30th November 2015

Life: When I blogged the other day that I wasn't depressed anymore, I spoke too soon. I guess that is the nature of depression - it can strike anytime. You can feel like you're past it and then, all of a sudden, you're right back in it again. That is me tonight. Tonight I watched Fantabulosa! - the biopic about Kenneth Williams. He was a privately tragic man and I'm afraid tonight his final words in his diary, "Oh, what's the bloody point!" chimed with me. However, unlike May 2013, tonight I have an answer: I have a whole load of Christmas presents to deliver and a cat who relies on me. That said, tomorrow is December - the month of my birthday - and ever since John died I've dreaded getting older as it makes obvious the fact I'm moving further away (in time) from John. Today I've been particularly haunted by his face on his deathbed. How I would like things to be different!
Love: yes, so, as said, Mia has been my saviour again tonight. How I love her! She's been through enough in her life already without being abandoned again!
College: so it's been decided for me that I'm doing graphics and I was warming to the idea but today I thought that is not what I want to spend my future doing! Graphic design bored me rigid! I want to spend my days doing art! I may not be the world's greatest artist - there may be no career in it for me - but it's what gives me the most satisfaction! That is why I was looking at Contextual Studies - because it gives me the most freedom to be expressive and experimental (unbelievably, a fine art degree pushes you to be mindful of the market... zzzz! Fuck the market! I don't want to be a slave to popular opinion!) But CS is also an academic subject and I'm not an academic! So I think what's the fucking point! What freedom to be expressive and experimental is a degree going to give me?!! Just what is the fucking point! But I'll be at college tomorrow on time and dutiful like a good little girl no doubt. Fucking coward that I am!
One Thing: The one thing that has made today worthwhile is having Mia to keep me going until tomorrow when, hopefully, I'll be in a better place.

29th November 2015

Life: today has been another wild and windy day. After having my shower, breakfast and watching Doctor Who, I intended to start on my college work but I found my eyes wouldn't focus so I had to sit with them closed for a while until they were OK again. It was a scary moment - my ambitions revolve around me being able to see. What would I do if I couldn't?!! I've since put it down to tiredness, though, as Ive sensed it coming on again when Ive been staring at the computer/iPad/iPhone screen a lot. Today I also had delivery of the stuff I ordered yesterday - one of the advantages of being with Amazon Prime is you get next day delivery even on a Sunday! I also worked on two of my canvases. Neither is really going as hoped but that's part of the creative process - you have to surrender control and let the art be what it will be.
College: today I finished off my essay for contextual studies, sorted out as much of my make-up sketchbook as I could, and started on my fashion illustration. This evening I was worrying about finances again but then asked myself what I would do if I wasn't scared of spending all that money and the answer was obvious - I would plough on and do things properly. So, I guess, that is what I really desire to do and I think I owe it to myself to do what I desire.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is being creative - for both college and myself. I live to be creative. Being creative is like breathing for me and I suffocate when I deny my creativity.

28th November 2015

At the moment my life doesn't involve much more than college. In that regard, it's got boring. So I'd rather talk about stuff that does interest me...
Love: I'm not even really looking anymore. I think I'm a hopeless case. Who wants to be with a Trans widow with disabilities anyway? And no ones even remotely called me sexy since John died. And I'm not sure I want or can afford a relationship whilst I'm at college anyway. Just as well I have Mia then. She gives me all the cuddles I need! :)
Life: this weekend Big Love My Brother was launched. Even though it's a wild, wer and windy day I still couldn't help being envious. My life used to be exciting like that once too and now I've given it all up for college in hopes of a degree that I can't really afford. It makes me wonder whether I'm doing the right thing but I also can see that I'm not as depressed or suicidal as I once was. My mind has other things to think about. Of course, my anxiety plagues me - not giving me a moment to relax - but the upside of that is that it drives me on to achieve. So that's another bonus - I now have something to achieve: getting a degree.
One Thing: the one thing I'm most proud of in my life is not killing myself. I've been tempted many times but have always found a way past it. May that continue.

26th November 2015

Love: The evening ended with cuddles with Mia. What do I need a girlfriend for when I have a cat?!!
College/Life: I started the Morning with doing some work on my sketchbooks. Then I went to college to finish off (I hope!) my window box and print some stuff off and email myself some other stuff. Then I came home, did the shopping, had tea and have worked on my sketchbooks again until 9pm. I ended the evening with aforementioned cat cuddles whilst watching Jessica Jones on Netflix.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is taking the day off from taking the day off to do college work. I feel much less daunted by it all now!

25th November 2015

Love: these days there's nothing more lovely than Mia snuggling up with me. Her sweet nature has saved my life in so many ways and on so many days. I love her to death! :)
College: I was dreading today but, as usual, my teacher surprised me and my fears proved unfounded. Contextual Studies also proved fruitful in that I almost got my 300 word essay done. It just needs a few tweaks and then it can be submitted. After college, Patricia and I went to HobbyCraft for art materials and I then went to HomeBargains and PetsAtHome for bitsandbobs. Despite this detour, I still got home earlier than I usually do on a Wednesday! After a quick tea of couscous and falafel, I then cracked on with working on my sketchbooks but called it a night at 10pm with still loads to do! So I'm going into college tomorrow - and skipping poetry class - to do them... Or at least as much as I can!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is the one hour just before bed when I relaxed to watch Fargo and cuddle Mia. I'm glad I'm making the effort - even on a hectic day like today - to have some  'me time'. I'm worth it. :)

