Sunday, 18 May 2014

What Was Then And How I Got To Now Will Not Be The Future Or How I Get There

What follows is solely my view about myself...
Ever since I was a child, (I can remember as far back as 8 years old and there are memories that go even further back to when I was 4 years old but, naturally, memories from such a young age are not 100% reliable), I felt deep inside my core that I would be happier living as a female.
This was confirmed whenever I dressed as a female and proved 100% accurate when I finally transitioned 29 years later (and there was a lot of self-loathing and confusion in those 29 years!) in 2010.
Now, when I talk about transition, I don't mean that I transitioned from male to female. For I don't believe I was male before I transitioned... but neither do I believe I was female before I transitioned.
Rather I believe I had no definable gender identity before I transitioned and only discovered it afterwards.
Or, to put it another way: I didn't feel that I was male. Instead, I felt deep kinship with females and that I would probably be happier living as a female but at no point did I actually identify as female. Female was just the closest thing to what I felt I was (and this is partly why I also don't believe gender identity is binary).
Now I have transitioned, I have lived comfortably as a female for four years, the inner voice that tormented me ever since I hit puberty has gone quiet, and I have educated myself infinitely more about gender identity. As a result, I now happily identify as female (and this is partly why I also believe gender identity is fluid).
Thus, since my female identity only started 4 years ago, I do not believe I have any significant heritage as a female. After all, compared to cis (non-Trans) women of my age, I am a mere toddler in my development as a female!
So I quite understand why some people would baulk if I claimed heritage I do not have but, at the same time, I also resent any attempt to use my heritage against me for, as far as I'm concerned, that is kind of like asking someone who used to wait on tables to be a waiter even now they've now qualified as a heart surgeon (even if they do still work around tables!).
Furthermore, my heritage as an identified man is deeply regrettable to me and thus I would not seek to use it to any kind of advantage for the simple fact that I don't see it as any kind of advantage! Quite the reverse!
So I would therefore ask that everyone respects that my heritage is history and keeps it that way.