely couple of hours! :)

Friday, 6 November 2015

6th November 2015

Love: the morning started with cuddles with Mia. She's such a darling (most of the time!)! I love her to death! :)
Life: this evening I have worked on 4 canvases. I find working on several at once stops you getting bogged down and creating just for the sake of creating! I love them all in their own way - especially the face I started on Saturday! You'd never guess it was a landscape to start with! :)
College: most of today was working on our Christmas card designs because the Dean wanted to see them. We even missed make-up for it which disappointed me personally but no one else seemed bothered. Sometimes you just have to go with the majority decision. The college day ended with photography. I'm working with Patricia on our project and she had an inspired idea for our storyline! I can't wait to get storyboarding it! :) When I got home from college, I did my mood board for the project and also my Fashion homework and brand design homework. I really enjoyed looking at fashion illustration! It really opened my eyes to something I thought was passé. There's a wealth of creativity in it! :)
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today was working on my canvases. It was a lovely way to end the evening! :)

Thursday, 5 November 2015

5th November 2015

Love: my poetry teacher loved my poem I handed her last week. In fact, she said it was better than a published poet we looked at last week! That was really quite something! :)
Life: this morning I took my letter stating I'm a student to the One Stop Shop to get my council tax exemption sorted out. It was an easy process and, even better, they said the council owe me money! :) After that, I did the food shop and came home for a quick lunch before going to poetry class. After that, I came home and have had BBC iPlayer on whilst I did some homework. This evening was fireworks night of course. Fortunately, Mia doesn't seem bothered with all the loud bangs. Which is just as well, because they're still going off even now as I type! I'd ban the public sale of them if I could! I bet A&E as well as pet owners would thoroughly welcome such a move!
College: this evening I tackled my Studies homework. We were to design an item of clothing that had a social theme. I designed a pair of trousers covered in insults. I've called them Reclaim Trousers.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the high praise lavished on my poem. It gives me hope I could one day be a published poet! :)

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

4th November 2015

Love: not much love shown today. Not even Mia came for cuddles. :(
Life: I got home from college to find the upstairs toilet stuck on flush! I presume the workman must've used it and not found how to make it stop! Fuck knows how much water that'll have cost me! :( However, the work he done seems professional enough. So I'm happy enough with that even though he wants to come again tomorrow to finish off. (But, then again,I guess that's a sign of him wanting to do a good job and not just cutting and run!). This evening has also been another where I've not done any homework. I just couldn't be arsed with it tonight! :(
College: Sometimes it seems I take one step forward and two back! So by lunchtime my head was fucked! Then there were several massive barnies in the studies lesson all focusing around the one person! I guess when you have groups of people they're not always gonna get on but in all my days, I've never known anything like it! Not even in the high pressure environment of GMWN - and our boss could really tear strips off people! It was just plain nasty! So the less of that kind of thing that goes on the better imho!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the professionalism of the workman (toilet aside). It's nice to see someone take pride in their work and see that a good job's done. Some people could learn a thing or two from him!

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

3rd November 2015

Love: Lovely to end the evening with cuddles with Mia again. She's a sweet natured creature at heart really. Love her! <3
Life: I decided to grab the opportunity to go to Big Love Sista choir this evening. I probably shan't be able to go again before Christmas so it was all the more special for it. I really miss it! :( I also picked up my canvas I started on Saturday whilst I was there. It's interesting. Having another look at it tonight, I've completely changed my mind what I'm gonna do with it now! :)
College: I woke up this morning dreading returning to college. I had to ask myself why the fuck I'm putting myself through this! I have to say though that college does usually answer that question. It's pushing me to produce work - some of it the best I've ever done! I just don't like being pushed! Anyway, today was a good day cos I had 4 pieces taken off me for my portfolio. :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is getting my work accepted for my portfolio. It was reward for all the hard work I've put into this!