24th November 2015

Love: is weird.
Life: I am who I am. I feel what I feel. Any expectations otherwise are unrealistic.
College: so it was back to college today after my 4 day weekend. When our tutor told us we only have 3 weeks left to finish all our projects, I felt like crying or walking. I did neither. I was also told that I was a graphic designer. So sod all the dilemma over the weekend over what to do for my course. I'm doing graphic design.
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Patricia being back in college. I missed her last week. :(

23rd November 2015

Love: this evening Mia was curled up next to me on the couch and she looked as sweet as anything. When I got Mia last year I got her as a companion. I never imagined how much I would adore her and find something like her sleeping on the couch next to me would melt my heart like it does. :)
Life: I took Amore to the station first thing. I've enjoyed her company this weekend. She'd make an ideal lodger if she ever wanted to move to Merseyside! :) This afternoon I started on wrapping my Christmas presents. I figured, with the amount of homework I usually get at college, I should use whatever quiet moments I can to sort out Christmas stuff. Ian came to look at what needs doing to the garden. The conclusion was that he's gonna come again next week and spend a couple of hours tidying it up for the winter. Considering how much time my previous gardener spent on my garden and what she charged, I really get my money's worth with Ian! :) This evening I watched Gravity. I was never bothered to see it at the cinema - despite the rave reviews it got - but I must say it was rather good. I especially loved the soundtrack by Steven Price - I'm gonna listen to that on Spotify after I've finished this. :)
College: today I worked on my Media stuff and got quite a bit done of it. I've really enjoyed how relaxed this weekend has been - it's a shame it can't be like that every weekend!
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is sorting out my Christmas presents. It was a weight off my mind! :)

22nd November 2015

Love: tonight I'm loving the fact that, despite my body issues, I found the confidence to pose for life drawing. It may not ever happen again but I'm glad it happened tonight and I can be an old fogey and think "ar, I remember when I was younger...". :)
Life: today, other than heArt School, I have had a lazy day... well, until I went into town in search of Christmas bags and lining paper! There were just far too many people getting in my way and I was getting more and more wound up about it! I don't think I will be venturing into town at the weekend again this year unless I really really have to! Afterwards, I met up with Hillary and Amore for tea at Bakchich before we all went to heArt School for our life drawing class which was pretty amazing! :)
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is finding the confidence to put my body confidence issues to the back of my mind for a bit and pose for life drawing. The memory of that and the whole class will be with me for a very long time! :)

21st November 2015

Love: yesterday I had to give Mia her monthly flea treatment. She didn't half give me a filthy look afterwards! But we're friends again today and that's the main thing :)
Life: Tonight I'm wanting to press reset on my life. I would love to be able to do it all over again as the person I am now. Because I would love to do Art History (aka Contextual Studies) as my degree but I fear it is a futile dream because it's an academic course with applicants needing good A-Levels whereas I failed all my A-Levels (including Art)! Or, I imagine, at least come from an academic background and I don't have one of them either! Not to mention how much it costs - which would be the same problem for my second choice, Fine Art! Hugh Baird does neither course so, if I wanted to stay there, I would be choosing Graphic Design or Make-Up (3rd and 4th choices) as they're my two favourite lessons of the degrees Hugh Baird offers. Plus there's the fact that ACAS needs all applications in by middle of January so there really is no time to waste! And if I did go elsewhere, I would need an interview and what sort of portfolio would I be able to show them for Fine Art or Art History?!! As I say, it just makes me wish I could press the reset button! :( Anyway... today I popped into town to get some stuff for college. It was lovely to see the Christmas Market in town. Not that I'd buy any of their overpriced tatt but it does make things seem festive! :) I also bought the Christmas cake, pudding and some baklava for Christmas today. I got it for the grand total of £6.54 too! :)
College: after missing yesterday at college because of a cold, I was glad to find that no new major project has been set for the weekend. So it's just been a case of catching up. So I'm now feeling closer to surfacing again - for how long who knows! - and feel I can take this weekend relatively easy. :)
One Thing: The one thing I'm choosing is having a relatively relaxed weekend. :)

19th November 2015

Life: Amore arrived today for the weekend. It's good to have the company - especially when they clean the kitchen for me! :) This afternoon I went to my usual poetry class. I wasn't impressed today - she turned up 15 mins late, didn't get the class going until 30 mins after it should've started, then spent another 15 mins promoting a poetry evening she's doing next week! Today's lesson was also not much cop - she presented some war poems but what we were supposed to learn from them I have no idea! This is after all meant to be a creative writing course in poetry not a poetry appreciation class! If it happens again, I will complain and seek a refund! After class, I went to Cass Arts as I needed a few bits for college and they were having a 20% off day. Then with my newly purchased A1 sketch pad under my arm - and how I wished I had longer arms! - I popped into the library to return my books and order a new one as they didn't have it in. I then had to find where they've moved the bus stop to get home. Once I got home I went straight out again to do the food shopping! Then I came home, had tea, and settled down to watch Paddington on Amazon.
College: as I type I don't envisage going into college tomorrow as I have a stinking cold! I'm thoroughly pissed off about this as the whole reason I got my flu jab was so I wouldn't get ill and miss college! I really don't want to get behind! I stress enough as it is! :( This morning, I worked on my sketch pads to get them up to date... As much use to me as that may be now! :(
One Thing: the one thing I'm choosing today is Amore cleaning my kitchen. It was probably a health hazard before and it was lovely to come home and find it all cleaned for me! :)