There is so much wrong in the world that I feel lost and useless in the face of it all.
Is there a solution?
Let me not forget that at the end of May last year, when I had lost the one man who had truly given my life meaning and I felt in danger of falling out of the world I'd sunk to the bottom of, I recognised there was no one to give my life meaning but me anymore and I started to claw my way back.
Only when you understand the question can you stand a chance of getting the answer right.
Sunday, 24 August 2014
Friday, 15 August 2014
Apples
If a farmer grows an apple tree and then someone comes along, picks one of the apples, throws it at someone else, hitting them in the head and leaving a painful bruise is it fair for the victim to blame the farmer for growing the apple tree?
If perhaps someone picks another apple from the tree, poisons it and feeds it to their enemy causing them to die a painful death is it fair for the victim's family to blame the farmer for growing the apple tree?
After all, without the farmer growing the apple tree there are no apples with which to cause harm to others.
But what of all the other apples that weren't used to cause harm? The ones that were used to nourish a starving family? The ones that were used to earn enough money at market for the farmer to keep his own family from starvation? Do they not weigh in the farmer's favour against the ones used to cause harm?
The truth of the matter is not in the growing of the tree or the apple but in what use the tree and the apple is put to.
It is the same with words - where the apple is the word, the tree is the language it arose from.
Just as an apple can be used for good and bad so can words.
Whether you use a word in a negative or positive way, take responsibility for your action.
Whether you interpret a word in a negative or positive way, take responsibility for your action.
Furthermore, except in the most literal sense, if you use a word in a negative way but someone else uses that same word in a positive way, do not seek to stop it's positive use for that is unjust.
And, again except in the most literal sense, if you interpret a word in a negative way but someone else interprets that same word in a positive way, do not seek to stop it's positive interpretation for that is also unjust.
If perhaps someone picks another apple from the tree, poisons it and feeds it to their enemy causing them to die a painful death is it fair for the victim's family to blame the farmer for growing the apple tree?
After all, without the farmer growing the apple tree there are no apples with which to cause harm to others.
But what of all the other apples that weren't used to cause harm? The ones that were used to nourish a starving family? The ones that were used to earn enough money at market for the farmer to keep his own family from starvation? Do they not weigh in the farmer's favour against the ones used to cause harm?
The truth of the matter is not in the growing of the tree or the apple but in what use the tree and the apple is put to.
It is the same with words - where the apple is the word, the tree is the language it arose from.
Just as an apple can be used for good and bad so can words.
Whether you use a word in a negative or positive way, take responsibility for your action.
Whether you interpret a word in a negative or positive way, take responsibility for your action.
Furthermore, except in the most literal sense, if you use a word in a negative way but someone else uses that same word in a positive way, do not seek to stop it's positive use for that is unjust.
And, again except in the most literal sense, if you interpret a word in a negative way but someone else interprets that same word in a positive way, do not seek to stop it's positive interpretation for that is also unjust.
Above all, take responsibility for your actions - even if they are involuntary.
Monday, 4 August 2014
Shame!
This summer I have so far participated in 3 Prides (if you count Sparkle as a Pride) and I may be getting a fussy bugger as I get older but only one of them filled me with pride and mostly for the one reason: I felt all but one of them was exclusionary.
Now, I broach this with some trepidation because I have been met with some considerable hostility when I've voiced my opinion about this subject this summer. In fact, I've been bullied into (a short) silence and lost a number of friendships over it. But, anyway, let us start at the beginning...
I went to Sparkle at the beginning of July. I went on the Friday and the Sunday but not the Saturday.
On Friday, I met up with some friends and we went for a meal and, in truth, saw very little of Sparkle.
On the Sunday I arrived in the afternoon, met up with some friends and went to the Sparkle Closing Meal.
Over the weekend, having had a look at the program of events and judging from my own experience of this year's Sparkle, I concluded that Sparkle had come up short of my expectations of something that bills itself as the "National Transgender Celebration" because I felt it only gave token regard to the full Transgender spectrum and concentrated almost exclusively on the female spectrum.
In doing so, I exempted my friends from blame (knowing how hard they'd worked on things) and pointed to what I call the "Tranniati" - the clique who lord it over everyone else - as those I held responsible.
That did not stop all but one of my friends who had been involved in organising it from taking what I said very personally indeed.
I was shocked at the level of abuse I received and I ended a number of friendships because of it because, in my world, friends don't treat each other like that.
To go further, I thought it incredibly unprofessional of them.
In the professional world, if you're ill and can't fulfil your obligations, you ask for help and get someone else to take up the slack. In the professional world you don't personally abuse your customers when they complain. In the professional world, if a customer says that things aren't as they expected, you don't reply, "Well, if you think you can do any better, come and do it yourself!".
The reason why should be obvious: If you upset your customers, they tend to go elsewhere.
That is certainly the case with me - I have been upset, I am still upset, and I will not be going back to Sparkle next year.
