Tuesday, 17 December 2013

I Find Myself Trapped Within Myself And Thus Desire Myself To Be Myself

Unbelievably, even though I, myself, am Trans, I don't feel I know all that there is to know about being Trans! (I know! Unbelievable isn't it!)
So I like to educate myself periodically however I can in hopes I'll expand my knowledge and find some answers to my many questions. Certainly, I have never found a single thing said or written about Trans identities to be boring!
My Transgender Punk Rock Story, certainly was no exception. Presented by Paris Lees, (The Independent On Sunday's Most Influential LGBT Person Of The Year), it was an overview of Laura Jane Grace, who is a Punk Rock singer for a band called Against Me! and both Paris and Laura were informative and eloquent in what they had to say.
I came away with quite a different conception of Punk Rock (who seem far more tolerant of Trans identities than supposed "polite society") and a better understanding of myself for I now identify with the phrase "Trapped in the wrong body".
In the past, rather than feeling "trapped in the wrong body", I have felt trapped by expectations to be male.
However, with a train of thought started by this program, I have concluded that I am indeed "Trapped in the wrong body".
My own sense of self dictates that my body is male but my identity is female. Knowing that my body can be changed but my identity can not, persuades me that it is my body where the error lies rather than with my identity. Thus I conclude that I am trapped in the wrong body.
I am also persuaded that society - when it knows that I have a male body - expects me to be male even if my identity is female and that failure to meet these expectations does not go unpunished. And so, again, I feel that I am trapped in the wrong body.
As you might imagine, being trapped in a conflict within myself and with society isn't much fun and thus I have concluded that I must break free of the trap. In doing so, I have answered my long burning question about whether I really wanted to be on the "gender reassignment pathway" or not.
To that regard, I expect to be having a short stay in Brighton within the next few years.