Sunday, 31 May 2015

31st May 2015

Love: if this stupid blog/phone worked properly, you'd be seeing a photo of Mia asleep here. It doesn't, so you can't! But she is absolutely adorable and looks so cute when she's curled up asleep! Unfortunately, she seems to be sulking with me again. :(
Life: today I have been up for 12 hours and have decided that's enough for one day. I went to a LGBT writing group earlier that's just being set up. The meeting was really positive so I'm quite hopeful for it. :)
Career: "I surrender"
Cards On The Table: I'm scared. I've quit looking for a job because I haven't the emotional and mental strength to put together an application nor face an interview. So, in accepting that truth, I've decided to not look for a job. As stated, I asked for my purpose on Friday evening. The answer was "you have a spare room and there are people stuck in care/homeless - especially the LGBT - so why not offer your room out/foster?". So that is what I'm currently investigating. The intrinsic problems of this scare me. So I've tried to talk myself out of it but I know what my purpose is and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to realise my purpose. On Friday I also decided to let what will be be at CX GIC (ie not pursue things and let them forget me, if that is what is on the cards). I feel in my heart that surgery will never be right nor wrong for me; that I cannot make a right or a wrong decision about this. So it seems pointless to invest energy/emotion that I don't have in this. So that is what I mean by "I surrender" - I don't just mean it for my career. It seems I have reached a point in my life where I have neither the mental or emotional strength to invest in my life anymore. So the message/choice that seems abundantly clear to me is that I must surrender myself to whatever is going to happen. And that scares me. So I've asked for counselling. But, right now, I need someone to tell me I've not lost my mind; that what I'm doing is sensible. I know no one can predict the future but I sure would like some comfort/love right now too.