The second of the two Prides that I felt was exclusionary was this weekend's Liverpool Pride.
The reason why can be pointed almost entirely at it's decision to charge for 99% of it.
I am certain that in some people's minds they think LGBT people are affluent (e.g. "The Pink Pound") but, actually, this is a myth. Research has shown time and time again that poverty is at higher rates amongst LGBT people than the rest of society.
To me, this is logical. Even in this country, LGBT people are likely to face prejudice on a daily basis. Prejudice that causes them to be kicked out of their homes by their families (and sometimes by their unscrupulous landlord) and prejudice that prevents them from getting a job.
In fact, poverty is at such a scale amongst LGBT people that it is being investigated by The World Bank!
And, yet, the organisers of nearly every Pride in this country are charging LGBT people to attend their own Pride - an event that should be about all LGBT people coming together in unity and celebration!
And the prices aren't cheap either!
Brighton Pride charges £17.50, Manchester Pride charges £15 (for a day ticket), and Liverpool Pride now charges £11! How are the homeless and unemployed meant to afford those prices?!! Especially if they're having to pay for the whole family!
When I asked Liverpool Pride why it was now charging for what was a free event, I got the following two answers:
Now I can understand that the police need to be paid for their work but to me this is a smokescreen because the public weren't asked to pay for the police when the Giants visited Liverpool last week and, according to the BBC (28/7/2014), millions of people lined the streets! Neither were they asked to pay for the police when tens of thousands of people turned up for the Mersey River Festival every day for the three days of it's duration! In fact, if you cast your net further afield to The Notting Hill Carnival - the largest street festival in Europe with a duration of two days - and discover that is free also, you begin to wonder why LGBT people are being singled out to pay for police stewardship of their event. Surely, it couldn't be homophobia in this day and age???
I can understand that in this day and age celebrities don't tend to work for free but, again, this is a smokescreen because they also say that Pride needs to have the big names on the bill to get people to come.
That is palpable nonsense! I know of no Pride that was boycotted because there weren't any celebrities on the bill... but I do know plenty of Prides that have been boycotted because they charged for the event!
It also conveniently overlooks the fact that the Mersey River Festival provided three days of named entertainment for free and, again if we look at The Notting Hill Carnival, that provides two days with the world's biggest names on the bill every year for free!
So the excuses offered for why Liverpool Pride had to charge this year just don't add up.
Instead, perhaps we need to ask why, as reported to me, Liverpool City Council cut it's funding for Pride this year if it is supposedly proud to have a Pride in it's city? Why are they happy to dish out money to other events but not Pride?
Another factor to consider is that charging for Pride also leads to segregation.
This was all too palpable at this year's Liverpool Pride. The community area was in the free zone and everything else was behind barriers in the paid for zone. That was segregation in action. In fact, the segregation was intensified this year by splitting the Trans stuff off into a "Genderbread Tent", so that the end result, it felt like to me and others, was that the T was effectively lopped off from the LGB at what was supposed to be a LGBT Pride!
As mentioned before, Pride should be about all LGBT people coming together in unity and celebration - not split up into various factions depending on their finances and gender identity!
Charging for Pride also leads to "otherism".
Pride should be an opportunity for us to further relationships with the society we live in, thereby increasing understanding of one another and removing whatever stigmas there may be.
Whereas charging for Pride and putting it behind barriers and eight foot fences makes people think Pride is a private event for LGBT people only; they feel unwelcome and decide not to come. And the end result of that is that they don't see that we're much the same as them, celebrate in the same way and whatever stereotype has formed in their minds is not challenged or eradicated.
By charging for Prides we are missing a golden opportunity to further LGBT rights and instead pushing LGBT people back into the closet! It is nothing at all to gloat about!!
So to the Pride that I was proud to be part of...
Two weekends ago I went to Trans Pride in Brighton. It was the country's second Trans Pride (the first being the year before) and Europe's first ever Trans Pride march!
I attended on the Saturday and the Sunday. On Saturday we had the march, which had 450 people attend it and was awesome, and then the main event was a festival (with 1900 attendees) in one of the city's parks with community tents in the same area as the entertainment. Afterwards, there was an after Pride party at a community arts venue which got so busy we spilled out onto the streets!
Then on the Sunday we had a beach party and a pool party...
None of the events were hidden away from the public behind eight foot fences and all of it was free or donation based (aka free if you couldn't afford anything).
We were out in the community at community venues and I really don't understand why all Prides aren't like this.
If you want LGBT people to be accepted into society then you don't exclude society from LGBT events!
And if you want Pride to be an event for all LGBT people to come together in unity and celebration, as I do, then you make the events inclusive and do nothing to exclude anyone!
What, exactly, is so hard to grasp?
Now, I broach this with some trepidation because I have been met with some considerable hostility when I've voiced my opinion about this subject this summer. In fact, I've been bullied into (a short) silence and lost a number of friendships over it. But, anyway, let us start at the beginning...