Monday, 2 November 2015

2nd November 2015

Love: it was lovely to catch up with my friend, Julie, today. I've not seen her in ages! Far too long in fact! :(
Life: this morning I went to see Inside Out at the cinema. I'd been wanting to watch it for ages but, being a kids film, I was put off by the prospect of being surrounded by loads of screaming kids! However, I figured today being a school day there probably wouldn't be that many there. Plus, as it was released in the summer, it was on offer at £3. So it seemed the ideal time to see it. It was an awesome film! I really enjoyed it! However, it also made me cry buckets plus gave me a revelation about memories: I have trouble remembering my life with John. This is hindered by them being sad memories which I shove back in hope of happy ones. Well, a part of Inside Out is about happy memories turning to sad. So I had a revelation that has probably happened to me too and, instead of holding back the sad memories, I should just allow them to come whether they're happy or sad! At least that way I hopefully get to remember our life together! After the cinema, I went and caught up with Julie. After that I came home and spent the afternoon painting 3 abstract canvases. Then I fed myself and Mia before wrapping some Christmas pressies because, the way college is, I figure this might be the only opportunity to do so before Christmas! I finished the evening by watching The Immitation Game on Amazon.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is catching up with Julie. I'm glad I have the luxury of friends in my life - I didn't always! - and it's lovely to have ones as lovely as Julie! :)

Sunday, 1 November 2015

1st November 2015

Love: lots of cuddles from Mia today. :)
Life: today I done the laundry, wrote a poem, fed myself and Mia, did my monthly accounts, Henryd and watched iPlayer and Netflix.
College: today I did my ID board.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is sorting out my accounts. After the scare with TalkTalk it was reassuring to see I hadn't had all my money nicked and, discounting college fees, actually broke even this month!

Saturday, 31 October 2015

31st October 2015

Love: today is my brother's birthday. My parents say we're like chalk and cheese and, it's true, I don't think I could live under the same roof as him without us driving each other crazy. He's still my brother though. So happy birthday, Phill!
Life: today was another day at heArt School. Today we were creating faces. However, by lunch break I could feel myself getting tense so I decided to do an abstract canvas just for the excuse to splat some paint on the canvas and release some of the tension! Talking of which, I figure the tension was created by the lovely atmosphere there is at the studio. It's a stark contrast to how I feel at college where I've quickly had to develop a thick skin to help me deal with it. By contrast, I feel safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable when I'm with my Sistas. So I feel the tension was created by me resisting allowing myself to be soft and vulnerable because I know in three days time I cannot be that way! Which, in reflection, is a huge shame. I'd like to see if there was some way to allow myself to be soft and vulnerable at college because that's when I feel empowered and real. After heArt School I went to my friend Sonia's birthday party. Like my brother, she's a Halloween baby too. It was a quiet affair - a home cooked meal with a few of her friends - but pleasant for it. :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is responding to my needs to release my tension. In the past, I didn't really listen to my body or pay attention to my needs. So it's a invaluable gift that Art From The Heart and Big Love Sista/Clare/heArt School has given me these last couple of years that I am now able to do that. :)

Friday, 30 October 2015

30th October 2015

Love: I had a dream last night. It hasn't come true yet.
Life: today the boiler man came to check it's working properly. He was meant to come between 12-4pm but turned up at 5:30pm without even an apology or explanation. Amore has also arrived today. I was meant to pick her up from the station but things went somewhat awry! :(
College: I spent 7 hours drawing logos today.
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing today is having Mia for company. She can drive me to distraction sometimes but today she kept me sane!

Thursday, 29 October 2015

29th October 2015

Love: I woke up this morning with the thought that I have too much to live for these days to really consider suicide. That was a lovely way to wake up! :)
Life: today, with the exception of my poetry class, I've not done a bit of college work. It is probably the first day this is the case since I started last month! However, my anxiety is not allowing me to enjoy it. :( True to his word, the 'damp man' dropped off his quote this morning. It's not as pricey as I feared but it's still in the hundreds! :( As mentioned, I had my weekly (I hope!) poetry class today. We did punctuation which was particularly useful to me as punctuation is one of my weaknesses. I also got feedback on last week's poem. I was praised for my choice of verbs and that it would be a poem everyone would enjoy. Considering it was about death - as much of my poetry is these days! - that made me wonder whether it'd been understood correctly! After class, I went via a fancy dress shop in town but when I saw them queueing around the block, I thought "fuck that!" and didn't bother. So I will be a Claire for Halloween. Be very afraid!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today was learning about punctuation. You never know when it might come in useful!

