The Adventure Takes A Left Turn

In my last post I wrote about how fear - and particularly my fear of not having any money - had dictated the path my life had lead.
It's interesting to reflect on that as I sit here now having gone through - what seems to me - a seismic change in the direction I'm travelling.
Last week I was on holiday in Oxfordshire. The weather was lovely, and I was enjoying getting out and about and leaving my worries behind. But one morning I forgot to take my hormones and I didn't realise until I was a long way from the cottage we were staying at. Not to worry - one day wouldn't matter and I'd resume where I left off the next morning.
Then I went to buy ice creams for John and I and the ice cream man called me "Sweet heart".
Now to some trans people being able to "pass" (i.e. accepted to be the gender as that which they're presenting) so completely as I just had would be empowering. It would, after all, have achieved one of their goals. But to me it was alienating and, although I'd regularly had this niggle in the back of my mind, suddenly it became a disturbing roar and I couldn't take it any more. As far as I was concerned, I was creating a deception I didn't actually want to create.
So what to do now? Well, the next morning I thought about taking the hormones as usual but, realised, it was causing changes in me I no longer wanted. I didn't want the body of a female.
Now I'd been here before - as I blogged about at the time - and I'd taken hormones again the very next day. But this time I had the certainty that I no longer wanted to take hormones and the will power to stop. And I've not taken a hormone since.
So now I'm left with a problem that I haven't completely sorted out yet. How do I, someone who is trans, who felt manhood alienating, and wants to be perceived as feminine achieve that without being perceived as a woman?
Well, the answer that appeals at the moment is that - when I feel alienated from both the male and female genders - is to stop allowing my issues with gender to disadvantage me. For, if neither gender really suits, then gender becomes an irrelevance and I can play with gender to my advantage.
Don't get me mistaken - I never want to wear another item of male clothing or present myself as masculine ever again - but what's to stop me from presenting myself as an ultra feminine male?
For this I look to two of my heroes, Quentin Crisp and Boy George. I admire neither for their personality - both are quite loathesome in many ways - but I do admire them for their audacity to present themselves as they are/were - ultra feminine males.
I feel that is where the true expression of my gender identity lies. Some might describe it as "androgyny" but "androgyny" is a term - to my ears - that carries a weight of feebleness about it. I don't believe for one second that I am feeble. I feel empowered because now I feel I have the strength to express myself in exactly the right way... despite the fact that doing so may very well worsen my employability even more than it already was.
Now, to end this political party broadcast, I will relay an answer I thought of in answer to the question, "Are you a man or a woman?" which is, "I am intelligent."
"I am intelligent enough not to answer that question.".

A New Adventure

When I visited London a few weeks ago I had a bit of a revelation. I realised that life is best lived in the moment for then I am free of worry and fear and find life exhilarating.
Furthermore, I have realised that I have allowed money - particularly my fears about not having money - to restrict my enjoyment of life. So, instead of making me happy like I have been told all my life, money has actually made me miserable.
So I have decided that, as far as that which is within my control, I am going to free myself of worry and fear and enjoy life.
I haven't worked out what exactly that means and I'm not Mystic Meg so I can't predict the future either but I know one thing for definite - I am tired of restraining and containing myself.
So now is the time to be foolish, to be adventurous, to go out in a - hopefully, very long - blaze of glory!
And I know it's already working too because, instead of feeling stressed, I feel happy and optimistic.
I can feel it in my bones that I'm about to embark on the best and greatest adventure of my life! :-)

A Sure Sign Of Failure

David Cameron has today initiated a "discussion" on the ease of access to the welfare state. Here are my thoughts on why his arguments are flawed...

1. As of April there were 2650000 people unemployed with only 476000 vacancies for them - a shortfall of over 2 million! Thus it seems to me that Cameron should be attacking that shortfall not people's access to benefit!
2. Welfare is for when times are hard and I think it's generally agreed that times have never been harder in our lifetimes! So why attack access to benefit now??? Surely Cameron has got his timing all wrong and he should be making these kind of proposals when times are good and jobs are plentiful!
3. What kind of idiots does he take us for? This is purely an attempt to woo the right wing and divert our attention away from his failure to sort out our economy (which, in turn, would make the attacks on benefits he's proposing totally unnecessary!).
4. Thus these attacks are a sure sign of Cameron's unsuitability to run our country. The guy's up the river without a paddle and throwing out titbits to try and distract the crocodiles from eating him!