I went to Sparkle at the beginning of July. I went on the Friday and the Sunday but not the Saturday.
On Friday, I met up with some friends and we went for a meal and, in truth, saw very little of Sparkle.
On the Sunday I arrived in the afternoon, met up with some friends and went to the Sparkle Closing Meal.
Over the weekend, having had a look at the program of events and judging from my own experience of this year's Sparkle, I concluded that Sparkle had come up short of my expectations of something that bills itself as the "National Transgender Celebration" because I felt it only gave token regard to the full Transgender spectrum and concentrated almost exclusively on the female spectrum.
In doing so, I exempted my friends from blame (knowing how hard they'd worked on things) and pointed to what I call the "Tranniati" - the clique who lord it over everyone else - as those I held responsible.
That did not stop all but one of my friends who had been involved in organising it from taking what I said very personally indeed.
I was shocked at the level of abuse I received and I ended a number of friendships because of it because, in my world, friends don't treat each other like that.
To go further, I thought it incredibly unprofessional of them.
In the professional world, if you're ill and can't fulfil your obligations, you ask for help and get someone else to take up the slack. In the professional world you don't personally abuse your customers when they complain. In the professional world, if a customer says that things aren't as they expected, you don't reply, "Well, if you think you can do any better, come and do it yourself!".
The reason why should be obvious: If you upset your customers, they tend to go elsewhere.
That is certainly the case with me - I have been upset, I am still upset, and I will not be going back to Sparkle next year.
The second of the two Prides that I felt was exclusionary was this weekend's Liverpool Pride.
The reason why can be pointed almost entirely at it's decision to charge for 99% of it.
I am certain that in some people's minds they think LGBT people are affluent (e.g. "The Pink Pound") but, actually, this is a myth. Research has shown time and time again that poverty is at higher rates amongst LGBT people than the rest of society.
To me, this is logical. Even in this country, LGBT people are likely to face prejudice on a daily basis. Prejudice that causes them to be kicked out of their homes by their families (and sometimes by their unscrupulous landlord) and prejudice that prevents them from getting a job.
In fact, poverty is at such a scale amongst LGBT people that it is being investigated by The World Bank!
And, yet, the organisers of nearly every Pride in this country are charging LGBT people to attend their own Pride - an event that should be about all LGBT people coming together in unity and celebration!
And the prices aren't cheap either!
Brighton Pride charges £17.50, Manchester Pride charges £15 (for a day ticket), and Liverpool Pride now charges £11! How are the homeless and unemployed meant to afford those prices?!! Especially if they're having to pay for the whole family!
When I asked Liverpool Pride why it was now charging for what was a free event, I got the following two answers:
- It needs to pay the police to provide security for the event.
Now I can understand that the police need to be paid for their work but to me this is a smokescreen because the public weren't asked to pay for the police when the Giants visited Liverpool last week and, according to the BBC (28/7/2014), millions of people lined the streets! Neither were they asked to pay for the police when tens of thousands of people turned up for the Mersey River Festival every day for the three days of it's duration! In fact, if you cast your net further afield to The Notting Hill Carnival - the largest street festival in Europe with a duration of two days - and discover that is free also, you begin to wonder why LGBT people are being singled out to pay for police stewardship of their event. Surely, it couldn't be homophobia in this day and age???
- It needs to charge to attract the big names that come.
I can understand that in this day and age celebrities don't tend to work for free but, again, this is a smokescreen because they also say that Pride needs to have the big names on the bill to get people to come.
That is palpable nonsense! I know of no Pride that was boycotted because there weren't any celebrities on the bill... but I do know plenty of Prides that have been boycotted because they charged for the event!
It also conveniently overlooks the fact that the Mersey River Festival provided three days of named entertainment for free and, again if we look at The Notting Hill Carnival, that provides two days with the world's biggest names on the bill every year for free!
So the excuses offered for why Liverpool Pride had to charge this year just don't add up.
Instead, perhaps we need to ask why, as reported to me, Liverpool City Council cut it's funding for Pride this year if it is supposedly proud to have a Pride in it's city? Why are they happy to dish out money to other events but not Pride?
Another factor to consider is that charging for Pride also leads to segregation.
This was all too palpable at this year's Liverpool Pride. The community area was in the free zone and everything else was behind barriers in the paid for zone. That was segregation in action. In fact, the segregation was intensified this year by splitting the Trans stuff off into a "Genderbread Tent", so that the end result, it felt like to me and others, was that the T was effectively lopped off from the LGB at what was supposed to be a LGBT Pride!
As mentioned before, Pride should be about all LGBT people coming together in unity and celebration - not split up into various factions depending on their finances and gender identity!
Charging for Pride also leads to "otherism".
Pride should be an opportunity for us to further relationships with the society we live in, thereby increasing understanding of one another and removing whatever stigmas there may be.
