13th March 2016

Mia: Mia's been pretty much her usual self today: Hard to fathom sometimes but always adorable. :)
Life: I had a leisurely start to the day with a bath - a very rare treat - with a Lush bath bomb I was given at Christmas. After lunch I decided to do the weekly food shop. It being a Sunday meant the buses only run every half hour so I didn't want to risk the bus as I had frozen stuff to get. So I drove down... but a glimmer of sun had brought the masses out so I couldn't park anywhere near New Brighton seafront! So I went to Tescos. :( this evening I watched Spectre. It wasn't as boring as the reviews said but, considering the potential of the concept, it was somewhat disappointing.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the fact the daylight hours are getting longer again. It doesn't half make a difference!

12th March 2016

Today, for some reason I've been reflecting on what I can't remember. It's incredible to think that a mere three years ago I was still married to John. I hesitate to use the phrase "happily married" because, of course, he was dying - a few weeks from his death, in fact. So much has happened since then that 3 years feels like a lifetime ago. But it kinda was... a different life at least. But it pains me that I can remember so little of the most precious time of my life. I was sharing my life with my one true love and it is all a fog to me now. That's partly deliberate - the loss was so great that I didn't want to remember what I'd lost. But there are days like today that I desperately want to remember and can't. I think fear plays a part - I'm partly scared of the pain that these memories may bring up.

I've tried to write about my time with John several times but I lose patience because all I remember are the bare bones when I want to remember the details. How it felt to kiss him, to hold his hand, to run my fingers through what little hair he had... My brain says these are happy memories but I don't remember them. 

I have a picture in the spare bedroom that reads 'appreciate the little things in life because one day you'll look back and realise they were the big things'... I'm pretty confident I didn't truly appreciate how fortunate I was to have John in my life. Not that he was perfect - who is?!! - he could be selfish and hurtful. But I have to take my share of the blame as well. In fact, I believe I was far the worse half of our partnership. But, although not perfect, he is my one true love and I should've appreciated that far more whilst he was alive.

Now I am lonely - as much as I love Mia, she's not really a talker! - and happiness goes just as quick as it arrives. Whether rose tinted or not, I feel that happiness stayed a lot longer when John was in my life. 

But I also have to reflect on what I have achieved since John died. I didn't believe life was possible without him but here I am, coming up to 3 years since he died. In some respects, I've been living on borrowed time and I should be thankful for every day and, yet, I seem to regret far more than I appreciate... so back to the subject of appreciation - the lack thereof - again then. Perhaps that is what my subconscious is trying to tell me - appreciate what you have. That I'm alive to make mistakes and feel miserable. So...

One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is being alive. I'm lucky to be here. There were so many times when I almost chose not to be. The balance of the days are turning towards light once more, away from darkness. :)

10th March 2016

Mia: not much to say about Mia today other than I have more scratches in my hand from when she lost her patience with me.
College: as I couldn't work on my current project because the computer file is at college and I am at home, I tidied up the loose ends from my previous two projects. It didn't take as long as I expected, so I was left with not much to do with too much time to do it in!
Life: I had my gas fire serviced this morning. The man told me as he'd had next to nothing to do - it was almost as if he objected to getting paid for doing next to nothing! - I should only have it serviced every other year. That's fine by me as it'll save me money! The rest of the day was spent watching movies on Amazon and Netflix - none of them very good!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is being able to spend the day indoors without getting bored out my mind! It may be a precursor to the rest of my life!

9th March 2016

Mia: for the few hours I've seen Mia today, she's kept herself to herself. Although, I did see her chase something in the lounge. I didn't see what it was but I hope it was small and she ate it! I don't want no dead bodies in my house, thank you very much!
College: so today I was up at 6am to get to Preston for 10am. I wasn't best pleased and neither was I happy that I did so much walking! But uclan was very impressive! So much so, I feel like I'm making a mistake going to Hugh Baird but there's nowhere I can afford to rent privately in Preston and I really don't fancy student digs again! Once in my life was quite enough!
Life: on the subject of all the walking today, it rather alarmed me how unfit I am! Less than a year ago I was doing the Wirral Coastal Walk and now I feel just as tired doing a couple of miles around Preston! I really need to get myself back in shape - perhaps catch the bus the other side of Liscard or something! Also... today is the day George Martin, producer of The Beatles records, died. :( and the second Wachowski sibling came out as Trans! You know, I always have wondered about my brother...
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is sharing a piece of Patricia's birthday cake. It's incredible to think how close we've become in such a short space of time! She's an incredible woman and I was privately (not any more!) regretting all the times I'd said a cross word to her. She deserves better! But I thank her for her patience xxx

