Saturday, 17 March 2012


Ever since I got interested in pop music at around 7 or 8 years old, I've wanted to be a pop star.
I would watch Adam Ant, Shakin' Stevens, Boy George and the rest and wanted to be just like them.
I wanted others to feel the same way about me as I felt about my idols. I wanted the fame and the adulation. I wanted to be idolised.
But I don't know why I'm talking in the past tense because I still want it! I still want to feel glorious!
But that is only half the story because, of course, I've never achieved my ambition and, instead, I have to deal with the reality that I'm ordinary. That, no matter what I try my hand at, I haven't the talent to become an idol. That I am, at best, average.
And I'm not happy with being average, ordinary, run of the mill. I want to be special.
That is not to say I do not feel loved. I am aware that my family and husband love me. But I think there is one person who will never love me and that is myself.
I can not shake the feeling that, whilst I have had some success in life, the overall theme is one of failure. And, more to the point, every time I try to be glorious I come up short.
So for a long period of my life I've lacked the ambition to try. After all, why bother to try when I know I won't succeed? So, not only do I feel a failure, I've written myself off as always being a failure.
I wish it wasn't so. I look at everyone else in my life and they seem content with their lot. Or, at least, they don't seem as haunted by their failure as I am.
I wish I could be more like them. Be a bit more realistic and happy with my lot. But, no matter what I do, it seems I can't shake the feeling that I should've done better.
My life seems to be one of ambition denied and I'm not sure how much more of it I can take. What's the point of having a dream if they never come true and, more often than not, turn into nightmares? Just what is the point?