Whereas charging for Pride and putting it behind barriers and eight foot fences makes people think Pride is a private event for LGBT people only; they feel unwelcome and decide not to come. And the end result of that is that they don't see that we're much the same as them, celebrate in the same way and whatever stereotype has formed in their minds is not challenged or eradicated.
By charging for Prides we are missing a golden opportunity to further LGBT rights and instead pushing LGBT people back into the closet! It is nothing at all to gloat about!!
So to the Pride that I was proud to be part of...
Two weekends ago I went to Trans Pride in Brighton. It was the country's second Trans Pride (the first being the year before) and Europe's first ever Trans Pride march!
I attended on the Saturday and the Sunday. On Saturday we had the march, which had 450 people attend it and was awesome, and then the main event was a festival (with 1900 attendees) in one of the city's parks with community tents in the same area as the entertainment. Afterwards, there was an after Pride party at a community arts venue which got so busy we spilled out onto the streets!
Then on the Sunday we had a beach party and a pool party...
None of the events were hidden away from the public behind eight foot fences and all of it was free or donation based (aka free if you couldn't afford anything).
We were out in the community at community venues and I really don't understand why all Prides aren't like this.
If you want LGBT people to be accepted into society then you don't exclude society from LGBT events!
And if you want Pride to be an event for all LGBT people to come together in unity and celebration, as I do, then you make the events inclusive and do nothing to exclude anyone!
What, exactly, is so hard to grasp?
Sunday, 15 June 2014
Harmless Words
On Facebook I often see a caption that states, "I am a freak and I don't care. Share if you agree".
I will never share this.
As someone who grew up with disabilities, I was often called names and one of those was "Freak".
Homophobia and Transphobia also contributed to my sense of isolation - to the extent that I took the side of the bullies and also considered myself a "Freak".
Thus this caption disturbs me as I can't help but interpret it as others falling into the same trap I did of siding with the bullies of this world.
I guess it is supposed to be empowering - a "We're all different. So why worry about being different?" kind of message - except I don't find the language at all empowering. Why use the word "Freak"? Why label ourselves in such a way?
To me, it would be the same as stating, "I am a tranny and I don't care".
The word "Tranny" is as loaded with hate as the word "Freak", so I would very much care if I or others saw myself as a "Tranny"!
I suppose, though, that there is an argument of trying to claim back these words of hate.
People point to the word "Nigger" and say that word has been claimed back. I disagree.
For, even though the black community now use that word amongst themselves, if I were to call someone "Nigger" I would cause just as much offense as ever. And I don't refuse to use that word because the black community now use it but because I have been educated as to how offensive that word is.
So what claiming back has actually taken place? The black community have not claimed that word back from anyone. It still exists with all it's potency but people now choose not to use it.
And that I believe is the key to all this: We need to be making better choices.
You can't force people not to use words. No matter which word you ban, another will arrive to take it's place.
Instead we need better education and kinder hearts so that the desire to use words as weapons is no longer there.
After all, it is not the weapon that causes the harm but the person who uses it.
I will never share this.
As someone who grew up with disabilities, I was often called names and one of those was "Freak".
Homophobia and Transphobia also contributed to my sense of isolation - to the extent that I took the side of the bullies and also considered myself a "Freak".
Thus this caption disturbs me as I can't help but interpret it as others falling into the same trap I did of siding with the bullies of this world.
I guess it is supposed to be empowering - a "We're all different. So why worry about being different?" kind of message - except I don't find the language at all empowering. Why use the word "Freak"? Why label ourselves in such a way?
To me, it would be the same as stating, "I am a tranny and I don't care".
The word "Tranny" is as loaded with hate as the word "Freak", so I would very much care if I or others saw myself as a "Tranny"!
I suppose, though, that there is an argument of trying to claim back these words of hate.
People point to the word "Nigger" and say that word has been claimed back. I disagree.
For, even though the black community now use that word amongst themselves, if I were to call someone "Nigger" I would cause just as much offense as ever. And I don't refuse to use that word because the black community now use it but because I have been educated as to how offensive that word is.
So what claiming back has actually taken place? The black community have not claimed that word back from anyone. It still exists with all it's potency but people now choose not to use it.
And that I believe is the key to all this: We need to be making better choices.
You can't force people not to use words. No matter which word you ban, another will arrive to take it's place.
Instead we need better education and kinder hearts so that the desire to use words as weapons is no longer there.
After all, it is not the weapon that causes the harm but the person who uses it.
Saturday, 7 June 2014
Why I'll Be Voting Labour At The 2015 General Election
I have been able to vote for the last 23 years and never in those 23 years have I ever voted Labour at a General Election.
Not in 1992 when the Tories were in disarray and another 5 years of their governence seemed a disaster in waiting. Not in 1997 when the disaster had materialised and Tony Blair swept 'New' Labour to a landslide victory. Not in 2001 when Blair returned 'New' Labour for another turbulent 4 years. Not in 2005 when Blair was persona non grata and Gordon Brown was impatiently waiting in the wings. And definitely not in 2010 after Brown had lead the country through the worst disaster in memory!
