Saturday, 13 June 2015

13th June 2015

Love: today I cycled to Meols via New Brighton along the Wirral Circular Trail. I really enjoyed it. The track wasn't too taxing but it was mostly off-road so it was quite a thrill without really being dangerous. I intend to do it again sometime and maybe a different bit of it too.
Life: I hope Clare won't mind me divulging this but back in March we met and I told her about the dark thoughts that plague me - how I'm rubbish and not worth anyone's time. Her response surprised me, because she asked what would be the objective of those thoughts if I listened to them. Well, as I accept more and more that I'm taking 'early retirement' in July, I'm beginning to see that at least some of them were trying to get me to slow down and not push so hard. It's a fact that my very first morning of widowhood, I threw open the bedroom curtains (which had never been opened in all the time I lived there) and went for a walk in the sunshine. Then add to that the fact I moved house 6 months later, I think I can conclude that I didn't want to dwell on what being a widow means. This sounds slightly insane considering what I've been through emotionally these last 2 years but, in fact, I'm not sure I really have taken stock of my life and begun to get my head around my new reality. I've just got on with living but now I find myself exhausted. So now would seem the ideal time to take a breather and take stock - even if that does mean letting the misery and darkness, that I've tried so hard to keep out, back in. Someone keep a light on for me!
Career: It's a Saturday. Plus see the above.