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

28th October 2015

Love: Mia still loves me. All is well with the world. :)
Life: today I met up with Ali who I used to work with at CAW. We've both gone our separate ways now - Ali to work for Golf England and me to do my degree. It was great to meet up - I like Ali a lot! She was one of the best amongst a great team at CAW! She also treated me to a mocha and cake, so that's another reason to like her! :) I also had a chap come around to look at the damp in the coat room and we think we've got to the source of the problem - my shower screen is letting water through and my bath isn't sealed properly, so the water is going through the floor and causing the damp. It's gonna be expensive to fix but, on the plus side, it isn't anything to panic about. This evening I watched a couple of films on Amazon. One of them was Invictus, which is about when South Africa hosted and won the 1995 Rugby World Cup. Obviously, Nelson Mandela is inspirational but not only for standing up to injustice but also for forgiving the injustice that was done to him and leading his country in forgiving the injustice that was done to the majority of its people. It made me reflect on how hard I find it to forgive - especially the injustice that was done to John - but if Mandela could forgive all that, then surely I can forgive too. And, like my grief counsellor said, "hate is a poison we end up taking ourselves".
College: today I did my visual merchandising concepts, finished my A1 drawing, got stuff cut and stuck in my make-up and visual merchandising sketchbooks, and also printed out my poem for tomorrow. It was a very productive day and I feel much nearer to getting on top of things than I did at the start of the week. :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is meeting up with Ali. I look forward to meeting up with her again near Christmas. :)

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

27th October 2015

Love: This is the umpteenth time I've been on an art college course but, unlike those times, this time I'm not interested in playing safe and trying to make myself employable. As a result, I'm getting far more out of it and producing work I love (even if I don't love the workload!) and playing safe never got me anywhere anyway!
Life: I treated myself to lunch today at Tokyou noodle bar. I had a huge plate of Tokyou noodles. Needless to say, after that I didn't feel like having much for tea. So just had paneer on muffins with mango pickle. Both meals were nom! :) After tea, I watched Doc Martin and Fargo, and had another look at the damp in my coat room. I had a plumber look at it a month or two ago and he didn't seem overly bothered but I think I need a second opinion! :(
College: I went to college this morning to print off a load of images. Somehow I have got through over 500 print credits in just over a month! I can't see them lasting to June at that rate! I then went up to our tutorial room and met a few others there and found I'd not really done the right thing for my Christmas card concepts. After that I went into town to the bombed out church to indulge myself in some street art and have some lunch. When I got home I sorted out my Christmas card concepts and then, this evening, sorted out my photography folder.
One thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is my little bit of street art. It gave me an insight into what it must be like for street artists to do their thing. It was a pure adrenaline rush! :)

Monday, 26 October 2015

26th October 2015

Love: Yep, Mia again. It's the only love I get these days so I do appreciate it! Cat or not!
Life: this evening I watched a couple of documentaries from the BBC archive. One was on the Ealing comedies and the other was about Dracula. They were both very good. :)
College: today I finished off my A2 drawing of shoes. I'm quite pleased with it but I'm sure my lecturer will tell me I can do better! This evening I also collated some images for various projects which I intend to print off at college (I'd rather use their ink than mine!) tomorrow.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is finishing my drawing. I had quite a sense of accomplishment finishing it as it took so long to do! I was reflecting this evening that college is pushing me to achieve things I wouldn't otherwise. I do need to be pushed out my comfort zone sometimes and college certainly does that!