No, I grew up in a family where Liberal policies were promoted and, thus, my inclination has always been to vote Lib Dem.
But now, having had 4 years in a pact with the Tories where they have proved themselves to be toothless/clueless, the Lib Dems have proven themselves to be a very undesirable prospect. I would not want them in government with Clegg as their leader even if they paid me a million pounds for my vote (regardless of the illegality of that prospect)!
Thus, being the realist I am (or like to think I am), I have two choices come the next election: The Tories or Labour.
Well, similarly to Labour, I have never voted Conservative either and I definitely would not volunteer next year to give them another 5 years in government!
I know Labour put this country in an awful mess but during the last 4 years I have seen things get worse not better!
I have seen the homeless kicked around from pillar to post and illogically blamed for the country's poverty. I have seen all measures to bring cultural prosperity to this country attacked and curtailed. I have seen migrants blamed for people being out of work even whilst the unemployment figures plummet. I have seen the sick and disabled demonised and treated appallingly by people totally unqualified to 'judge' their ailments. I have seen Job Centres turn from helping people into work to actively discouraging people to seek employment and, hand in hand with that, punish the job seekers whenever they don't play the Job Centre's games. I have seen teachers quit teaching kids in despair at the government's constant meddling with standards. I have seen workers have more and more of their rights taken away to the extent that we effectively now have a slave workforce. I have seen the cost of living rise and the gap between the haves and have nots widen until it is now positively gaping. And, just last week, the government gave companies the power to frack without informing the residents of the houses under which they will lay their pipelines!
If this doesn't add up to a total disregard for the voting population as a whole (with the obvious exception of bankers and big business) I don't know what does! And, by God and every other power going, I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER FIVE YEARS OF THIS!!
No, what I would much rather is the brake applied to this runaway train and, as things stand, Labour are the only ones with any realistic opportunity to do so.
As I say, I know Labour put this country in an awful mess and they may very well continue what they started (and the coalition also continued) but, at this moment in time, I can only live in hope.
I can only hope that the general population will be eased out of the many forms of poverty enveloping them. I can only hope that the general population will be freed from the new slavehood they're being shovelled towards. I can only hope that Labour will return to their traditions of siding with the general population against their cruel and uncaring masters. And it is this hope that I choose to invest in Labour at the next General Election.
As I say, I live in hope.
Not in 1992 when the Tories were in disarray and another 5 years of their governence seemed a disaster in waiting. Not in 1997 when the disaster had materialised and Tony Blair swept 'New' Labour to a landslide victory. Not in 2001 when Blair returned 'New' Labour for another turbulent 4 years. Not in 2005 when Blair was persona non grata and Gordon Brown was impatiently waiting in the wings. And definitely not in 2010 after Brown had lead the country through the worst disaster in memory!
No, I grew up in a family where Liberal policies were promoted and, thus, my inclination has always been to vote Lib Dem.
But now, having had 4 years in a pact with the Tories where they have proved themselves to be toothless/clueless, the Lib Dems have proven themselves to be a very undesirable prospect. I would not want them in government with Clegg as their leader even if they paid me a million pounds for my vote (regardless of the illegality of that prospect)!
Thus, being the realist I am (or like to think I am), I have two choices come the next election: The Tories or Labour.
Well, similarly to Labour, I have never voted Conservative either and I definitely would not volunteer next year to give them another 5 years in government!
I know Labour put this country in an awful mess but during the last 4 years I have seen things get worse not better!
I have seen the homeless kicked around from pillar to post and illogically blamed for the country's poverty. I have seen all measures to bring cultural prosperity to this country attacked and curtailed. I have seen migrants blamed for people being out of work even whilst the unemployment figures plummet. I have seen the sick and disabled demonised and treated appallingly by people totally unqualified to 'judge' their ailments. I have seen Job Centres turn from helping people into work to actively discouraging people to seek employment and, hand in hand with that, punish the job seekers whenever they don't play the Job Centre's games. I have seen teachers quit teaching kids in despair at the government's constant meddling with standards. I have seen workers have more and more of their rights taken away to the extent that we effectively now have a slave workforce. I have seen the cost of living rise and the gap between the haves and have nots widen until it is now positively gaping. And, just last week, the government gave companies the power to frack without informing the residents of the houses under which they will lay their pipelines!
If this doesn't add up to a total disregard for the voting population as a whole (with the obvious exception of bankers and big business) I don't know what does! And, by God and every other power going, I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER FIVE YEARS OF THIS!!
No, what I would much rather is the brake applied to this runaway train and, as things stand, Labour are the only ones with any realistic opportunity to do so.
As I say, I know Labour put this country in an awful mess and they may very well continue what they started (and the coalition also continued) but, at this moment in time, I can only live in hope.
