Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Ten Fashionable Tips On Looking Splendid

When one is going out in public as your female self for the first time, it's useful to have a check list of things to look out for so that you look splendid and don't soil the good reputation of trans women everywhere.
So, just for you, this is my Ten Fashionable Tips On Looking Splendid...

  1. You may find walking in heels punishing at first but the higher you go, the easier it becomes. Thus I would recommend starting at 12 inches or more and working your way down. But please do avoid platforms because no one wants to look like Elton John... not even Elton John!
  2. One common mistake learner trans women often make is not putting enough foundation on to cover the beard shadow. Thus, avail yourself of a ruler and ensure you get at least 2 inches on. You may find a trowel handy in the application.
  3. Another common mistake by novice trans women is not making it clear to admirers what sex you truly are and thus you may find yourself late at night having to fight off unwanted sexual advances. To ensure this problem never arises, without making yourself look silly in any way whatsoever, wear a tight fitting skirt in a stretchy material such as latex. That way your true sex will be immediately apparent even in a darkened room in the back of a club.
  4. Just as for real women, fashion has an acceptable age range for trans women too. Thus it is highly advisable, if you don't want to look like the wet blanket you truly are, that the older you are, the younger you dress and vice versa. Thus if you are 65+ nothing less than a romper suit will do and, girls, if you are lucky enough to be under 18, make sure you raid granny's wardrobe before setting out and let that twinset and pearls really work their magic!
  5. You will discover that buying make-up is an expensive business so save money by using everyday objects you'd find around the house instead. For example, instead of buying eye or lip liner use a magic marker! And don't bother spending good money on mascara - apply some boot polish onto a comb and apply liberally!
  6. Many's a time a learner trans woman has hit the dance floor to strut her funky stuff only to find herself quickly falling apart. Thus, to avoid any embarrassing slippage, girls, make sure you fix those false eyelashes, nails and boobs with proper strong adhesive like No More Nails™ or Superglue™
  7. Another thing you may discover when learning the tricks of the trans woman trade is how time consuming it all is. Thus, to save time, you need to prioritise the things that matter. So, for example, no one ever notices the hairs sticking through your stockings so why bother going to all that time and effort shaving your legs? And when you have girls like Halle Berry rocking the short haircut why bother with a wig which makes you all hot and sweaty? Get with the in-crowd and wear your Number 2 with pride!
  8. Instead of buying expensive clothes why not make your own? A quick visit to your local zoo provides an ideal opportunity to make your own leopard or snakeskin dress at a fraction of the cost! But do watch out for fashion trends and avoid giraffe completely! No one needs a polo neck that long!
  9. You may find your "tackle" becomes hot and uncomfortable after being tucked for long periods of time. Thus do as all the other trans women do and pack a handheld fan in your bag to cool everything down once in a while! 
  10. If you truly want to pass as female, it's all very well looking the part but you've also got to sound the part as well. So do not so much as speak as squeak! You may thus find it useful to have a supply of helium on standby (Helium can be found in all good balloon shops and some hospitals).

But, most importantly, girls, whatever you look like, remember to have fun! After all, life's far too short as it is (especially if you're over 65)!
So what have you got to lose? Get out there and have fun! :-)