Monday, 4 May 2015

May 4th 2015

Today I had a revelation. Of late I've been feeling tired and just want to sleep. I've been feeling exhausted and didn't know why. Recognising some of the symptoms, I reckoned I was fighting something but couldn't really put my finger on it.
Well, watching The C Word (starring Sheridan Smith) gave me my answer - I was fighting the truth.
I've been censoring myself for fear of what reaction it will bring. So my answer is to start blogging daily my thoughts on my life. 
In doing so. I want to avoid the traps I've fallen into previously; of setting myself up as a sage or a hero or brave or any of that other shit that ends up doing my head in!
And I'm also going to try to be honest and not censor myself for fear of hurting anyone's feelings. After all, I am not anyone's nanny and we are all really responsible for our own feelings anyway!
I'm gonna start with three basic headings: Love, Life, Career - but it might be that I add and delete more as and when I see fit. 
I'm also not promising it'll be the most interesting blog you'll ever read. In fact, it might be one of the most boring!
Love: I fall between wanting to be in a relationship with someone, not being over John yet (will I ever be?!!), being confused by the fact that I now find myself fancying women for the first time in my life and not interested in men (I'm told hormones can fuck with your sexuality so I'm putting it down to that), and being scared of being broken hearted again. It's confusing and I get pulled all kinds of ways and it gets me down.
Life: I'm fighting depression again. It happens every May. Dunno why! If it were to happen any month, I'd have thought it'd be April but, no, it seems to be May that does my head in! There has been some joy this weekend, seeing friends, but, overall, I'm just getting through.
Career: Last month I was given official notice that funding has not been secured for my job so, come July, I could very well be unemployed again. So I'm job hunting again and, to be honest, it's a struggle to muster up much enthusiasm for it - despite the threat of imminent redundancy! I'm just so tired of the rug being pulled from under my feet! I feel like karma's really got it in for me - for fuck knows why! - and part of me just wants to give up now.
Addendum: There is a little more to the story of this 'reboot'... Yesterday, as we driving to Yorkshire Sculpture Park, Cath asked about my husband, John, and I responded that he'd died, to which she apologised. I then said "it was two years ago now, its fine" and she called me out on that which, I recognise now, was the beginning of the wake up call that The C Word provided the majority of. Plus credit also has to go to Michelle who responded to my outburst on Facebook this morning with "Preach" and now I am doing.