I can only hope that the general population will be eased out of the many forms of poverty enveloping them. I can only hope that the general population will be freed from the new slavehood they're being shovelled towards. I can only hope that Labour will return to their traditions of siding with the general population against their cruel and uncaring masters. And it is this hope that I choose to invest in Labour at the next General Election.
As I say, I live in hope.
Sunday, 18 May 2014
What Was Then And How I Got To Now Will Not Be The Future Or How I Get There
What follows is solely my view about myself...
Ever since I was a child, (I can remember as far back as 8 years old and there are memories that go even further back to when I was 4 years old but, naturally, memories from such a young age are not 100% reliable), I felt deep inside my core that I would be happier living as a female.
This was confirmed whenever I dressed as a female and proved 100% accurate when I finally transitioned 29 years later (and there was a lot of self-loathing and confusion in those 29 years!) in 2010.
Now, when I talk about transition, I don't mean that I transitioned from male to female. For I don't believe I was male before I transitioned... but neither do I believe I was female before I transitioned.
Rather I believe I had no definable gender identity before I transitioned and only discovered it afterwards.
Or, to put it another way: I didn't feel that I was male. Instead, I felt deep kinship with females and that I would probably be happier living as a female but at no point did I actually identify as female. Female was just the closest thing to what I felt I was (and this is partly why I also don't believe gender identity is binary).
Now I have transitioned, I have lived comfortably as a female for four years, the inner voice that tormented me ever since I hit puberty has gone quiet, and I have educated myself infinitely more about gender identity. As a result, I now happily identify as female (and this is partly why I also believe gender identity is fluid).
Thus, since my female identity only started 4 years ago, I do not believe I have any significant heritage as a female. After all, compared to cis (non-Trans) women of my age, I am a mere toddler in my development as a female!
So I quite understand why some people would baulk if I claimed heritage I do not have but, at the same time, I also resent any attempt to use my heritage against me for, as far as I'm concerned, that is kind of like asking someone who used to wait on tables to be a waiter even now they've now qualified as a heart surgeon (even if they do still work around tables!).
Furthermore, my heritage as an identified man is deeply regrettable to me and thus I would not seek to use it to any kind of advantage for the simple fact that I don't see it as any kind of advantage! Quite the reverse!
So I would therefore ask that everyone respects that my heritage is history and keeps it that way.
Ever since I was a child, (I can remember as far back as 8 years old and there are memories that go even further back to when I was 4 years old but, naturally, memories from such a young age are not 100% reliable), I felt deep inside my core that I would be happier living as a female.
This was confirmed whenever I dressed as a female and proved 100% accurate when I finally transitioned 29 years later (and there was a lot of self-loathing and confusion in those 29 years!) in 2010.
Now, when I talk about transition, I don't mean that I transitioned from male to female. For I don't believe I was male before I transitioned... but neither do I believe I was female before I transitioned.
Rather I believe I had no definable gender identity before I transitioned and only discovered it afterwards.
Or, to put it another way: I didn't feel that I was male. Instead, I felt deep kinship with females and that I would probably be happier living as a female but at no point did I actually identify as female. Female was just the closest thing to what I felt I was (and this is partly why I also don't believe gender identity is binary).
Now I have transitioned, I have lived comfortably as a female for four years, the inner voice that tormented me ever since I hit puberty has gone quiet, and I have educated myself infinitely more about gender identity. As a result, I now happily identify as female (and this is partly why I also believe gender identity is fluid).
Thus, since my female identity only started 4 years ago, I do not believe I have any significant heritage as a female. After all, compared to cis (non-Trans) women of my age, I am a mere toddler in my development as a female!
So I quite understand why some people would baulk if I claimed heritage I do not have but, at the same time, I also resent any attempt to use my heritage against me for, as far as I'm concerned, that is kind of like asking someone who used to wait on tables to be a waiter even now they've now qualified as a heart surgeon (even if they do still work around tables!).
Furthermore, my heritage as an identified man is deeply regrettable to me and thus I would not seek to use it to any kind of advantage for the simple fact that I don't see it as any kind of advantage! Quite the reverse!
So I would therefore ask that everyone respects that my heritage is history and keeps it that way.
Monday, 12 May 2014
The Human Being
Today you don't tend to get freak shows in the UK. We seem to think of them as in bad taste and like to think we're more enlightened than we used to be; that people shouldn't be labelled as "freaks", ridiculed and stared at.
On Saturday, Conchita Wurst - winner of Eurovision 2014 - proved that we're just kidding ourselves.
Here, as in the olden days, was a "bearded lady" performing for our entertainment. And, true to form, the media - who, lest we forget, only reflect what we, the British public, are really thinking - had a field day before and after the event.
The Daily Mail, for example, posted this article online (note the URL) detailing her "amazing transformation" "from male singer to Eurovision diva".
Another fine bastion of the UK press, The Metro, posted this article informing it's readers "Everything you need to know about Conchita Wurst".
