12th March 2016

Today, for some reason I've been reflecting on what I can't remember. It's incredible to think that a mere three years ago I was still married to John. I hesitate to use the phrase "happily married" because, of course, he was dying - a few weeks from his death, in fact. So much has happened since then that 3 years feels like a lifetime ago. But it kinda was... a different life at least. But it pains me that I can remember so little of the most precious time of my life. I was sharing my life with my one true love and it is all a fog to me now. That's partly deliberate - the loss was so great that I didn't want to remember what I'd lost. But there are days like today that I desperately want to remember and can't. I think fear plays a part - I'm partly scared of the pain that these memories may bring up.

I've tried to write about my time with John several times but I lose patience because all I remember are the bare bones when I want to remember the details. How it felt to kiss him, to hold his hand, to run my fingers through what little hair he had... My brain says these are happy memories but I don't remember them. 

I have a picture in the spare bedroom that reads 'appreciate the little things in life because one day you'll look back and realise they were the big things'... I'm pretty confident I didn't truly appreciate how fortunate I was to have John in my life. Not that he was perfect - who is?!! - he could be selfish and hurtful. But I have to take my share of the blame as well. In fact, I believe I was far the worse half of our partnership. But, although not perfect, he is my one true love and I should've appreciated that far more whilst he was alive.

Now I am lonely - as much as I love Mia, she's not really a talker! - and happiness goes just as quick as it arrives. Whether rose tinted or not, I feel that happiness stayed a lot longer when John was in my life. 

But I also have to reflect on what I have achieved since John died. I didn't believe life was possible without him but here I am, coming up to 3 years since he died. In some respects, I've been living on borrowed time and I should be thankful for every day and, yet, I seem to regret far more than I appreciate... so back to the subject of appreciation - the lack thereof - again then. Perhaps that is what my subconscious is trying to tell me - appreciate what you have. That I'm alive to make mistakes and feel miserable. So...

One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is being alive. I'm lucky to be here. There were so many times when I almost chose not to be. The balance of the days are turning towards light once more, away from darkness. :)