Experience

Over the last few days something has become clear to me - life is about experience.
Fortunately, the last few days have brought a lot of exciting ones - my trip to London, a trip to Manchester via Carlisle, dining with friends (cake included!)... etc.
But life also bring experiences that are less welcome.
For example, by this time next week I could be unemployed again.
Being unemployed is one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life - it brings doubt, anxiety and depression. But it is still an experience and, as such, I should welcome my experiences whether they're enjoyable or not.
For, one thing is guaranteed, each experience enriches my life one way or the other. So the good news is that my life will never be boring! :-)

Good News

As part of my hormone treatment I had a blood test last Monday to see how things were going. My GP phoned me earlier this week to tell me the good news that my estrogen is now in the female range and it is safe to double my daily dose of Progynova to 4mg a day.
She also informed me that she would fax the results to the GIC. So I'll have to see, when I visit the GIC on Weds, if the exchange of information has gone smoother than the last time!
The other good news I had this week is that my temporary contract has been extended by a fortnight.
My boss also told me that he has requested several more permanent staff - of which he hopes I am one - but can't promise me anything because the company is in a state of flux, moving to Manchester, and he's waiting for the directors to get their act together and sort it out!
So he's trying to hang onto me as long as possible in the meantime so who knows how long that might be!
Certainly, the job market seems to have receded again - a symptom of the economy doing likewise no doubt! - and there is very little out there at the moment. So I hope I'm employed for a good while yet - even if it does mean travelling to Manchester every day and having my take home pay cut in half as a result!

My Life As A Hormone Junkie: Week Six

First, apologies for missing out weeks 4 and 5 but there was so little to report it really wasn't worth the bother!
Anyway, after week 6 a number of changes have become apparent:

1. There is more fatty tissue and definition in my breasts.
2. I have become weaker (which I noticed because I struggle more and more with the heavy front door at work)
3. I seem happier within myself (but this might also because I've not been unemployed the last 5 weeks)
4. A number of people have said how well I'm looking (which, again, might be because I'm not currently having to deal with the stress of unemployment) and there is apparently more definition in my face now.

So, all in all, I'm happy with the changes hormones have made but I've yet to experience the hormonal mood swings that goes with taking hormones so that might change.

Arguments Against Gay Marriage

With President Obama putting the subject of "Gay Marriage" firmly in the headlines again, I thought I'd look at some common arguments against it...

If God had intended gay couples to marry he would've created Adam and Steve not Adam and Eve.

I'm sorry, I thought the Christian belief was that we were ALL children of God?? So surely God did create Adam and Steve as well as Eve?? In which case, I'm sure He wouldn't have created any of His children with the intention of denying them the same privileges as the others. If He did, then I think He's an unfit parent and should be dissuaded from further procreation!

Same-sex relationships are "unnatural".

I thought Christian belief declared that mankind was "begat of God" and thus completely separate from nature?? In which case, no human relationship is "natural", so why discriminate against just the same-sex ones??

Same-sex relationships are "unhealthy".

I'm sorry, I fail to see the relevance. I know many a heterosexual couple who are unhealthy - particularly so in the USA - and, yet, they don't seem to have been discouraged from marriage?? Which is a shame considering the children some of them produce!

If we allow "Gay Marriage" then we may as well allow people to marry their pets!

Again, I repeat: Christian belief declares that mankind is "begat of God" and thus not part of the animal kingdom. So surely it follows that a pet - a creature of the animal kingdom that mankind is no part of (even gay ones) - is not equal to a person?? In which case, having the two distinct in law would seem a logical and fair thing to do. Wouldn't it?

Gay people should not be allowed to marry because they suffer a higher incidence of AIDS than heterosexual couples.

I'm not sure of the scientific basis of this argument but anyway... Christian marriage is supposed to be a monogomous affair. Thus whether a couple has AIDS or not is completely irrelevant because, if they're obeying the strict rules of Christian marriage, they won't be having sex with anyone else!

Same-sex marriages have adverse affects on the parties' children.

If this is true, then it applies to the children of all gay couples not just the married ones. However, I think you will agree that a couple who have committed to spending the rest of their lives together makes for a more stable upbringing than those that haven't. So, surely, allowing gay couples to marry would foster a better environment for their children not make it worse??

The children of same-sex marriages are apt to suffer stigma.

Children suffer stigma for all kinds of reasons - what class they come from, what disabilities they suffer from, what race they belong to, what religion they are, etc, etc, etc... and no one suggests we ban marriage for any of these reasons so why single out same-sex marriage?? Besides, the best way to counteract stigma is not to stigmatise people in the first place and that lies very much at our own doorsteps rather than anyone else's.

In conclusion then there seems no good reason to bar "Gay Marriage". So, as far as I'm concerned, the sooner this self-righteous protection of the privileged is done away with the better.

It's The Economy, Stupid! (Not Gay Marriage or The House Of Lords)

An article in The Daily Mail suggests that David Cameron is backing down on proposals to bring in "gay marriage" and modernising The House Of Lords.
The reason why The Mail states the PM is doing this is because Tory MPs want him to concentrate on getting the economy sorted out instead of being "distracted" by unpopular policies.
And they're right... sort of!
Yes, of course the PM should get the economy sorted out but if The Daily Mail thinks the issues of "gay marriage" and The House Of Lords have somehow muddied the waters then...