Sunday, 25 October 2015

25th October 2015

Love: this evening I watched Stan - a drama in which Stan Laurel visits Oliver Hardy who is dying from cancer and has also suffered from strokes. In one bit of the movie, Hardy zones out and it made me remember when John used to do that during the last couple weeks of his life. I have no real words to describe how it affected me - to have a husband who was present in body but not in mind. Words like "upsetting" and "scary" just don't cover it! But remembering it made me cry again this evening.
Life: this morning I watched Doctor Who whilst I had my breakfast and then did the laundry and sprayed weedkiller on my weeds before getting stuck into my college work. This evening, having had my fill of college work for one day, I watched Stan, as I said.
College: I started the morning with doing another page of concepts for graphics. Then I started an A2 drawing of shoes I have to do. It's taking a lot longer than I hoped but by tea time I'd had enough so have left it for today. After tea, I did 5 pages of concept sketches for a Christmas card we have to design. I can't say any of them grab me! I also have to say I'm really disappointed how small a dent I've made this weekend in all the homework I have to do during half-term! Any hopes of having a more relaxed week have bit the dust! And to think this is only the entry level! Goodness only knows what the actual degree level's like!!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is cuddles with Mia again. It makes all the difference in the world to wind down just before bed with a bit of affection!

Saturday, 24 October 2015

24th October 2015

Love: Mia has been very subdued today. I expect it is because of her visit to the vets. As much as she disliked it, I hope she knows I did it because I love her and want her to be well.
Life: this morning I took Mia to the vet for her annual booster jab. Unfortunately, there were two undisciplined dogs in the waiting room and it must've scared Mia half to death because she was much more subdued than usual when the vet got to her. She was also given a check up and she's overweight and has an abscess on one of her teeth. So I'm gonna have to cut back on her rations and Dreamies. She was also sick this afternoon which I put down to her booster jab until I discovered cat fur around the toilet bowl! What is it with cats and drinking dirty water?!! This evening I wrote a poem for next week's class. It's called Amongst Stones. I also watched BBC iPlayer and an old Sherlock Holmes film on Amazon called The Woman In Green. They don't make them like that anymore! Thank goodness! It was basically a mash-up of several of the original stories but without any of the tension whatsoever! It was rubbish!
College: this afternoon I did my homework for graphics. I also wrote a list of all the things I have to do before the end of half-term. It's a long one!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is speaking to the nice Irish gentleman from the fraud office who was very patient with my enquiry and gave me some good advice to protect my money. It was a pleasure to speak to him and be so reassured.

Friday, 23 October 2015

23rd October 2015

Love: I've not really had much time with Mia this week so it was lovely for her to come for a cuddle this evening. It was a lovely way to unwind. :)
Life: today I awoke to the news that my internet provider, TalkTalk, had been hacked. I now fear the worst! Their response has been pretty slow too - I only got the email this evening! It doesn't say much for a company that you hear of a security breach on the news before the company themselves! It makes me want to swap but, sadly, I'm in an 18 month contract with them! :( This evening I also joined Amazon Student Prime so have lots more videos to watch and music to listen to! It's pretty timely because my Vodafone contract expires in December and I can't afford to maintain it any more and will have to go for a cheaper option which probably won't have the same freebies.
College: my favourite lesson today was make-up where we used wax to create fake wounds. I'm enjoying make-up more than I thought - especially the theatrical stuff! Whereas fashion, which I thought'd be more my thing, I haven't really got into yet. It shows the benefit of this course where you get a taster of all sorts and can see what really suits you! Even if it is incredibly hard going! On the downside, the bus home was a disaster tonight because the connecting bus was so late it was only marginally in front of the second one on the same route! I was stood there for 40 minutes waiting for a bus that should come every 20!! Then this evening I did my photo montage inspired by Barbara Kruger for contextual studies. So, baring actually printing it out, I've done all my contextual studies homework for half-term. So that's one less thing to worry about!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is cuddles with Mia. She may be a cat but I have to take my dose of affection where I can these days! And she's a lovely cat too! Even when she's being naughty!