And The Guardian posted this article by Trans Media Watch representative, Paris Lees, stating that Conchita shows us "what gender diversity really looks like".
Of course, someone like Conchita isn't going to perform to universal acclaim - despite her landslide victory at Eurovision - and you can take your pick from these articles at Pink News to see what I mean.
And when you see the media blitz as a whole, it can seem that an awful lot of time and words have been expended on... a beard!
Is a group of hairs on someone's face really that interesting?!! Of course not!
No, what this is really about is about appearances and someone who won't conform to what we consider to be male nor female.
So perhaps, instead of expending so much time and energy trying to make Conchita fit into our way of thinking, perhaps we ought to save all that time and energy and see if we can simply make our way of thinking include someone like Conchita.
In that regard, I point you to Conchita's website and these words...
it's not about appearances; it's about the human being
Saturday, 3 May 2014
Myths About Transgender People
I have just come across this list of myths about Transgender people:
Myth #1: Transgender people live crazy lives.
Myth #2: Transgender people are confused.
Myth #3: Transgender people are mentally disturbed.
Myth #4: Transgender people are gay.
Myth #5: Transgender people are radical liberals with crazy ideas.
Myth #6: Transgender people hate their bodies.
Myth #7: Transgender people perform in drag shows.
Myth #8: You can tell someone is transgender just by looking at them.
Myth #9: Transgender people aren’t “real” men or women.
Myth #10: Transgender people are weird.
Myth #11: Sex and gender are straightforward.
Myth #1: Transgender people live crazy lives.
Myth #2: Transgender people are confused.
Myth #3: Transgender people are mentally disturbed.
Myth #4: Transgender people are gay.
Myth #5: Transgender people are radical liberals with crazy ideas.
Myth #6: Transgender people hate their bodies.
Myth #7: Transgender people perform in drag shows.
Myth #8: You can tell someone is transgender just by looking at them.
Myth #9: Transgender people aren’t “real” men or women.
Myth #10: Transgender people are weird.
I tried to read her explanations behind these myths but, frankly, it's far too wordy for me and doesn't chime with the way I'd describe things.
This is the way I'd describe things...
None of these are myths. They are all true.
Transgender people do live crazy lives, they are confused, they are mentally disturbed, they are gay, they are radical liberals with crazy ideas, they do hate their bodies, they do perform in drag shows, etc, etc...
But not all of them.
And none of it makes them any different to a cis (non-transgender) person. Because they too live crazy lives, they too are confused, they too are mentally disturbed, they too are gay, they too are radical liberals with crazy ideas, they too hate their bodies, they too perform in drag shows, etc, etc...
So when it all comes down to it, the only thing that separates a transgender person from a cis person is that a transgender person doesn't conform to the strict gender binary where boys are boys and girls and girls and never the twain shall meet.
...except cis people don't do that either! I've often seen cis people crossdress!
So, when Transgender is an umbrella term that incorporates Transsexuals, Transvestites, Crossdressers, Gender Queer, Gender Nonconforming, Drag Queen, Drag King and more, just what does make the difference between a cis and a transgender person exactly???
Does it really come down to the genitals we were born with??? Must an event we had no control over dictate how we present ourselves for the rest of our lives? Must we say "To hell with my liberty!" and "To hell with my personal well being!" because of our genitals???
Perhaps it is no surprise that I, a transsexual, feel that the personal cost is too great to go down that road.
Perhaps it is no surprise that I, a transsexual, feel that the only real myth in Anna Magdalena's list is this one:
But I am constantly surprised... shocked! ...angered! ...saddened ...at the lengths people go to enforce that myth.
Friday, 14 February 2014
Happy Valentine's Day!
So, in case you didn't notice, today is Valentine's Day. My first since John died.
I can still kinda remember last year's. I knew it would be the last one I'd celebrate with John. I also suspected it would be the last one I'd ever celebrate! I believed John was my one and only... and I still believe that. I don't think I can be that lucky twice!
So I wanted to make our last Valentine's Day extra special.
I don't think I achieved that. I can no longer remember what card I got him or if I even got him a pressie. I do remember feeling deflated though but whether that was because John was so ill or because I was just disappointed with that day in general I no longer recall.
Then the weekend arrived and John's health nose dived and I was worried I would lose him that very weekend. Then he seemed to pick up again on the Monday only for him to be rushed into hospital at lunchtime and he never came home again.
So maybe I could be forgiven for being grumpy, resentful, forlorn or remorseful on this Valentine's Day. In fact, I half suspect people expect me to be any of those things because I get the distinct impression that people consider it too sensitive a topic to be discussing in front of me... let alone with me!
Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised by this. People always seem to prefer to make judgements about other people rather than ask them, in case they offend.
But, think about it, when was the last time you offended someone by asking their opinion?
In my experience, you're far more likely to offend someone by making judgements and assumptions about them than asking their opinion.
