Saturday, 2 April 2016

2nd April 2016

Ever since I was young, I've been terrified of confrontations and have thus tended to not voice my opinions if I can possibly help it. Instead, if I do express them, I do it in writing - as I'm doing now. But there are still times when I'm not as honest as id like to be - and the end result is I hate myself for my cowardice.
Today has been a good example of that: I was at a Trans support group meeting, when a certain someone who I've not liked for many a year, started a conversation which basically boiled down to 'the right way to be Trans' which I hate with a passion! Even my good friends felt obliged to justify why they think the way they do - and I hate that as well!
Is it not enough for us to just exist?!! Why can we not just get on with our lives without feeling the need to justify ourselves and criticise others?!! (This applies to humanity as a whole - not just Trans people, of course)
So I was boiling up inside and wanting to scream but, as mentioned, I don't like confrontations so didn't want to cause a scene. So that triggered my fight or flight response and I got up and left (so much for not causing a scene!). I intended to just stand outside and calm down but my friend followed me, asking what was wrong which just made things worse and so I got in my car and drove away!
When I got home, I was sufficiently calm to feel bad about what I'd done. So I texted my friend to apologise and explain and then I arranged to come back and meet for tea. So that's what I did.
However, as we dined, I felt myself getting tired and emotional and was glad to get home.
April is not a good month for me: On the 5th it'll be 3 years since John died and the 7th would've been his 68th birthday.
The last 2 years I have taken myself away on holiday but this year, because of college, I haven't. I did look last week at disappearing this week to Glasgow - my favourite city in the UK - but baulked at the prices. I'm now thinking this was a mistake.
Yes, it is expensive - as much as my monthly income - but this last week or so I've been feeling highly sensitive around people. More so than in previous years, to be honest. Usually my worst months are Feb (when John was first taken into hospice) and August (our anniversary) but this year I breezed through February - and I've yet to get to August, of course.
Maybe, since I dont want to spend all that money going away, I should just stay indoors or something next week!
Mia: Mia has refused to eat her breakfast today but has still pestered me for food all day long! Contrary madam! But I did enjoy playing with her whilst I was painting - painting with one hand, playing with Mia with the other! :)
Life: other than the above, I finished off one painting and started on another today.
One Thing: I'm gonna choose playing with Mia. She's the best thing in my life - no contest! I'd be lost without her!