Thursday, 22 October 2015

22nd October 2015

Love: Mia is a sweety! Even when she's being annoying! Even at 5am in the morning!!
Life: this morning I went for my flu jab before doing the shopping. With the way things are going, I feel that Tescos is wanting to become a community centre. However, it also feels that every time I go there, there is less of the things I actually want! After lunch I went into Liverpool to get some more art stuff (Cass Arts are doing very well out of me these days!) and go to my poetry lesson. My anxiety had been getting at me though since I missed last week. Needless to say all that I was dreading would happen, didn't. Instead I found it enjoyable and was glad I went. :)
College: today I have been finishing off my piece for contextual studies. I'm pleased with it but have left it under a pile of books to flatten out as it curled up when I painted it!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is conquering my anxiety to go to poetry class. I feel the more I do that, the more it'll sink in that my anxiety is just an illusion out to stop me being awesome! :D

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

21st October 2015

Love: for the most part, I loved college today. I don't expect it'll last so I'll just appreciate it for today.
College: So it was a 6am start today and I hadn't really slept that well because of the terrible weather through the night and my ankle hurting. So I woke up wanting to go straight back to sleep again and my anxiety was getting at me, so I really wasn't looking forward to college. But I remembered two weeks ago; the last Wednesday I'd felt the same but had actually enjoyed it. So I talked myself into going and, as I said, I enjoyed today. So I think that's a vote of confidence in college (maybe!). When I got home, I put together a collage for my contextual studies lesson in a fortnight (it's half-term next week).
Life: after getting home, I fed myself and Mia and watched Netflix (out of the corner of my eye) whilst doing my collage.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is my lecturer, Angela, who was in a real good mood today and got my morning off to a splendid start which pretty much set me up for the day then! :)

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

20th October 2015

Love: Mia is still the light of my life - especially on college days when she is a real tonic to my moral! <3
College: today was a hard day for me and I have to admit my concentration did not last the full day. It started with tutorial which I used to cut out some images for tomorrow. After lunch it was our drawing lesson and we had to do a still life. My muse wasn't really with me today so I struggled with it. I also got feedback on my A1 drawing and I was praised for it but essentially told it was too woolly and needed to sharpen it up a bit. It may sound naive but it made me realise that a key part of learning isn't just to do well but to have the desire to improve. We were also given a ton of homework for half term next week. After that it was graphics and we did typography and again, as naive as it sounds, I realised its not good enough to know stuff but to demonstrate that I know it. I also stayed an hour afterwards to print off more images for tomorrow and again had a nightmare with the computer! When I got home and fed myself and Mia, I then did more work on my sketch pads.
Life: this evening, I had to do Mia's flea and worming treatments and thank goodness for Dreamies! I'd tried hiding her worming pill in her food before but she sometimes managed to find it and leave it half chewed! Well, tonight I just placed it among some Dreamies in my hand and she wolfed the lot down as usual without even noticing the pill! The flea treatment was the usual game of waiting for her to come sit on my lap and do it then. It takes patience but it works.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is doing this blog, actually, because I came to bed depressed and doing the blog has allowed me to unload and get a few of those worries out of my head where they do the most damage!

Monday, 19 October 2015

19th October 2015

Love: For me, self-love isn't about ego. It's about looking after myself so I can function better. With the way college is, it's more important to do that than ever! It's one of the best things I've learned from Big Love Sista (who I miss terribly at the moment, not being able to get involved because of college!).
Life: today was meant to be a day off college but I had stuff I wanted to do, so I went in anyway. When I got home again, I fed myself and Mia and watched Netflix.
College: I got to college about 9:30am and went to find out what was going on with my enrolment. It turned out I was due an email. So I left it and went to the library to print off a load of images and had a total nightmare! The college has a rule about bad language so I was lucky really I wasn't spoken to because I was swearing my head off under my breath! (Anyone who's seen me when IT malfunctions will know what I'm talking about!) in the end I went and got the librarian and he started swearing too, so it wasn't just me! In the end I was moved to a different computer and got it sorted but not before I'd used up valuable print credit on wasted paper! After that I looked at my email and found I'd got what I'd been waiting for and enrolled and then paid half my fees. So that's me commited (in a lunatic asylum!) until June next year! After having lunch at the college canteen, I went into Liverpool to research vintage clothes shops for my visual merchandising class and then came home. After tea, I ended the evening doing more work on my sketch pads (almost up to date with them now!).
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is giving myself a break this afternoon. I was tempted to launch straight into more work when I got home but I was firm and said "no. This is me time now". I'm glad I'm taking looking after myself seriously these days. :)