So go ahead and ask me!
But in case you never do...
I think Valentine's Day has become over commercialised and has kinda put the emphasis on spending money rather than completing the simple task of telling the object of your affection you love them.
Of course, widowhood has put a new angle on it for me this year because it bothers me even more than before when people grumble about having to do that simple task of telling someone you love them. I would love to tell John I love him! Even for just one day!
As it happens, John and I told each other we loved each other EVERY day of the 12 years we were together!
John is no longer here to tell you his side of it but, as far as I'm concerned, if you're in a loving relationship with someone why would you not tell them you love them at every opportunity you have? Why would you let those opportunities slip by?
Trust me, there will be plenty to cry over when they're gone without adding to your woes.
I can still kinda remember last year's. I knew it would be the last one I'd celebrate with John. I also suspected it would be the last one I'd ever celebrate! I believed John was my one and only... and I still believe that. I don't think I can be that lucky twice!
So I wanted to make our last Valentine's Day extra special.
I don't think I achieved that. I can no longer remember what card I got him or if I even got him a pressie. I do remember feeling deflated though but whether that was because John was so ill or because I was just disappointed with that day in general I no longer recall.
Then the weekend arrived and John's health nose dived and I was worried I would lose him that very weekend. Then he seemed to pick up again on the Monday only for him to be rushed into hospital at lunchtime and he never came home again.
So maybe I could be forgiven for being grumpy, resentful, forlorn or remorseful on this Valentine's Day. In fact, I half suspect people expect me to be any of those things because I get the distinct impression that people consider it too sensitive a topic to be discussing in front of me... let alone with me!
Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised by this. People always seem to prefer to make judgements about other people rather than ask them, in case they offend.
But, think about it, when was the last time you offended someone by asking their opinion?
In my experience, you're far more likely to offend someone by making judgements and assumptions about them than asking their opinion.
So go ahead and ask me!
But in case you never do...
I think Valentine's Day has become over commercialised and has kinda put the emphasis on spending money rather than completing the simple task of telling the object of your affection you love them.
Of course, widowhood has put a new angle on it for me this year because it bothers me even more than before when people grumble about having to do that simple task of telling someone you love them. I would love to tell John I love him! Even for just one day!
As it happens, John and I told each other we loved each other EVERY day of the 12 years we were together!
John is no longer here to tell you his side of it but, as far as I'm concerned, if you're in a loving relationship with someone why would you not tell them you love them at every opportunity you have? Why would you let those opportunities slip by?
Trust me, there will be plenty to cry over when they're gone without adding to your woes.
Tuesday, 31 December 2013
3102 In Reflection
2013 was the year the question "How do you feel?" became difficult to answer.
To me it seemed the answer was obvious. I could hardly be expected to feel happy that my husband was slowly suffocating to death could I? That I was glad that he was dead? That I like living every day without the man who made every day seem special?
Thus I would much rather have never been asked as I disliked feeling compelled to lie so as not to offend.
However, almost 9 months after he died, I now feel ready to answer the question.
The overwhelming thing I feel about 2013 is that I simply cannot comprehend all that has happened to me this year.
I do know, however, that I'm not the person I was at the beginning of the year because I'm now unemployed, a widow, a homeowner and financially well off.
I think my name's still Claire but I seem to be subjecting myself to analysis again at Charing Cross so who knows what they'll discover about me that I didn't already know myself!
What is strange though is that, even though I wept buckets and screamed at the walls, I feel happier now that my husband's died than I did during the last 6 months or so of his life.
Adding to my confusion is the feeling of being overwhelmingly sad that he died whilst, at the same time, glad that his death brought an end to his suffering.
But, by way of contrast, I've refused to end my own suffering by dying and opted instead to live. Obviously, what was good for my husband isn't good enough for me!
My opinion on the world around me also seems to have changed this year.
These days the warm glow I feel in my heart on seeing others in love seems to be accompanied by feelings of jealousy and bitterness.
And, now the answer has become less obvious, people have stopped asking me how I feel! Just what does that say about them exactly??
I also have to wonder why I still have so many good friends in my life when I've not been anyone even I would want to spend time with! Does that indicate extreme compassion on their part or extreme idiocy?
2013 has brought me few certainties.
I can't even be sure that I've been through the worst year of my life when I've achieved so much and found so many things to live for! Maybe it's actually the best year of my life in disguise? After all, this year I've qualified and gained work as an educator, been to 5 different Prides and hugged Peter Tatchell and, as mentioned, become financially wealthy and an outright homeowner! What's not to like about all that?
So what conclusions can I draw about 2013 when I'm not even sure what my reality is?
I can't be certain but I think the answer is I can't be certain; not about my past, not about my present and particularly not about my future.
So, as 2014 approaches over the horizon, I conclude 2013 with the thought that, if life is intrinsically uncertain, then it is best lived with a mind open to it's infinite possibilities - especially when life seems impossible.
Possibly!
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