8th March 2016

Mia: more cuddles from Mia tonight. I love that pussycat to pieces! :)
College: I'm making no secret of the fact that I think my tutors are taking an absolute fucking liberty telling us we have to travel to Preston station tomorrow for 10am at our own expense! To do what exactly?!! Visit a library we have no interest in, that I will never visit again; when we have better on our own fucking doorstep?!! Oh, and miss college time to boot, doing our projects, that we will have to make up for in our own time! Not to mention the ungodly hour I will have to get up tomorrow to be at Lime Street to get the train to Preston for 10am! It's an absolute crock of shit! ...otherwise, I had a pleasant day at college. Graphics went better than I expected - I never expected my experience doing my colouring books to be of influence on my graphics work! - and I actually enjoyed my life drawing lesson for a change! But, seriously, every time I resolve to give college another chance they push it that bit further! If they're wanting to introduce and retain students for the next three years, then they're going about it all wrong!
Life: Patricia and I went via the chippy for tea on the way to choir this evening. Choir was slightly chaotic again but we seem to make progress. But, honestly, I can't wait for our usual choir mistress, Hayli, to come back! Missing her big time!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is my life drawing lesson. It was fun :)

7th March 2016

Mia: just had a good half hour playing with Mia. She's absolutely adorable when she's rolling about on the floor playing. :) However, it's been a bit of a mixed day for her as I managed to stand on her paw and she also tried to bite my hand. I'm hoping the documentary on itv about cats will help me understand her better and know how to be with her as sometimes she baffles me.
Life: this morning I did the weekly food shop via the chemist to get my decapeptyl. This afternoon I went to the surgery to get my injection but we decided it was too early and so we've rearranged it for next Thursday. I then caught the bus to Liverpool to buy more art materials before yoga. Yoga was fabulous tonight but it also opened the floodgates and I ended the session sat on the floor crying. I've found these last few weeks since I started yoga again that I've been more emotional which I think, on the whole, is a good thing. Pretty powerful stuff this yoga - even if it is just lying on the floor!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is playing with Mia. She is a total delight most of the time - especially when she's playing! :)

6th March 2016

Mia: I didn't get a card or any pressies off Mia today. I feel quite hurt that she could be so ungrateful!
Life: today got off to a lazy start - I didn't even get out of bed until gone 9:30am! And I haven't bothered to get dressed all day! This morning I did the laundry and this afternoon I started on one of my canvases for my promised exhibition in the summer and created another clay creature. I also did my accounts and was pleasantly surprised to see I'd saved money last month! It won't be happening again this month, I know that for certain! This evening I started to watch Support Your Local Sheriff but the battery ran out on my iPad, so I shall resume watching it on my iPhone very shortly.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is finding my bank balance increased last month. I'm very proud of myself! :)

5th March 2016

Mia: I think Mia knows how to get me to play with her now. She's obviously got used to the fact that I play with her if she has a mad moment because she was quietly minding her own business this morning until she saw me and then she went nutso! So I duly obliged and played with her until she went and sat in the window admiring the wildlife. :)
Life: today was pretty full on. By mid-morning I was in Liverpool shopping for clothes and did pretty well cos I got a pair of trousers, a tunic, a vest and a bag for under £40! :) Having done my shopping I stopped off at The Lobster Pot for a chip barm - the chips were very nice but I thought £2.20 was a bit steep for just a chip barm! - before catching the bus home. I had just enough time to change into my party outfit (for Patricia's birthday) and get my make-up on to get to Intrust just in time for the meeting. Unfortunately, despite having had a 4 year booking with the hall, somehow they'd double booked us with a kids party! So we ended up in a side room having to contend with the noise next door! Anyway, it was a pleasant meeting and lovely to catch-up with people. :) From there I headed straight to Patricia's surprise birthday party at a Chinese restaurant and her face was a picture! She clearly was taken by complete surprise! :) The meal was lovely and it was lovely to see her family and how close they were - even the kids! It made me wish my own family wasn't so remote from one another. :(
One Thing: so much to choose from today but I think I'm gonna choose the look on Patricia's face when she found out about her surprise party. I think it will stay with me for my lifetime! :)

4th March 2016

Mia: Mia came dashing into the lounge this evening having another of her mad moments. So I took it as my cue to play with her for half an hour until she got bored. Then after that she came for a cuddle. She is such a darling and brings such joy into my life. :)
College: I got to college about half nine this morning because I wanted to finish off my teabag work. It seemed to be well received in the crit so that was nice. :) Then I spent the rest of the day doing the research for my graphics project. I feel quite confident now that I can have the weekend off until Monday. :) I loved being in college today though, having a natter with people. I wouldn't get that sat at home - Mia doesn't talk! (One of several of her drawbacks)
Life: this evening I have watched a couple of movies on Amazon. The first was The Color Purple and the other was Hocus Pocus. I can't say I liked either.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is socialising at college. You appreciate these things when you live on your own!

3rd March 2016

Mia: Mia had a mad moment this morning when I was making my breakfast; darting up and down the stairs like a lunatic. So I decided to get out 'the red string of doom' and play with her for half an hour until she'd burned off her energy. She's a funny little thing. :)
Life: after breakfast, I hoovered up and then drove out to New Brighton to buy 4 canvases for the exhibition I've been promised. I stopped via the library on the way back to see what art books they had on offer and was very pleasantly surprised. :) I got one out called Just Paint It which covers a range of techniques but what I really liked about it was that each technique had a list of artists to go look up for inspiration. :) This evening I have done another layer of my Goddess 2016 painting and watched Argo on Amazon.
College: this afternoon I did 8 pages of character design for my current graphics project.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is seeing the selection of art books available at my local library. It's given me hope. I also understand that today is Book Day so my timing was excellent! :)