Sunday, 18 October 2015

18th October 2015

Love: Tonight I'm loving me! :)
Life: other than college work I've done the laundry, hoovered, fed myself and Mia and watched BBC iPlayer and Netflix. The film I watched on Netflix was The Angriest Man In Brooklyn, starring Robin Williams, which is not the greatest movie ever made. As everyone must surely know, Robin Williams committed suicide August last year and there's a bit in the movie where his character throws himself off the Brooklyn bridge trying to commit suicide. It reminded me that 2 and a half years ago, I too wanted to throw myself off a bridge and how far I've come since then. I've lived a lot in that time! It's pretty incredible to think how I've transformed myself and my life! I've been tempted many times but I'm the woman who wouldn't quit! I think that's the story of my life - certainly since 2010 - I keep digging deep and pushing forwards. I'm proud of myself! :)
College: so I started this morning by finishing off my tonal drawing. I'm pretty darned chuffed with it! I honestly didn't know I could draw that well! But I've a lot of knowledge to draw on now - from my art teacher back in Poole telling me to draw the insides rather than the outsides, to Clare telling me to stay relaxed and lots more besides, it all helps! :) After the drawing, I scanned some images for my interior design project and then, this evening, I've done some more work on my sketch pads. It's been a busy day! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the tonal drawing. I've come close to quiting my course these last 3 weeks but when I saw that drawing it was all worth it! I'm not saying I'm gonna now be all sweetness and light but I do see the value of me doing this course and it is worth the asking price! :)

Saturday, 17 October 2015

17th October 2015

Love: poor old Mia is feeling neglected again. There's not much I can do about it at the moment except love her as much as I can.
College: at 10am I started on my tonal drawing and by 5pm, I'd done maybe about half of it but was too tired to continue. After tea I started updating my sketchbooks because I'm fed up of scrap bits of paper lying loose in my notebook. I found it quite therapeutic and it was a nice way to end the day.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is time with Mia. I think it's becoming precious to both of us what time we can get together these days. Cuddles are unbeatable as a stress buster too! <3

Friday, 16 October 2015

16th October 2015

Love: tonight I'm loving my tutor because she gave us the best piece of news that has taken considerable weight off my mind! :)
Life: other than college, I've fed me and Mia and watched BBC iPlayer. Now I'm very tired and ready for bed.
College: so this morning I got in an hour early to print off some images. Then I went to our fashion lesson where my mood board was approved and I had fun pulling materials apart and through things. Our tutor also told us that some of our lecturers - one name was mentioned specifically - are giving us far too much homework and that drawing communication was what we need to be focusing on rather than any one specialism. It was such a weight off my mind to hear that because, as I've said this week, the homework we were given for interior design was flipping ridiculous! So my plan is to do as I've been told - focus on drawing communication, do what I can on the other subjects and then, if I get any hassle, I can justify it and know my tutor has my back! Yay! :) The downside is we were set a mammoth piece of homework to do an A1 tonal drawing of clothes on a hanger which is a logistical challenge for a start and it took me 2 hours to do just a 5x5" tonal drawing! So I set that up (the clothes on a hanger) when I got home - which I envisage I will be spending all weekend looking at! After fashion class, we then had make up and we had fun with latex making each other look like zombies! It was a very enjoyable lesson! And we finished the afternoon with photography and had a tutorial on some simple-ish Photoshop techniques. This evening I have also tried to get my photos off my camera again which I've now ended up creating a Flickr account for.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the piece of news I got off my tutor. It really made my day to hear that! :)