1. They only have themselves to blame
2. Only the seriously cracked think the issues of "gay marriage" and The House Of Lords comes anywhere near rivalling the issue of the economy!

So The Daily Mail's argument becomes almost instantly redundant because...

1. If The Daily Mail would stop plastering their pages with irrelevant issues and concentrate on those that matter to everybody in this land (instead of just a minority) then the waters would instantly become clearer!
2. It's my understanding that the insane aren't allowed to vote so the opinions of the seriously cracked are of an irrelevance anyway!

And I have to say to those Tory MPs who refuse to back David Cameron on these issues that if you want to win the General Election by an actual majority next time then you need to win over the floating voters.
If you wish to do that then you need to appear friendly and trustworthy - not bigoted arseholes who protect the privileged classes at the expense of everyone else!
So amongst all these savage cuts to public spending why not try a few "touchy feely" policies like legalising "gay marriage" and modernising The House Of Lords?
Such policies may help soften your image from "The Nasty Party" to one that appears a little kinder and those who have found their lives adversely affected by your policies might then be a little more forgiving.
...which might just make a difference when it comes to being re-elected!

My Life As A Hormone Junkie: Week Three

Well, I guess the first thing to report is that there's nothing really to report. There are still no changes that I can pin down 100% to taking hormones.
The other thing to report is that I've decided to stop taking them. I'm not sure I'm ready for developing a female body or even if it's what I really want.
I find myself uncertain about what I do want though. I've spent a lot of this week running through my options and the option I seem happiest with is to stop taking the hormones. But whether that's a temporary or permanent thing only time will tell. I could very well start again tomorrow morning for all I know!
I guess I shall have to notify my GP if I do find this pause turning into something more permanent though...
A Day Later: And I'm back on the hormones!

Finding My Voice

Since Thursday last week I've been working as a temp for a company called Amey.
As a new starter I was required to read their policies and discovered that they had one of the best diversity policies I've had the pleasure to read. This did not particularly surprise me as the people in my office have been really friendly and welcoming.
However, it did not seem to count for much as I struggled to find my "female voice" which prompted much soul searching: If I could do it on the telephone and in interviews (two more stressful circumstances I could not imagine!) why was I struggling so badly in such welcoming circumstances???
It wasn't even like I was trying to hide anything!
As part of my application I'd been required to submit my passport (which is still in my old identity) and, to comply with their drugs and medication policies, disclose that I was on hormones - both of which obviously outed me (not that I believed for one minute that everyone in the office hadn't already sussed it out anyway!).
And so it was that I was ready to throw in the towel yesterday. I'd lost faith in myself and was gonna go take a long walk off a short pier!
...but not until I'd gone to my singing lesson!!
So I walked in and my singing teacher asked how I was getting on and I gave her an honest answer. And so my teacher spent the first half of my lesson counselling me.
Obviously, I employ her as my singing teacher not as a counsellor and so it's to her credit that she put those duties to one side to listen to me and give me some sage advice.
So, where half an hour earlier I'd been ready to walk out on my life, I left my singing lesson ready to give it another go.
And this morning on my drive into work I was thinking of the best way to tell everyone I was trans when I started to wonder why it was so important to tell everyone I was trans??
Was them knowing I'm trans really what I wanted?
No. What I wanted was to stop worrying what people thought about me! And the only person who can make that happen is me!
So I went into work with that thought in my mind and, you know what, it paid off! I found my "female voice" more often than not and I stopped beating myself up when I didn't!
So the end result was that I finished work today far happier than I did yesterday! :-)

...You know, we people of the LGB&T community have kind of had it brainwashed into us that we must out ourselves otherwise we're being dishonest.
Well, today I realised this is too simplistic.
It is completely pointless outing yourself in the hope of avoiding a scene or having people think better of you. The purpose of outing ourselves should be to free ourselves of the worry of those things!

...So, having dwelt on it some more this evening, I hope I can have the same attitude towards my gender as I have towards my feet and legs.
After all, is my gender any less or more of a birth defect than my feet and legs? And, yet, I don't feel the need to tell people I have deformed legs and feet and worry that I am being deceitful if I don't tell them of this fact. I don't particularly care what people think about my legs and feet any more! They are what they are! They may have given me some life experiences others missed out on but they are not the be all and end all of all that I am! I am more than my feet and legs!!
And so, surely, it must be the same of my gender (and any other part of me)?? And thus follow that it would be better for me to get things in perspective and treat it as such??
Yes, I think that it would. :-)