Thursday, 15 October 2015

15th October 2015

Love: more affection from Mia today. I was getting it in short bursts today. I must obviously have upset her somehow.
Life: other than college work there was... Doing the grocery shopping and my poetry class today took a burton and, to be honest, I probably won't be starting it again. It's not the most money I've ever wasted but it is a big disappointment that I can't fit time in to do it as I hoped. One of the criteria for doing my degree was that it wouldn't clash with my poetry course. Like much of this degree, things haven't worked out as hoped. :( I'll see how things are shaping up next week and hope I'll be able to defer if it really isn't gonna happen this side of Christmas.
College: I started my college work at 8:45am this morning by travelling out to Bebington Library to view and record its architecture as inspiration for my interior design project. After that, I visited B&Q to pick up paint samples for the same project. Then I came home and, after unpacking the groceries, I started on my mood board for my fashion project. It was taking longer than expected so I ended up cancelling my poetry class (see above). After feeding myself and Mia our tea, I went into Liverpool to pick up some art materials for interior design class. After coming home, I practiced 'the perfect red lip' for make-up class and took photos as evidence. However, when I came to email photos to myself so I could get them on the computer to print out, it wouldn't do it. I've tried a hard reset but no joy. So fuck knows what I do now if I can't get all my photos (for all my classes, not just make-up!) off my phone! :( Update: I had another play and I'm having to do it photo by photo but at least I'm transferring them.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is doing all the work for interior design. It's my least favourite lesson and I have no intention of specialising in it, but doing all that work means there's less to worry about (but I'm only just touching the tip of the iceberg for what that lesson requires this week! It's fucking ridiculous!).

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

14th October 2015

Love: I had a talk with my tutor today. It was very useful. I wouldn't say I loved it but it's the closest I'm gonna get to it today!
Life: After college I came home, fed myself and Mia and, other than college work, that was it.
College: So another day at college and one of my lecturers is doing my head in! They have totally unrealistic expectations of what can be achieved in a week - especially as my tutor said she's the one that should be giving the most homework not this blinking nutbag! - and she talks at a million words a second with ideas going off everywhere, so you never catch everything she says! So, as I said, I had a talk with my lecturer and discovered she expects us to be doing 20 hours of homework a week. With the hours we are at college, that's more than a full time job! And, unlike a job, I have to pay for it! So much for the 3 days a week I was shown on the timetable! However, on the upside, it does confirm I'm doing about the right amount of work BUT I need to be thinking of this as my full-time occupation and start treating it as such! Properly set myself a timetable to start at 9am to do a 8 hour shift on 2 days of my days off, and then a 4 hour shift on one of my remaining 2 days off! I will see how things pan out tomorrow when I get feedback on my poetry class, but that might be falling victim to this rota very soon! Otherwise, I'm only gonna be getting half a day off a week! :( On the upside, I've been told this is only up to Christmas and then things quieten down a bit for the rest of the year. So that's my goal to aim for - to last till Christmas! Also... College/UCLan haven't sorted out my enrolment yet! But, as my tutor says, they'll soon sort it out when I go to pay them next week (otherwise they won't get no money!).
One Thing: So the one thing I'm choosing today is having a chat with my tutor about college. It's clarified things for me and I may not like it or be what I was hoping for but at least I'm in the picture now (no pun intended!).

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

13th October 2015

Love: well, it's been a few weeks but today is the first day I can say I've loved! Here's hoping I have a few more before Christmas!
Life: it's just coming up to 8pm and I'm just going to bed. I am soooo tired!
College: today we went to Tate Liverpool to look at the Jackson Pollock exhibition. I saw it about a month ago but it was good to see it again. I think I appreciated more of it this time too. Having done abstract painting myself now, I know it's not as easy as it looks! I really like the movement and use of colour in his paintings! :) After the Tate we went next door to the Museum of Liverpool to see Glam Up North which also was great! All the work is being auctioned off to raise money for Claire House next month - I don't imagine for a minute I'd be able to afford any of it! But it's a great cause to be raising money for! As there's lots in the museum, it seemed criminal to leave without having a look. So look we did! So that was college today and I managed to get home for 3pm. I was tempted to do more college work when I got home but I was firm with myself and determined that today was going to be a day of rest (if you don't count my Make Up homework of watching Seven). I feel it was the right decision because, as I say, I'm exhausted!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the fact I'm going to bed happy! It's been a while and I deserve it! :)